as you walk along the road

Sibling Rivalry

2009-06-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Do you ever outgrow your difficulties with your siblings? I have a friend who recently had a squabble with an older sibling and they are both grownups. My dad's sisters often have spats and they are in their 70's and 80's. My kids, in their 20's, recently had a disagreement.

I think there are many reasons for this. Primarily, we tend to fall back into the old patterns of our childhood when we are with our family. The oldest tends to be a bit bossy, the baby tends to seek attention and the middle child just wants everyone to get along. Add the stress of illness, big celebration or a holiday and these old patterns can cause conflict. I speak in generalities but if you examine your family dynamics I think you'll see what I'm talking about.

So, what's a person/parent to do? As a parent I would say...stay out of it!! Especially if your kids are grown, or nearly so, as mine are. They have to learn to deal with each other and my interference isn't going to help. I encourage them to be kind and respectful of one another and I individually encourage them by letting them know that I love them. They are unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses. They must learn to get along with others for that is something they will do all of their lives.

As a person, member of a family just like everyone else's, I have much the same advice. Be kind, respect one another and remember that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is our uniqueness that makes us interesting and fun. And let me get on my most oft used soapbox one more time: your kids are watching!! How you treat your family is going to teach them about how families should treat one another.

Kathy

The third option

2009-06-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

I heard the most amazing thing on the Today Show this morning. There was a marriage and family expert posing the following question: Are children better off living with parents that argue or parents that are divorced. I found this discussion so frustrating because she was leaving out the most obvious third option. Children are better off living with two parents that get along!!

Now, I want to say that sometimes one doesn't have an option on this. If one parent wants to walk away that isn't something the other parent can do anything about. That is a doomed relationship....no matter what you want or do. I'm not really addressing this kind of sad situation. I'm talking about two people who simply cannot get along.

I want to say that honoring your family, your relationships, your vows, and your self (for goodness sake) is what is called for. If you can't get along or you find yourself perpetually unhappy or dissatisfied then figure it out....fix it! Get counselling, talk to a friend (a positive friend in a good relationship), talk to your spouse, read a marriage enrichment book but do something to make it better. Walking away is not the answer. Continuing to fight each other is not the answer. Laying down and playing dead is not the answer. Waiting for your kids to grow up so you can leave is REALLY not the answer. Be a warrior for your marriage! Fight for it!!! You wanted it once and you can want it again!

Can you tell that expert on the Today Show got my dander up??? Sheesh!

Kathy

Back to the Future

2009-06-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

In the movie "Back to the Future" Michael J. Fox travels back in time to the beginning of his parent's relationship. The movie begins with his parents having a not so great relationship. Fox's character effects some changes in their past which makes for a much improved relationship by movie's end. The point here is what we do in the present affects our future.

I bring this up because it occurred to me this morning that Jeff and I are in an incredibly sweet spot in our lives. I've posted about this before but let me say it again! We are almost to the point where we have each other, and only each other, back. Our youngest child is off to college this August. All four of our kids will be in college in the Fall and we'll have only each other. Think about it.....just him and me banging around in that big old house....just the two of us. No one else to buffer or consider as we live our daily lives.

If thinking about you and your spouse in this situation fills you with dread then you have some work to do. Never doubt that this day will come for you too. One day your children will grow up and leave home. Raising healthy, independent children should be one of the goals of parenting. They will leave and you will look at your spouse and say one of two things: "Yippee" or "Who the heck are you?" I over simplify the situation but you get my point.

Our relationship is almost like a third entity in our marriage. There is me, there is him and there is "us". We have been working on the "us" part for a while now. When our kids get irritated that we go out to eat alone we tell them "we're working on us". When we take a short vacation together without them we tell them "we're making us stronger". We've been "mom" and "dad" for so long and we are expending some energy finding our way back to "Kathy" and "Jeff". We'll always be mom and dad but we are very much looking forward to being Kathy and Jeff again.

So think about your future because it is coming sure as the sun rises and sets each day. Be proactive about your relationship. Reorder your priorities if necessary. Remember vows you made and how you felt when you made them. Look to your future and do today what needs to be done to ensure a happy outcome for happiness often does not occur by accident. More often it happens because we have worked really hard to ensure it!

Kathy

How are we born?

2009-06-13T14:34:00.001-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I am tip-top of my head deep in VBS and have absolutely no time to post. However, I saw a bumper sticker today that almost made me pull my car over. I was struck by the utter truth of this little piece of paper stuck to the bumper ahead of me in traffic. It said, "NO ONE'S BORN A BIGOT". I was, and continue to be, blown away by this rather simple statement.

It was Sigmund Freud who touted the concept of 'tabula rosa'. He said that we are 'blank slates' upon birth and it is largely one's family and upbringing that make us who we are. I don't know if I believe that wholy but I do believe that prejudice, bigotry and hatred are taught. Children are born to love and be loved. It is the adults in their lives that teach them otherwise. Teaching with words and actions our children learn to love and hate.

Dr. David Elkins is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and is responsible for one of my favorite quotes:

“Certainly the most important thing parents can do for their children’s spiritual development is embody and practice spiritual values in their own lives…If parents place spiritual values above material ones; if they are kind to each other, love their children, value their friends, and treat others with fairness; if they seek to rid their own hearts of racism, sexism, and other forms of intolerance; if they speak up for the dispossessed and engage in compassionate actions in their world; if they love God and treat their neighbor with respect – their children will observe and absorb these values.”

No one's born a bigot......indeed! What are your children learning?

Kathy

"Up" Review

2009-05-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to know where to begin in describing this delicious movie. First, let me say take a tissue! I cried throughout the movie and tears really flowed on three separate occasions. These were tears of sadness only once and, parents be warned, there is a very sad scene early on in the movie. The other tears came because my heart was touched.

This movie is about adventure, loss, friendship, love in many forms, and very distractible dogs. It will make you laugh, think and cry. All four of my children reported tears (and three of them are boys in their 20's!). It isn't really appropriate for very young children. There are intense scenes of danger and some violence - the bad guy shoots at the good guys with a shotgun - but all in all it is a fine movie with many valuable lessons for those old enough to understand.

At its heart "Up" is about knowing that the journey is the thing and not the destination. The friends and loved ones we gain and lose along the way are what make the journey enjoyable. I loved the movie but you'll need to pardon me now because I need to go blot my eyes and wipe my nose.

Kathy

Help! My kid is mad at me!

2009-05-28T16:01:00.001-07:00

What is the job of a parent? If there were a job description, which there isn't, it would be too complex to follow. Parents must be many things but nowhere does it say that I should be my kids friend. It also doesn't say that I should strive to make them happy all the time and especially happy with me. In fact, sometimes it is precisely the job of a parent to say and do things that may make our children upset with us.

I have a friend whose daughter wants a Facebook page and he is opposed. You may be asking yourself what is wrong with that because your child has a Facebook page (doesn't everyone?) but he is opposed because his child is not yet the approved age by Facebook. Facebook says that you can't have a page until you are 13 and this dad believes that following the rules is important. He's trying to set the right example and teach his daughter that rules need to be followed. She, as you might expect, is throwing all of the typical pre-teen/teen cliches at him. "All of my friends have one"...."no one follows those stupid rules"....."you're ruining my social life"...etc. If you are a parent I'm sure you can imagine what life must be like for my friend.

So, what's a dad to do? I've encouraged him to stand firm. If following the rules is one of your values (and it should be) then stick with it. Children really do want boundaries. They want parents to care enough to make rules. They may bitterly complain but they still want to know that you fight for their best welfare.

Some of my favorite parenting advice goes like this: "BE THE PARENT!" That is precisely what he's doing.

Kathy

Jon and Kate

2009-05-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

This Jon and Kate thing is really bothering me. If you've been stuck on a desert island for the last few months you may not know what I'm talking about but I'll bet most of you do. Jon and Kate of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame are having serious marital problems. There are lots of reasons for this and many opinions on what to do about it. Just google "Jon and Kate" and you can read most of what's out there. Lots of vitriol, buckets of sarcasm, and a ton of opinion. I'm sure most of what is reported as "fact" is really not true but I know what I heard from their lips and that is why I'm bothered.

Last night on their season opener they discussed their maritial difficulties...sort of. They didn't say much but what they did say really bugged! Kate said that she got up in the morning for her kids, breathed for her kids, stayed for her kids and did everything for her kids. Jon said much the same thing just not as dramatically. I think his words were "I'm here". They both reiterated that they would do anything for their children who are their priority.

On the surface these are fine words and sentiments but underneath the surface these words are representative of what their problem really is. They haven't put their own relationship first. Some other thing or things has preceded their relationship on their "Truly Important Things" list.

Now I'm not going to say what I think they should do because I'm not them and I don't live their life. However, I am going to say they should figure out how to put each other and the relationship they've formed back at the top of that list. That is what will be best for those children that are their priority. Children are important, special, prized, etc etc etc but they will grow up one day and leave you. If you play your cards right, your spouse never will. If you play your cards really well you won't want them to.

Kathy

Mother's Day Debacle?

2009-05-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is a holiday with high expectations. It is the one day a year when a mom can be honored just because she is a mom. Breakfast in bed, wonderful gifts and words of love all factor into my personal Mother's Day fantasies. Mostly in that order.

Reality, however, is another matter all together. Reality is we stayed up very late the night before (don't ask) and woke up exhausted. Leah sang on praise team so she had to get to church early. She put blueberry muffins in the oven before she went to church so her dad delivered one as I was throwing on my clothes.

Taylor's idea of the perfect Mother's Day gift is a bear hug (not that I disagree). Adam couldn't come because he has finals the week after Mother's Day and he needed to study but he did call. Ryan told me in advance that although he was through with finals he had much to do and wasn't into "that whole Mother's Day thing anyway". He was kidding.....I think. As a final blow to the day, I had planned and prepared a lunch for my mom and dad but they got sick and stayed home. I confess that I shed a few tears over the way the day was progressing and it was only noon!

The rest of the day began to look up as my brother and his family came for lunch. We had a wonderful time of eating, laughing and reminiscing. We went to Tomball to visit my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home. Taking the time to feed her and sit with her reminded me of how blessed I have been to have her as a second mother. Upon returning home we discovered that Ryan was there to surprise me! Another big hug for a Mother's Day present and the day was nearly complete. We wrapped up the day with a movie. "Star Trek" was awesome!

So, what did I learn? Several things: 1. a day is a very long piece of time and it can be ruined and made anew several times throughout its course 2. children will do what children will do and it is best to love them just as God gave them to us and 3. Mother's Day isn't as important as actually being a mother and I'm an outrageously blessed mother.

Kathy

Children who are friends

2009-05-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

There is a big dilemma at out house. Actually, not at our house proper but this dilemma is taking place in four different homes. Let me explain.

Our three sons, who all attend college away from home, would like to take a trip together. Ryan, a certifiable Disney freak, wants to go to DisneyWorld (natch!). Adam, wants to visit his Aunt Shari and Uncle Scott in LA and go to DisneyLand (he's not opposed to Disney, you see). Taylor just wants to go somewhere since he got an airline ticket for Christmas and it's burning a hole in his pocket. Timing is the issue.

Adam is only home for about three weeks. He will attend summer school to stay on schedule to graduate in December (yeah!) and will spend the bulk of his summer in Austin. He doesn't want to spend a third of the time he has at home in Florida. He'll be less busy in August and he wants to make the trip at that time. Ryan isn't much interested in heat and long lines (who is?) so he wants to go now. Taylor, as earlier stated, just wants to go.

I'm not sure what they'll decide....probably some sort of compromise that makes everyone a little happy but also a little ticked off. That is the nature of compromise and sibling relations. That actually isn't what has me so tickled.

I'm thrilled to see my boys want to do something together. They want to do it so much that they'll call, email, text and communicate until they find a plan that works for everyone. Adam and Ryan are both concerned about hurting or guilting the other. They are each deeply concerned for the other. Taylor will be happy when they just decide what to do.

When your kids are little and they're fighting and fussing, remember this: the patterns you set when they are little continue on as they grow up. Encouraging your children to think of the other person and his perspective will help them grow to be empathetic adults. Discouraging ugly behavior, name calling and physical fighting will help your children find other ways to deal with conflict. It is a small price to pay for the priceless reward of seeing your grown children plan a vacation together!

Kathy

Camping Out

2009-04-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

We camped a lot when our kids were little. They loved it....me? Not so much. Camping is not a lot of fun for the mom. You have to plan meals (meals that can be cooked outside or over a camp stove), you have to have all the stuff from your kitchen that you'll need to cook those meals, and you have to do that without the comforts of your microwave. Then there is clean up....no dishwasher and, in fact, no hot water unless you heat it up yourself on the stove top or campfire. We won't even talk about sleeping on the ground, bugs everywhere, and bathroom facilities you share with everyone else at the campground. The last time we went camping we saw a very large snake crawling UP a tree! Who knew snakes could climb trees? Not me but I assure you I spent the whole rest of the weekend looking up in the trees waiting for snakes to drop out on my head. I was shaken to the core because my "snake escape plan" had always been to climb the nearest tree!!

I don't make it sound very fun, do I? But just a few weekend ago we went camping with some families from church and I remembered the good things about camping. S'mores so drippy and chocolatey you have to have s'more. Jiffy Pop - remember that? The popcorn that you cook over a fire and the tin foil lid mounds up with smells and sounds of pure goodness. Sitting around a campfire talking and laughing. Moving around that campfire trying to run from the smoke. The peaceful sounds of crickets and frogs in the night. Stars in the sky. And kids playing with each other; laughing and covered in dirt. Those are good times, no doubt, and while it is indeed a lot of work for the mom, I think it's worth it.

Our next Family Campout will be the first weekend in October at Brazos Bend State Park. Mark your calendars, plan you meals, pack your cars, and join us!

Smoking

2009-03-27T09:58:00.001-07:00

I know I just posted but this has to be said!

Last night my husband and I dined 'al fresco' (that means outside, in case you didn't know). We were surrounded by young people smoking cigarettes. They were all over 21 because they were also drinking but it was the cigarettes that bothered me.

I don't judge older people who smoke. After all, no one knew it was harmful or addictive for many years. During WWII the military gave cigarettes out in MREs, for goodness sake. People who started smoking years ago have my sympathy for I believe it is a powerful addiction.

People who start smoking now have my disgust, to be honest. Everyone knows that smoking is addictive and deadly. It ages you horribly, makes you breath stink and teeth yellow, and it's expensive. Young people who smoke really hack me off. Do they not realize that they are contributing to the pollution of our land with their butts and smoke? Do they not realize the future health problems they will burden society with? Have they not heard of the dangers of second and third hand smoke? I think these young people realize very well and they don't care.

What they care about is looking "cool". They blew smoke up in the air with a practiced nonchalance that made me want to walk over to their table, grab the cigarette out of their hand and smack 'em upside the head. What I really wanted to say is, "What are you thinking? Do you not realize what you are doing to your body and your health? Do you have the sense God gave you to give up this terrible habit that has absolutely no redeeming value? Are you just stupid?"

Fortunately, Jeff stopped me.
Kathy

How to Raise a Boy

2009-03-23T15:27:00.001-07:00

We discussed this subject in our Life Group last night and I thought perhaps I might share a few of our musings. Our group consists of several families that have kindergarten age boys. In fact, one family has twin kindergarten age boys (whew!). These are busy people who are interested in raising healthy boys to become emotionally healthy men.

It is a fact that we raise boys and girls differently. Science has proven this in studies of infants and children. We are more apt to buy dolls for our girls and balls for our boys. When our daughters cry we comfort them. When our boys cry we dust them off and send them on their way. We often find that boys are raised with a limited range of acceptable emotions breeding men who do likewise.

As I write this I realize that this discussion is way too broad for a blog post so I'm just going to say this: Allow, no...encourage your sons to experience all of the emotions that being human brings. Love, attention and an atmosphere of acceptance for all that they feel will bear fruit during their teenage years. If they know you will listen, really and truly listen, they will talk.
And never doubt that they have much to say!
Kathy

Be Afraid....be very afraid

2009-03-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes and imagine your child on his or her 16th birthday. What do you think they will be doing on that day? I can tell what all four of my children were doing and I still remember it with fear. Each of them were standing in the DMV waiting to get their driver's license. Isn't that a sobering thought? Your child will, one day, get behind the wheel of a car...your car....and drive it down the road to places you won't be. Awkward sentence, I realize, but you get my drift.

Now, it is true that they get their learners permit on their 15th birthday and you have all year to drive with them so that you can teach and help them but that still doesn't really prepare you to see your treasure drive away in your car. Seriously, it's a moment you won't forget. So think of it, your child who can't remember his homework or think to clean her room or realize the dog needs to be fed will drive one day. Life, limb, and your car on the line.

What's a parent to do? Realize, right now, that your child needs to be taught a sense of responsibility and to think of others. They need to be made responsible for their own messes and be encouraged to respect authority. You need to set a good model in this respect as you live and drive. They are watching you!

Once again, begin with the end in mind. You want a respectful, responsible, disciplined driver? You need to work on those attributes when they are toddlers. Talk about them, model them, encourage and reinforce them. That's how you get responsible drivers....and lower insurance rates.
Kathy

Not Sure What I Did....

2009-03-03T13:07:00.001-08:00

I think I edited one too many times and my blog rebelled. Lesson? Blogs, as with children, need consistency and a sure hand. Wowser!

The Sweet Spot

2009-03-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

Think about your primary relationship. All of our relationships are important, certainly, but some take precedence. So, which of your relationships is the most important?

I was in Abilene at Homecoming one weekend in October. Jeff was unable to join us as he was travelling overseas on business. He had been gone the entire week before we left and was due to return on Saturday. We were driving home from Abilene on Sunday. Saturday afternoon it occurred to me that he was going to be home and I was going to be 7 hours away. Suddenly, I was desperate to be home. I turned to my children (who attend school in Abilene) and said, "Would it be terrible of me to go home this afternoon? I really miss your dad". Taylor looked affronted and replied, "Do you love him more than you love us?"

Well, my mouth said, "of course, I love you all" but my mind was thinking, "YES, you left me, as you should, and he never will". It started me thinking about the primary relationships in my life. My children, my parents and extended family, my friends are all very important to me but my spouse is my primary relationship. He is the one who fills my life with joy and laughter and peace. He is the other half of my heart and my home. He is the person who loves and forgives me the most. I shudder to think what my life would have been like without him and I thank God, every day, that he is mine.

When our second son left for college it occurred to us that we gave birth to four children in five years and we will lose them all in five years. In August of 2004 we had four children at home and in September of 2009 we will have none. In light of that, I cannot tell you how happy I am that my primary relationship is thriving. While our children will grow up and move on, as they should do, we will continue to love and grow together. This is what we call "the sweet spot" :)
Kathy

Ryan

2009-02-24T13:35:00.000-08:00

Abilene, happy birthdays, Sing Song and Peter Pan...those were some of my experiences this last weekend. We were in Abilene for Sing Song. Ryan's club, Gamma Sigma Phi, were Peter Pans and won first place for their efforts. They were wonderful! So much of this weekend turned my thoughts to thankfulness for God's blessings.

Sunday was Ryan's 21st birthday. It was so much fun to be with him and spend the weekend watching him be the man he is becoming. This is a person who never meets a stranger. Open and outgoing, Ryan is a friend to many. It's difficult to walk about anywhere in Abilene that Ryan doesn't see someone he knows well enough to hug. He is a loving and gregarious and passionate young man. A joy to spend time with and fun in conversation, Ryan is a person a parent would be proud of and we are!! He is that rare person who is serious about the serious things in life (i.e. his grades and his relationships) but balanced enough to know how to have fun.

We almost lost Ryan at his birth. There was some birthing trauma and his heartbeat was ominously silent for what seemed an eternity. I have never been more frightened. On top of that, we had experienced two miscarriages before becoming pregnant with Ryan. We fought hard for this child and we were not prepared to lose him. We have always considered his healthy delivery and childhood a blessing from God for which we have been very grateful. It seems natural to also thank God for the extraordinary man he is becoming.

We love you Ryan and we thank God for the blessing you are to our lives.
Mom and Dad

February 15th

2009-02-15T10:18:00.001-08:00

Today is my son's birthday. Unbelievably, he is 23 today. I remember the day he was born. I woke up early having labor pains. We went for a walk because we had been told that true labor worsened when you walked. After about half of a block we turned around and headed for home. I showered, picked up my bag, and headed to the hospital. On the way there I remember thinking, "we've waited too late...I'm going to have this baby in the car!!".

After arriving at the hospital and checking in it was just a matter of waiting through the labor. He was born about 3:30 that afternoon. We didn't know if we were having a boy or girl so I remember vividly the nurse saying, "it's a boy!" He was perfection and we couldn't have been happier.

Today, he is a college student at University of Texas. His major is Middle Eastern Studies. He has taught himself to play several musical instruments and speak several languages. He is idealistic and hopes to impact our world for peace. He is a person to be reckoned with and we are immensely proud of him. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how we could be so fortunate. Every time I look at him I am filled with wonder at the blessing he is in our lives. I thank God for the true blessing of being his parent.

Happy Birthday, Adam!!
Mom

Parenting Advice from Miriam Holder

2009-02-10T06:26:00.000-08:00

Miriam's son, Eric, is quite the accomplished man. A Columbia Law School graduate and former judge he was known as Judge Hold 'Em by defense attorneys for his refusal to allow bail for clients accused of violent crimes. His appointment in the D.C. Superior Court put him on the front line of the battle against drug and gang violence in our nation's capital. His reputation was one of more leniency for criminals who accepted responsibility for their crimes. Defendants who were found guilty often found the maximum penalty. Eric Holder, Jr. is our new Attorney General. His brother, Billy, is no slacker either. Billy Holder is a New York City Port Authority Officer.

How does a mother raise two boys like these? A Time magazine article about Eric Holder gives a few clues in quotes from his mother. He grew up in Queens, NY where pulling the fire alarm was a common teen prank. Nearly everyone did it but not Eric, the churchgoing Boy Scout who knew the consequence of disobeying rules: "A good, quick smack on the bottom," his mother Miriam recall. "If you did something wrong, you're going to pay the price." Later in the article Miriam Holder is quoted as saying, "We taught them to help where you can and right the wrongs that you see." Sound advice.
Kathy

What's a Mother To Do?

2009-02-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

What's a mother to do? Your daughter is 12 going on 13 and all of a sudden she knows everything, you know nothing and you are the uncoolest person on the planet. It's a common scenario, I think.

I have to say that I've been very fortunate in this regard. My daughter and I haven't had much mother-daughter conflict. According to "The Five Love Languages" if your daughter's love language is "quality time", you probably won't have many of these issues. Leah's favorite thing in the world is a "Mommy and Me Day" so she never shut me out. Knowing your child's love language may help you be truly heard.

Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages" describes different ways in which people perceive love. Some experts say communication is key to parenting. If so, communicating your love for your kids is the most important key of all. Besides quality time, Dr. Chapman identifies gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Most of these categories are self explanatory but if you want more info you can Google "The Five Love Languages for Teens". I have found these concepts helpful in raising four very different children.

Other minor notions: take advice from the Galaxy Quest crew "never give up, never surrender". Don't take what they say personally. Know, without doubt, they want you to love them so keep saying it.
Kathy

Wisdom from Marian Wright Edelman

2009-02-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

Marian Wright Edelman is one of my heroes. I had the privilege of hearing her speak several months ago. Her passion for children and justice was a wonder to behold. Ms. Edelman was the first African American lawyer admitted to the bar in Mississippi and is a long time civil rights activist. In 1973 she founded the Children's Defense Fund, an organization that serves as an advocate and voice for poor, minority and handicapped children. Her life is a testimony to service and I admire her enormously.

She has said many things that I find to be truth but today this one really sticks with me:

"If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won't either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out."

I've said many times that it takes courage to be a parent. It would seem as though Marian Wright Edelman agrees.
Kathy

Family Traditions

2009-02-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

Traditions are very important to children. Have you experienced the following? You do something once and it becomes that thing we "always do". One year we made and decorated cut out cookies before Christmas. The next year the kids bugged me to death to make those "cookies we always make". One way we know traditions are important is kids are so invested in seeing them continue.

When I was growing up my mom made a very big deal out of holidays. She still does. Her house is decorated in pumpkins and scarecrows for Halloween, red hearts for Valentine's Day, pastel eggs for Easter and flags for the Fourth of July. Everyone decorates for Christmas but my mom puts up shamrocks and served us green oatmeal on St. Patrick's Day. She believes in celebrating!

One Valentine's Day, when I was a snarky teenager, we had wrapped presents on our breakfast plates along with decorative napkins. I asked the following question as only a teenager can ask, "If the Easter Bunny brings Easter baskets, who brings the Valentine's presents?" My dad, at the top of his game, quickly replied, "The Valentine's Cow, of course". The Valentine Cow visited us for many years after that and continued to visit us when I had children of my own.

One day this week the Valentine's Cow will buy candy and cards. She'll make cookies and pack everything in boxes to send to our college boys. My daughter's gift has already been purchased. Celebrations and traditions are important. You have them, too. Think about what they are, talk about them and celebrate the things that make your family unique. A Valentine's Cow is pretty unique and while I'm not sure I appreciate the bovine reference, I am happy to continue the tradition.
Kathy

What does it mean to be a "Cameron"?

2009-01-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

After reading the last post someone asked me "What does it mean to be a Cameron'?" That seems pretty self-explanatory to me but I could explain some.

When I was growing up I remember my mom saying, "Don't embarrass me!" (explanation point inferred by the tone of her voice or the situation we were in) I knew that meant that what ever I did, I was not to have my mom feel shame regarding me or my actions. That meant something to me. My mom is a small woman who is southern to the core. Manners (good ones) and decorum are important. We were raised to be polite and respectful children. It seems to me that we (my siblings and I) continue to be polite and respectful in most situations. My parents have 14 grandchildren, ages 23 - 3, and they are much the same. My parents values rubbed off on me and I infected my children with them.

So, this is what it means to be a Cameron. You are frequently reminded of whose child you are....and in case you don't know, you are God's child. You know that your actions reflect upon the rest of us. In so far as your able, you do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. You are polite to those who serve you and you bus your table in a fast food place. Your dad tells corny jokes and makes up silly words to songs, your mom doesn't cook much and your siblings will be quarrelsome on occasion but there is love and respect aplenty. Your differences are valued as are your opinions. There's more but you get the drift.

Your family has these kinds of attitudes/values/dogma....call it what you like. If you really want to impress them upon your kids hearts then identify them and talk about them. Often. If you ask one of my kids "What does it mean to be a Cameron?" I'd bet they'd say a lot of that stuff above. Try it and see. I'd be interested to hear what they have to say.
Kathy

Is "Teenager" a Bad Word?

2009-01-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

One day I was driving down the street with my four small children in the car and one of them asked me a rather surprising question. He said, "Mommy, is teenager a bad word?" I guess I'd been driving around snarling "teenager" at every bad driver I came upon. The way I pronounced the word made it sound bad. That was before I had teenagers.

At this juncture I have to say that I have not had bad teenagers. At 23, 21, 19, and 17 I admit that I'm not completely out of the woods, but I'm close. I can see the edge of the treeline, certainly, and I can say that they are really good kids. So, how did this happen? Here is what I think.

We started when they were very young. When the baby was born, the oldest was only 5, so we were outnumbered and overwhelmed. Survival required clear rules and consistent boundaries. We paid close attention to what we said and what they did and we required obedience. As they got older, we loosened our grips a bit. They knew what we expected and they pretty much delivered, needing fewer reminders of the rules and boundaries. Because we had been clear and consistent when they were young, they were able to manage the boundaries themselves as they got older. They knew what it meant to be a Cameron and they didn't disappoint.

As they grew we began to see them as individual people with worth all their own. They aren't mini-me's or meant to robotically obey our every command. We value them for who they are and what they bring to the table that is our family. Today they live (three of them away at college) and move within the broader values that we established when they were very young. Although they are becoming independent, they are still an integral part of our family even today; apart but still a part if you know what I mean.

Sometimes it feels as though we've arrived at this wonderful place with our children in a serendipitous way. We're not sure how we got here or how they turned out so wonderful. On the other hand, there must be something to what we did and that is what I want to share. Our goal was to raise children who would become Godly, independent and joyful. As best as I can figure it we began with the end in mind.

Kathy

Parenting is not for weaklings

2009-01-27T15:18:00.001-08:00

"Be the parent" is the best parenting advice I can give. So many people don't want to do what it takes to "be the parent". What does that mean? Well, in practice, it means that you are clear and precise about what they should do and you are willing to do what it takes to get them to do it. That is a very long sentence so let me give you a scenario.

I'm walking down the street and there is a woman walking behind me. Her child runs ahead so that I am between the mother and the child as we walk. The child is approaching a street and the mom, in a very soft and uncertain voice says, "stop and wait for me". The child, of course, keeps running. The mom begins to move a bit quicker and says a bit louder, "I said stop and wait for me." I move to the side so she has room to get to the child but that's not necessary because she isn't making an effort to get there. She just continues to beg the child to stop running. She even adds the word "please". Becoming more and more ineffective as she begs the child to stop. He finally stops at the curb; not because he is listening but because he has been trained not to run out in the street and for this I am thankful. It would have been bad to see that precious child smeared on the street while his mother pleaded with him to stop. So, what would I like to see happen?

Kid runs down the sidewalk. Mom assertively and with forcefulness says, "STOP RIGHT NOW". When kid doesn't stop, mom runs ahead and grabs him getting down on his level and in his face saying, "you must always listen for my voice and obey me." Big hugs all the way around and hand holding as they cross the street.

Step up and be the parent!

Grateful Children

2009-01-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

I don't believe it is news to anyone that we live a blessed existence. Even with the economic "crisis" we live in the most economically advantaged country in the world. We throw away more food in one day than many people eat in a week. There is an upside and a downside in this for our children.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that a primary need for humans is safety and security. Our children benefit from plentiful food and a roof over their heads. It is especially important to meet these needs when children are very small and foundations for a healthy adulthood are being set. In this sense abundance is a blessing.

On the other hand, abundance (and especially overabundance) can cause some very unhealthy outcomes for our kids. A sense of entitlement is very unattractive. Materialism and ungratefulness are also common results. How do we give our children what they need and want while maintaining a sense of gratefulness on their part? How do you do this without inducing guilt?

There are several things a parent can do and, as usual, it starts with you! Your example is critical. Expressing your thankfulness everyday will model for your children. Be thankful, out loud, to God for all of your blessings. Sharing your abundance is another way to help your children learn to be grateful. Have them sift through their toys and donate some to a shelter. Bring cans of food to church for the Hands of Christ pantry. Write a letter to a shut-in. Go to www.anysoldier.com for ideas on how to encourage a soldier. Anything that encourages them to think beyond themselves will encourage an attitude of gratefulness.

Once again, and I know I say it often, your example of gratefulness is one of the most important gifts you can give your children.

Kathy

One of my Favorite Quotes

2008-12-29T14:10:00.003-08:00

The below post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"Making a decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Parenting Can be Harrowing

2008-12-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

Let me start with an apology. I'm sorry that it's been so long since my last posting. I've been thinking it's been a few weeks but it's really over two months! I last posted on my daughter's 17th birthday and we've since had Thanksgiving and Christmas. If I don't post in the next couple of days we'll have New Years as well. Thanks to my friends out there who have encouraged me to pick up the pace a bit. I'll give it a better effort, I promise!

So, what new insight on parenting do I have to offer? Only this....it can be harrowing. I guess that's not new but it was brought home to me this holiday season. The event I'm specifically referring to occurred on the day and evening of Friday, December 12th. This was a day we were looking forward to as it was my daughter's Christmas Choir program. She is a senior and she had a solo at her last Christmas program. We had invited family and friends to enjoy the program with us. Friday morning I received a phone call from one of our sons in college in Abilene (a 7 hour drive away). Feeling unwell he was on his way to the hospital to be checked out. The clinic doctor thought it could be appendicitis or kidney stones. We started praying.

The crisis point in this story comes when our daughter, in Sugar Land, is singing her solo at the same moment our son, in Abilene, is having his appendix removed. During that moment I could only grip my husband's hand and pray. I feel choked up just remembering and writing about how helpless and frightened and proud I felt at that moment. We applauded and loved on our daughter then hopped in our car and drove to Abilene to be with our son who had kidney stones AND an appendectomy.

Parenting is often said to be the most difficult thing you will ever do. Some of the difficulty lies in the loss of control and helplessness you feel when they are ill. To be so far away when my child needed me was excruciating. Another part of the difficulty is the ways in which parents are pulled in many directions. As Bilbo Baggins said, "like butter spread over too much toast". Our daughter needed us to enjoy and celebrate her accomplishments as much as our son needed our strength and support during his surgery. Making those choices is agonizing. What on earth is a parent to do?

I'm reminded of the credit card commercials that make such use of the word "priceless" for that is what it is to turn these things over to God. "Priceless" is the feeling of knowing that I didn't need to be with my son for God was surely with him. I would get to him as soon as I could but God was always with him. The wonder of it is God was with me too. As much as I wanted to sob out my fears, God's peace held me together.

My daughter sang beautifully (you can see her performance on YouTube....search on "Leah Raye"), we had an uneventful trip to Abilene and my son recovered nicely. All's well that ends well, I suppose, but never let anyone tell you it's easy on the way. The only way to survive is God. His constant presence and loving care are truly "priceless".

Kathy

Can You Spell "Surly"?

2008-10-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

As promised, I gave some thought to those dreadful years when my kids were in Middle School. I've spoken with other parents and it seems that most kids go through this terrible transformation. I'm quite convinced that parents who deny their children did this are either lying or deluded. Ours happened to hit during Middle School - either 7th or 8th grade. One minute the child is happy and talkative, content with life. The next minute they are sullen and morose; mostly silent but surly when speaking and then in monosyllabic grunts. Honestly, I've tried to scrub those memories from my brain, they were so painful.

So, what's a parent to do? First, realize that there are developmental, physical, and psychological reasons why kids do this....and it isn't to torture parents. Consider what your average teenager is dealing with - rapidly changing bodies, hormones that rage, and intense efforts to separate from parents they desperately need. It's enough to drive anyone mad! Then add to this the intense feeling that you are being scrutinized and judged by everyone you come into contact with. Scrutinized, judged, and constantly falling short of the mark. Under these conditions is it possible that surliness is defensive rather than offensive? Perhaps it is a protective fence for their vulnerability and autonomy. If so, we shouldn't try to break down that fence but rather we should find a gate to walk through.

For me it came in two distinct and purposeful decisions. First, I was going to love that kid no matter what and he was going to know it! I let him know that I was there and ready to listen. I let him know that I prayed for him. I let him know that I loved him in whatever way he would let me. Second, he and I were going to talk about something, maybe only one thing, every day. Many, many days we simply discussed what he had for lunch. These were boring conversations because he ate the same thing for lunch every day ("hot pocket and a coke" yummy!) but we had them. I would ask, he would answer and I would listen and simply be present. I didn't demand more but he knew I was ready for whatever he wanted to share and slowly more was shared.

While my daughter seemed to have missed this phase, all three of my boys went through this in varying degrees. Prayer, perseverance, and patience got me through some tough times with my children and the rewards have been legion. I'm reminded of the phrase from the movie "Galaxy Quest" - "never give up, never surrender!" Sometimes that is absolutely the best parenting advice ever!

Kathy

Teenagers that Talk!

2008-10-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

My daughter made a very good choice last weekend. She decided not to attend a party with her friends because she knew that they would be drinking alcohol. She went to dinner with them and attended the Homecoming dance with them but decided to skip the "after party" because of the aforementioned activity. I was immensely proud of her for taking this stand and making this choice. I know about all of this because she told me about it.

This kind of communication is not unusual to me because, as I've said before, I have kids that communicate. However, I was telling a friend about this and she wondered what we did to get our teens to talk to us. I had to think about that one. I didn't really know. So, I asked my daughter. Her answer was interesting to me and maybe helpful to others.

First, she said, I know that you will keep my confidences. She clarified that that doesn't mean I'll never tell what she tells me. She knows that I teach classes and write about parenting and sometimes use my personal experiences with my own children. She also knows that some things must be told. Abuse, destructive behavior and such must be reported; sometimes to authorities and sometimes to other parents. These are things she understands. What she meant was this - I don't betray her. When possible I keep to myself the things she would have me keep to myself. I'm very careful about what I tell and who I tell it to. She trusts me.

Second, and more importantly, she said that she and her brothers had discussed this very point. They decided that the main reason they talk to us is because they know we love them and nothing could ever change that fact. She spoke of a non-judgmental atmosphere and an environment of acceptance, not for only them but of their friends as well. She felt that we liked them as well as loved them and "who wouldn't talk to that kind of parent?"

Who indeed?

I have a houseful of teenagers downstairs that need my attention so I'm going to sign off now. Maybe tomorrow I'll give some thought to that unconditional love thing when they are so surly you want to drop kick your teenager into tomorrow. It happens to the best of us.

Kathy

Grateful Children

2008-10-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

I went to a fundraiser Tuesday night for a wonderful charity called Faith in Practice. This awesome group of people travel to Guatemala providing medical and surgical care for the indigent. Faith in Practice is the second largest health care provider in Guatemala, the government is number one. I've been on 13 trips, working in the Recovery Room with babies who have had cleft lip or cleft palate repair. In my past career I was a nurse and this is how I keep in touch with that part of myself.

As I sat watching the entertainment and eating a sumptuous meal I began to think of all the people in Guatemala going to bed hungry or hurting. A slide show of patients and their families rolled and I was struck by a strong sense of how privileged we are in this country. My children need health care and I simply pick up the phone. My children are hungry and I open the refrigerator door. I have a strong sense of appreciation and gratefulness for the blessings in my life. My question is, do my children have that sense? Do they know, truly understand, how privileged they are?

I have struggled with this for some time. When my children were small they were very egocentric. This is the way children are created. It's normal for them to think of only themselves but they can't maintain that attitude and be productive or happy. How do we move them from egocentricism to altruism or selflessness?

Those of you who know me will know what I am going to say here because I say it often....you model it! Your children are watching you and need to see you exhibit selflessness. When you pray for others, take food to the sick, and otherwise share from your abundance you are setting an example for your children that is priceless. When your children witness you recycling they learn that the environment is important. When they see you care for your parents they learn that caring for the elderly has value. Any time they witness you think beyond yourself or your needs they are learning to do the same.

We don't want our kids to feel guilty for their blessings but we want them to be grateful to God from whom all those blessings flow. And, we want them to share those blessings with others. Talking about selflessness and what we can do for others, modelling altruistic actions and attitudes, and authentically caring for others will help our children be the generous, great-hearted people we would like for them to be.

Kathy

Kids Will be Kids

2008-10-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting experience tonight that reminds me that kids will definitely be kids. I had a small group of children at the church and we were watching a movie. There is a platform at one end of the room that is very tempting for the children to play around. I expended some energy telling them all to stay off of the platform but one precious little boy just could not resist. I reminded him several times to get off the platform and at one point called him over to me so I could get very close to his face, look him deeply in the eyes and sternly tell him not to get on the platform. The conversation went something like this:

"Please stay off the platform"
"okay"
"Don't even touch the platform"
"okay"

He promptly walked over to the platform and put his hand on it as he sat down. I was watching. I called his name and he came back over. The next conversation went something like this:

"What did Ms. Kathy just say?"
"Don't touch the platform"
"What did you just do?"
"I touched the platform"

Dude! I was at a loss for words for a second there. I had him sit in a chair next to me and he was perfect for the remainder of the evening. I was a bit baffled as to why he left me and did exactly what I told him not to do but then it occurred to me that we were engaged in the age old struggle of adults and children. This, after all, is not new under the sun.

This sweet boy was checking out the boundaries. Children don't always understand or agree with your instructions. They will disobey to see if the boundaries are firm and if you are going to enforce them. These thoughts led me to several observations about this struggle.

First, you should not etch out a boundary you are unwilling to enforce. When you give your child instructions and then don't follow up to see that you have been obeyed you teach them to disobey you. It's as simple as that. They can be taught, by you, that your words are not important.

Second, everything can't be boundary-ized. I know that's not a word but I don't know how else to say it. You don't need to make everything about obedience. There are perfectly good times to have some freedom from boundaries.

Third, it is developmentally appropriate for this child to do just what he did. It is his job to figure out the limits of what he can do. It is my job to watch carefully and lovingly help him see that he must obey. We both did our jobs well!

Kathy

Communication

2008-10-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Adam is 22 years old. My first born son and a communicator by nature; he and I have been having some very interesting and thought provoking discussions about the upcoming election. It's not his first time to vote but it is the first time he has been so passionate about candidates and issues. His opinions are interesting to me as they are well informed and also because they are his. I'm not sure why my opinions are of interest to him but they are and I'm glad.

I find myself wondering how we came to this delightful turn of events. For one thing, he was always communicative. He got that from his father who was never one to simply reply "fine" to my questions regarding his day. But communicative children can be silenced by the indifference of the adults in their lives.

It occurs to me that we have always talked and while the discussion now are stimulating they haven't always been. There was a time when we spoke of Pokemon and video games. I distinctly remember a discussion about who had greater powers - Superman or Batman - and the fairness of that discussion since Superman was really an alien. It was during these times my young son learned that I cared about what he had to say. His opinion mattered. It wasn't always easy. Often there was real work to be done...dinner to cook, bathrooms to clean or other chores waiting. And, after all, who really cares about the fate of Cid? Except my son did and therefore, so did I. If Final Fantasy is what he wanted to talk about (and we DID talk about it) then I was up to the challenge.

So, the next time your little one wants to talk about Barbie, Sponge Bob, Dora or Spider Man cop a squat and enjoy. Look to the future when they are grown and conversations with you are their choice. The listening you do now will help them know that you care about what they think and that will keep them coming back for more.

Kathy

Where is God?

2008-09-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that we spend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to get our children to see that God is everywhere and He cares for us. You know those "teachable moments" we all look for? Well, they exist so we can talk to our children about our big God who cares for us and takes care of us.

So, what about the hurricane? I don't know about you but our roof blew off. Not all of it but enough to make a huge mess in our house that we have to deal with and pay for (blame the huge deductible). We went without power for a week and the food in our fridge was spoiled. The storm made a mess and when I look at the news coverage I think we made off pretty well. Many people are effectively homeless because of Ike. So, where is God in all of this? Where is His loving care now?

We grownups know that God is still here. Hurricanes aren't His doing or His plan. They are a force of nature that is capricious and unpredictable. They can make one family homeless while leaving another with nothing more than spoiled food. We grownups understand that God's love and care is still ours. We know He is faithful. We know that these difficult times will fade but God's love and care never do.

It's possible that your children don't know these things.

Now would be a good time to tell them.

Kathy

Hurricanes can slow you down and speed you up

2008-09-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

Interesting, isn't it, how something can slow you down and speed you up at the same time? Like most of the Houston area we were affected by Hurricane Ike. A good bit of our roof flew off and we had some water damage. Let me tell you, it's pretty startling to look up at your roof and see plywood. It's just as amazing to realize that your yard is littered with the shingles that used to cover that plywood. Fortunately for us, the damage done to our house was in rooms where no one lives during the school year. Sorry college boys, you'll have to stay where you are for a while till we get the mess cleaned up.

So the slowing down part....we spent a week without power. That means flashlights at night, no tv and a refrigerator full of food slowly going bad. After 4 days I finally quit turning on the light every time I went in my closet but I never quit looking at the oven to check the time. For seven days, every time I walked through my kitchen I looked at the oven expecting to see the time. I didn't realize I was so obsessed with the time of day. We watched some movies on my daughters portable DVD player, we played cards and monopoly, we napped....a lot. There was a sense of languidness about the days.

Which isn't to say we weren't busy and that is the "speed you up" part. For me, Hurricane Ike was a procrastination buster. I am a procrastinator, I admit it. I don't really get moved to action until there is some stressor in place. For several weeks I have been putting off cleaning up the boys rooms (organizing, putting away, yeah, they are not the cleanest of people....wonder where they get that from?) and cleaning out my fridge (maybe that's where they get it from). Also, their bathroom needed some serious attention. These things had been way down on my list of things to do...or the "Procrastination List" as we affectionately call it. Ike got me moving on all of those things. The boys rooms are now completely empty and the carpet is out. One could eat off of their bathroom floor and the refrigerator is looking new again. Things I may never have accomplished are well on their way due to Ike.

My brother says, "Fortune never comes with both hands full" and I can't decide how that really applies here but it seems to fit. My sister said, "So your carpet got wet and will have to be replaced? That's not a bad thing...I've seen your carpet." That fits too.

Kathy

Time really does fly

2008-09-08T11:29:00.001-07:00

It's been four days since my last post but it seems like 20 minutes. Time really does fly whether or not you are having fun. It is that notion I wish to address.

I remember with vivid clarity each of the days my children were born. There are four of them and they were born a while back so it is amazing to me that those days are burned in my memory. I have an especially clear memory of driving to the hospital to deliver Adam and thinking, "oh my, I've waited too late" as an especially painful contraction gripped me. I remember that my water broke with Taylor and Leah. His as I sat on the toilet in the middle of the night and hers as I sat on the bed after getting up for the toilet in the middle of the night. Ryan's was an especially frightening delivery due to a prolapsed cord and a heartbeat that briefly disappeared.

What does any of this have to do with time flying? Well, I'll tell you. Time slows and, in fact, seems to stand perfectly still when momentous events are happening. There is often clarity of memory and emotion as these events occur that stick with you for a lifetime. The rest is mundane and forgettable. Barely causing a blip in the synapses of our brains before our brains move on to the next forgettable event.

I wish that I had paid more attention to the mundane. I wish that I had considered more events in my life "momentous" for in reality life is made of small moments that are precious. Babies become small children and then become young adults so fast it will make your head spin. Three of my children are now in college and live away from my home. I'm trying very hard to enjoy each moment with the child I have left but soon she too will be gone from me. It is the natural progression of parenting and anything less than that is a sadness. Nonetheless, I would like for time to slow down a bit. I don't want to look at the calendar and realize many days have passed and so have opportunities to enjoy those days.

So, since time flies I wish for an awareness of how precious is the time I have and a chance to fully enjoy all the blessings God has given. For that, it is never too late.

Kathy

Whiners

2008-09-03T18:35:00.001-07:00

Did you ever see the movie "The Kid" with Bruce Willis? In the movie, Bruce Willis uses a phrase when people cry or whine that strikes me as humorous. He says "Wah, wah, let me call you a wambulance." You have to say this in a whiny voice and imaging Bruce saying it. Okay, maybe it's not that funny but it makes me smile.

These are things parents think about. How to make my kid stop that infernal whining. I saw a child today have an entire conversation with her mother, all in "whine". The mother kept talking to her like it was an okay thing that her daughter was speaking in that high pitched, sing-song complaining voice. Mom kept trying to reason with her and daughter kept whining. It was amazing to see (and hear).

What's a parent to do? My sister likes to politely say, "Oh, how sad, but I don't understand whine". This is pretty effective for her. The point is that you must do something to change the behavior. Taking action on or even listening to the whining encourages this behavior. So, if you like to hear whining, then keep on listening. If you would like to stop the behavior, you must take proactive steps such as not listening (and telling your child you are not listening) and rewarding non-whining by listening and responding positively.

Take note, if you don't take steps to stop the whining when they are young, you will soon be living with a whiny teenager. Who'll need a "wambulance" then?
Kathy

Brief thought

2008-08-31T09:41:00.001-07:00

It's Sunday and posts will be brief due to the workload Sunday brings. I have only one thing to say based on observations at church this morning and it is this - the majority of childish misbehavior occurs because parents do not pay attention.

You must be watching to catch them in the act of misbehaving. Then you must address the misbehavior and demand better behavior. The fat lady hasn't actually sung until you can positively identify good behavior as a result of your intervention. If you don't continue to pay attention to see that good behavior follows, then you are simply training them to ignore you. You do that at your peril, for you cannot afford to be ignored when they are teenagers.

Trust me on that one.

Kathy

Movie for Kids?

2008-08-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

What exactly does PG-13 mean and does it really mean anything to most parents? We went to see The Dark Knight tonight and there were several small children in the theatre. It really isn't a movie small children should see. It is dark (well, duh!), exceedingly violent and intense. People die in gruesome ways. Small children are put in great peril. Good guys become corrupt or appear corrupt. I was at turns frightened and confused. Imagine how a child under the age of about 13 might feel.

Young children with developing brains are unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. To a four year old, Batman is as real as Cinderella who is as real as the President of the United States. They are not abstract thinkers and are unable to use concepts so as to make and understand generalizations (such as anything I see on a movie screen isn't real). In other words, youngsters don't see violence and know that a filmmaker paid actors to act. They see a woman being blown up and they believe a woman was blown up. These are images a small child is unable to adequately understand.

If you have an older child this might be a good movie to watch and discuss with them. Concepts such as good vs. evil; the appearance of evil vs. the substance of evil; doing the right thing even though it is the hard thing; self-sacrifice; and with the price of gasoline these days how on earth did the Joker manage to gather hundreds of barrels of diesel fuel to blow up all the stuff he blew up. Obviously, another topic of conversation with older children is the sad and wasteful death of Heath Ledger who played the Joker. Honestly, you can never have too many conversations about the dangers of mixing drugs and alcohol.

It is the job of a parent to protect their child and not enough people do that. There are some good websites out there for parents to check out movies before they take their children. I like www.kids-in-mind.com or www.parentpreviews.com Both of these sites are unemotional and straightforward in their approach without too many spoilers to get in the way.

So, did we like the movie? There were several plot holes that bugged but Heath Ledger was amazing (spotlighting his sad, sad death). I was upset a major character died, happy he didn't and upset again when another major character really did die. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine were perfect. All in all I guess I would say that I did like the movie but I would have liked it better if I hadn't been distracted by wondering how the children in the theatre were faring.

Kathy

Beginnings

2008-08-29T14:31:00.001-07:00

People tell me I should blog.....my first thought is "don't should on me" but they are probably right. Blogging is a way to share. Share your thoughts, share some dreams and really share a bit of yourself.

What do I have to share? Well, mostly some thoughts on how to raise children and not lose your mind. Having given birth to four children in 6 years, raised them through the horrendous middle school years, and sent three off to college I think I'm still sane (but most insane people think they're sane, so I'm not really certain of that).

There is no doubt that raising children is the single most difficult and rewarding thing you will ever do. Getting pregnant was hard for us but giving birth was easy. Potty training was hard but teaching them to drive was easy. It is a collosal understatement to say that sending them to college is hard but it's just as much an understatement to say that loving them is easy. There are few people in this world I would truly die for but my four kids are on that list. They are at the same time my biggest treasure, my largest source of pride and my greatest source of worry.

So, this blog will be about raising them. My experiences don't always translate to yours but maybe some of my musings will help you as your walk along the road with your children.
Kathy