When Youth Culture and Bad Parenting Collide

Have you read all the stuff running around the net about the Steubenville rapists, the verdict, and CNN's coverage of same?  Well, if you haven't, let me set it up for you a bit.

Two high school students from Steubenville, Ohio were charged with sexually assaulting a classmate at a party.  She was too intoxicated to stand up so they undressed her, assaulted her, took pictures and posted those pictures on their facebook pages with bragging updates.  Other friends stood around taking pictures and video which also showed up on the Internet.  It was the Internet that finally brought pressure to bear on the police and District Attorneys office to bring charges.  Too many people screaming "cover up".  The boys were charged in Juvenile Court.  They are celebrated football players.  Everyone involved is 16 or 17 years old.

CNN covered the verdict and that is where the controversy really gets interesting.  The two (female) newscasters seemed very sympathetic to the rapists.  The boys cried when the verdict was read and the newscaster felt bad for them.  To quote Poppy Harlow, “I’ve never experienced anything like it, Candy. It was incredibly emotional, incredibly difficult even for an outsider like me to watch what happened as these two young men that had such promising futures — star football players, very good students — we literally watched as, they believe, their life fell apart."

Just to be clear, I feel bad for these kids.....all of them.  Prison usually does not fix people.  It often makes messed up people even more messed up.  These boys likely won't get out of Juvie (at age 21) as well-adjusted men having a greater respect for women.  That just typically doesn't happen.  So, I feel bad for them.  They messed up....badly, and they will pay the consequences.  I feel badly for the victim.  I don't even have to enumerate the reasons.

What I want to say about all of that is this:  What kind of world do we live in where this is even remotely okay?  Where are these kids parents?  What kind of person does this to another person?  What kind of people stand around, watch and do nothing?   Those are my questions.  Here are my thoughts.

1.  We need to teach our children to be kind and compassionate.  The victims mother stated that "compassion cannot be taught" but I strongly disagree.  Compassion can be taught, it should be modelled and it has to be expected of our children. 

2.  We need to teach our children to be brave.  There will be many times that they will need to step up and say something when someone is out of line.  Helping our kids learn to do that right thing even when it is the hard thing will make the world a better place.  It isn't always easy and we must help our kids to understand that John Wayne was right when he said, "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."

3.  We need to teach our children about sex.  Yes, I said it, S-E-X.  Did you know that a great number of teenagers do not believe that oral sex is sex?  Maybe you don't believe that oral sex is sex but ask yourself this question:  So, if it's not "sex" am I okay with my teenager doing it?  We need to talk to our kids about sex.  We need to discuss appropriate boundaries for themselves and others.  We need to teach them to respect themselves and other's boundaries.  You will regret letting peer groups and media define what is acceptable behavior. 

4.  We need to teach our children to see others as God sees others.  This is especially difficult as we live in a culture that "objectifies women" (just google those two words if you don't believe me), preaches individualism (another google subject) and honors helicopter parenting (google it).  God saw each person as a person of value (see Jesus healing of the woman with the bloody issue Mark 5:21-34).  He expects us to love others as much as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:36-40).  He expects us to take responsibility for our own actions (Galatians 6:7-10)

So, you may notice that I didn't say anything about teaching our boys not to be rapists (that would insult your intelligence) or teach our girls how not to be raped (that would insult mine....and I don't buy into the rape culture that blames the victim).  What I DO say is we must teach our children....all of our children.....to love others, to be kind and compassionate, to be brave.  Also, teach them about sex....yes, I said it again.

Is Your Daughter a Princess?

"How To Be God's Little Princess" is a book that tells little girls...well, how to be God's little princess.  There are descriptions on how to make the best pink cookies, how to wear a tiara, and how to earn money at home....among other things.  Irritated yet??

Let me start this post by saying I have a daughter that is as girly-girl as the next girly-girl.  She loved to dress up when she was little.  She adored tea parties and baby dolls.  She is a "princess".  She always denies it but, trust me, with three older brothers she is a prin-cess!

Having said that, let me say that I have serious problems with what is commonly called "Princess Theology".  This is the thought that a little girl is God's princess.....pampered, pure, precious.  What, you may be asking, is wrong with that?  Well, that is what this post is about....let me give you a list.

1.  Purity goes both ways.  Often while girls are in the Princess classes learning about modesty and purity the boys are being taught to be fierce warriors for God.  Why aren't the boys being taught to be pure?  Why aren't our girls being taught to be fierce warriors for God?

2.  Princesses are typically for show.  Name one that does a real job.  Not to dis Princess Kate in all her pregnant glory but what good is she really?  She's having a baby and everyone is ecstatic.  I'm sorry.  No offense, but I want more for my daughter.  There is an incredible shallowness involved in this theology.  Princesses are beautiful and vapid.  Think of the symbols of a Princess......tiaras, scepters, glitter, a Prince.  Ick.

3. Being a Princess doesn't bring automatic value.  Some see this as an attempt to help young girls value themselves and improve their self-esteem but let's give the culture of Princesses a little thought.  The daughter of the king was often married off to another guy to solidify borders or create alliances.  They are passive and let others take care of them.  Princesses, unlike Queens, are typically not take charge kind of people.

I want so much more for my daughter.  I want her to be strong, loving, passionate, real and so much more.  Encouraging my daughter to be a Princess, even a Princess of the King of Heaven, is not what I dream for her.  I want her to know that she is a child of God just like every other person created.  Just like her brothers. 

Quiche that Makes Your Pee Smell Funny

Yummy!

I had some moms at my house a few weeks ago and served one of my favorite dishes....Asparagus Quiche.  The recipe was requested so here it is:

You'll need:
1 1/2 pounds fresh asparagus or 2 packages, 10 ounce, frozen spears (I always use frozen)
1 tsp salt, for boiling water that cooks the asparagus
8 slices of bacon, cooked to crispy and crumbled
1/2 pound Swiss Cheese, grated (I like the tangy and sharp taste of Emmenthal)
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups light cream
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp salt
Dash of Pepper
One uncooked pie crust (11 inches or deep dish works best as this is a big quiche)

Here's what you do:
Cook the asparagus.  If it's fresh you'll have to figure out how.  If it's frozen cook it in one cup water to boiling for 5 minutes.  Drain and rinse in cold water.  Pick out 12 of the nicest looking spears and set aside.  Cut up the rest in about 1/2 inch pieces.  Into the uncooked pie crust layer bacon pieces on the bottom, grated cheese on the bacon, asparagus pieces on the cheese.  Mix the eggs, light cream, nutmeg, salt and pepper together and pour over the layers.  Arrange the asparagus you set aside in a spoke-like fashion on top of the cream/egg mixture.  Cook in a 375 degree oven for 50 minutes.  (that's what it takes in my oven....you'll need to see how yours does but a knife stuck in the middle ought to come out clean before you eat it). 

There are no calories in this quiche since asparagus is so good for you.

That's not true but I wish it were.

Ryan and the Dogs

Now that this story has a happy ending I can tell it.  This is a story full of adventure, heroism, sacrifice and more than a little dog poo.

On a dark and stormy night a few weeks ago my son, Ryan, let himself into his apartment in Huntsville.  As he opened the door two puppies rushed in ahead of him and made themselves quite at home.  He felt that his only option, other than letting them stay, was to push them out again into the bad weather.  He did as we had raised him to do....he let them stay.

Now, you may have caught the "his apartment" part.  Yes, he lives in an apartment that is completely  unsuitable for a dog....much less 2 dogs....and puppies at that.  Ryan quickly began looking for their current home or their next home.  He knew he couldn't keep them and neither could (or would) we.  He called Animal Control in Huntsville to see if they had been reported as lost, he contacted three area veterinarians to see if they knew anything about them.  He even took the dogs in to a vet to see if they had locater chips (they did not).  He bathed them, bought them flea collars, bought food and collars and leashes.  In other words, he took care of them, all the while trying to figure out what to do with them.

It's harder than one might think.  Ryan was committed to seeing them to a no-kill shelter and those are not easy to find.  Most places seem to be a kind of doggie foster home system.  People sign up to keep the dogs in their own homes until they are adopted.  It was hard to even get someone to answer the phone in most of those places.  On a weekend that he was coming to Houston Ryan brought them home.  They stayed in our backyard which meant Floyd, our very territorial dog, stayed in the laundry room which meant Pepper, our very evil cat, had her litter box moved to my bathroom.  You can imagine the ripple effect.  Ryan took the dogs to our vet to be checked out (our nice vet offers three free stray checks a year) and found out they had worms.  This required medicine during their stay and yard treatment after they left.  More ripples.

Finally, a little research into the Houston SPCA revealed that they are a no-kill shelter unless the dog is sick or dangerous.  It took until Thursday to get an appointment with them so we lived with the dogs worming up our back yard, walking Floyd several times a day, and stepping on kittie litter in our bathroom until then.  Ryan came home early the next weekend and took them in.  We hope that they are adopted.  They really were sweet puppy dogs.

So, what's the lesson?   We learned several.  One, watch your door on rainy nights lest something slip in you don't want to deal with.  Two, Bob Barker was right....we should spay and neuter our pets.  Three, you can't be irritated at your thoughtful and sweet child saving a couple of troublesome animals when you have raised him to do that very thing. 

We raised our kids to value others and value life in general.  We were more apt to throw a bug out of the house rather than kill.  We wanted our kids to be good citizens of the planet and be mindful of creatures in need.  At the end of the deal - Floyd back in a de-wormed yard, kittie litter back in the laundry room, and puppies to the SPCA - we were incredibly proud of Ryan.  His generous heart and sensitive spirit are of great value.  He's a good person and I'm happy he did what he did.  Oftentimes the best thing to do is a hard thing to do and Ryan did the hard thing with grace and equanimity.

Super Bowl Brothers

I didn't watch the Super Bowl game Sunday night.  I was driving back from Austin (but that's another post).  I knew which team won but since neither team was the Texans it really didn't matter to me too much. 

Monday morning I said to Jeff, "Wow!  The media doesn't care at all about the other coach.  All they can talk about is this Harbaugh guy".  That is when I realized that both coaches were named Harbaugh and they are brothers.  My thoughts immediately went to their poor parents. 

Who do you root for?  What do you wear?  How do you stay neutral?  How do you support one son and not make the other feel that their pain or their triumph is unimportant?   How do you not cringe as you watch your boys compete on such a large stage?  The fact is one will win and one will lose.   As a parent, that is painful!

I did some looking around and found some interesting information.  Probably you knew this already but Jim and John are 15 months apart.  I have boys 15 months apart and I can tell you that there is some competition going on there.....always has been.  My boys have an older brother that they swear has "big brother power".  Jim has a son, Jay, that works for John (and what is with all the J names?).  Their parent's, Jack and Jackie (I'm not lying, look it up...more J names), raised them to look out for one another.

Some quotes from the following article illustrate this point. 
http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/2013/02/03/super-bowl-harbaugh-family/1888797/ 

"the brothers gushed about how much they've learned from their mother that, as John said, "We were to have each other's back no matter what,"

"John said. "We are fiercely loyal, there's no doubt. We all say that. Not just of one another and we always have been. That's definitely not ever going to change. We will continue to be fiercely loyal and protective of one another, but also of our teams."

These are remarkable people.  They've raised two successful sons that care for one another even in the midst of their extreme competitiveness.  A clue to how this came about was exhibited last season.  On Thanksgiving Day the two brothers met on the battle field coaching their respective teams.  The Ravens beat the 49ers.

"After leaving an office in the stadium where they watched the game — in private and emotionless — the first locker room they walked past was that of the Ravens.
"We've all experienced that excitement of victory-guys jumping up and down, the smile on John's face. They were just ecstatic. ... Then you realize that you're not needed here," Jack said. "You walk across the hall, and you went into the 49ers locker room and you walked and you saw the players walking about — that look in their eyes, that look of not being successful and coming up short. We opened up a couple doors and finally saw Jim all by himself in this room, just a table and a chair. He was still in his coaching outfit. His head down in his hands and you looked into his eyes and you realized that this where you're needed as a parent."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/03/jack-jackie-harbaugh-losing-son-coach-visit-first_n_2608879.html

Here is one more article.  This one reveals, in Jim Harbaugh's own words, what the winning brother said to the losing brother at the end of the game under the falling confetti.  Get a tissue.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/nfl--harbaugh-family-tree-branches-out-to-comfort--celebrate-jim-and-john-in-emotional-super-bowl-locker-room--072418426.html

I admire Jack and Jackie Harbaugh but I do not envy them!!

Old Dogs CAN Learn New Tricks

I went to a conference this week and learned some new things....actually a lot of new things and I'll be sharing my new learnings soon.  But I really wanted to show off this (look up).  I did this on a very cool website called www.wordle.net.  You put a bunch of words in the block and it makes these really coolio pictures.  I needed a lot of help getting the picture (which was really an applet) off the page and onto my computer in a form I could use here but I did it.  I'm obsessed!!!!

Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First

You know that moment on the airplane, just before they take off, when there's that very boring speech about how to buckle a seat belt (duh) and where the emergency exits are located?  At some point the flight attendant pulls out an oxygen mask and shows how to extend the rubbery headband that keeps it in place so you can place it over your mouth and nose.  Somewhere in there a very important point is made.  You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help your children.  You must have oxygen before you can help others.  Imagine it.....the plane dips scarily, the masks drop down (due to a change in pressure or altitude or what ever the reason....like everyone else, I'm reading a magazine  when this is explained) and you panic.  You look around to be sure it's not just your oxygen mask that dropped.  You spend a little time asking "what's going on?!?!?"  And finally you remember that there is something you need to do with the mask.  Your kids need oxygen and you need to help them put the oxygen on but by this time you're feeling a little short of breath yourself and on the edge of passing out.  If you go down there will be no one to take care of your kids. 

I don't know about you but this is how I felt....frequently....when my kids were little.  The plane was shaky, the masks were dangling, I was trying to figure out what was going on and the edges of my vision were going black.  I was going down.

Here is what saved me....I learned to take care of myself.  I got sleep when I could.  I tried to eat healthy.  I asked others to step in when I needed a break.  I had friends I could count on to support me and understand me.  I wouldn't have made it without them (Sherry, you know what I'm talking about).  I tried to raise independent children that wouldn't be dragging on my hemline when they were twenty years old.  But mostly I just learned to be in tune with my own needs and I took care of me. 

Moms have a lot of pressure.....a lot on their plates.  You know those circus guys that spin plates?  Well, I am a master (mistress) spinner.  Sometimes you gotta have help spinning and sometimes you gotta be okay with a plate falling.  Sometimes you just lay one down and keep moving forward. 

The thing I want you to know is you are not alone.  Remember where your strength comes from.....sometimes a good strong cup of coffee and always from God.  (Philippians 4:13)