As promised, I gave some thought to those dreadful years when my kids were in Middle School. I've spoken with other parents and it seems that most kids go through this terrible transformation. I'm quite convinced that parents who deny their children did this are either lying or deluded. Ours happened to hit during Middle School - either 7th or 8th grade. One minute the child is happy and talkative, content with life. The next minute they are sullen and morose; mostly silent but surly when speaking and then in monosyllabic grunts. Honestly, I've tried to scrub those memories from my brain, they were so painful.
So, what's a parent to do? First, realize that there are developmental, physical, and psychological reasons why kids do this....and it isn't to torture parents. Consider what your average teenager is dealing with - rapidly changing bodies, hormones that rage, and intense efforts to separate from parents they desperately need. It's enough to drive anyone mad! Then add to this the intense feeling that you are being scrutinized and judged by everyone you come into contact with. Scrutinized, judged, and constantly falling short of the mark. Under these conditions is it possible that surliness is defensive rather than offensive? Perhaps it is a protective fence for their vulnerability and autonomy. If so, we shouldn't try to break down that fence but rather we should find a gate to walk through.
For me it came in two distinct and purposeful decisions. First, I was going to love that kid no matter what and he was going to know it! I let him know that I was there and ready to listen. I let him know that I prayed for him. I let him know that I loved him in whatever way he would let me. Second, he and I were going to talk about something, maybe only one thing, every day. Many, many days we simply discussed what he had for lunch. These were boring conversations because he ate the same thing for lunch every day ("hot pocket and a coke" yummy!) but we had them. I would ask, he would answer and I would listen and simply be present. I didn't demand more but he knew I was ready for whatever he wanted to share and slowly more was shared.
While my daughter seemed to have missed this phase, all three of my boys went through this in varying degrees. Prayer, perseverance, and patience got me through some tough times with my children and the rewards have been legion. I'm reminded of the phrase from the movie "Galaxy Quest" - "never give up, never surrender!" Sometimes that is absolutely the best parenting advice ever!
Kathy
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Teenagers that Talk!
My daughter made a very good choice last weekend. She decided not to attend a party with her friends because she knew that they would be drinking alcohol. She went to dinner with them and attended the Homecoming dance with them but decided to skip the "after party" because of the aforementioned activity. I was immensely proud of her for taking this stand and making this choice. I know about all of this because she told me about it.
This kind of communication is not unusual to me because, as I've said before, I have kids that communicate. However, I was telling a friend about this and she wondered what we did to get our teens to talk to us. I had to think about that one. I didn't really know. So, I asked my daughter. Her answer was interesting to me and maybe helpful to others.
First, she said, I know that you will keep my confidences. She clarified that that doesn't mean I'll never tell what she tells me. She knows that I teach classes and write about parenting and sometimes use my personal experiences with my own children. She also knows that some things must be told. Abuse, destructive behavior and such must be reported; sometimes to authorities and sometimes to other parents. These are things she understands. What she meant was this - I don't betray her. When possible I keep to myself the things she would have me keep to myself. I'm very careful about what I tell and who I tell it to. She trusts me.
Second, and more importantly, she said that she and her brothers had discussed this very point. They decided that the main reason they talk to us is because they know we love them and nothing could ever change that fact. She spoke of a non-judgmental atmosphere and an environment of acceptance, not for only them but of their friends as well. She felt that we liked them as well as loved them and "who wouldn't talk to that kind of parent?"
Who indeed?
I have a houseful of teenagers downstairs that need my attention so I'm going to sign off now. Maybe tomorrow I'll give some thought to that unconditional love thing when they are so surly you want to drop kick your teenager into tomorrow. It happens to the best of us.
Kathy
This kind of communication is not unusual to me because, as I've said before, I have kids that communicate. However, I was telling a friend about this and she wondered what we did to get our teens to talk to us. I had to think about that one. I didn't really know. So, I asked my daughter. Her answer was interesting to me and maybe helpful to others.
First, she said, I know that you will keep my confidences. She clarified that that doesn't mean I'll never tell what she tells me. She knows that I teach classes and write about parenting and sometimes use my personal experiences with my own children. She also knows that some things must be told. Abuse, destructive behavior and such must be reported; sometimes to authorities and sometimes to other parents. These are things she understands. What she meant was this - I don't betray her. When possible I keep to myself the things she would have me keep to myself. I'm very careful about what I tell and who I tell it to. She trusts me.
Second, and more importantly, she said that she and her brothers had discussed this very point. They decided that the main reason they talk to us is because they know we love them and nothing could ever change that fact. She spoke of a non-judgmental atmosphere and an environment of acceptance, not for only them but of their friends as well. She felt that we liked them as well as loved them and "who wouldn't talk to that kind of parent?"
Who indeed?
I have a houseful of teenagers downstairs that need my attention so I'm going to sign off now. Maybe tomorrow I'll give some thought to that unconditional love thing when they are so surly you want to drop kick your teenager into tomorrow. It happens to the best of us.
Kathy
Friday, October 17, 2008
Grateful Children
I went to a fundraiser Tuesday night for a wonderful charity called Faith in Practice. This awesome group of people travel to Guatemala providing medical and surgical care for the indigent. Faith in Practice is the second largest health care provider in Guatemala, the government is number one. I've been on 13 trips, working in the Recovery Room with babies who have had cleft lip or cleft palate repair. In my past career I was a nurse and this is how I keep in touch with that part of myself.
As I sat watching the entertainment and eating a sumptuous meal I began to think of all the people in Guatemala going to bed hungry or hurting. A slide show of patients and their families rolled and I was struck by a strong sense of how privileged we are in this country. My children need health care and I simply pick up the phone. My children are hungry and I open the refrigerator door. I have a strong sense of appreciation and gratefulness for the blessings in my life. My question is, do my children have that sense? Do they know, truly understand, how privileged they are?
I have struggled with this for some time. When my children were small they were very egocentric. This is the way children are created. It's normal for them to think of only themselves but they can't maintain that attitude and be productive or happy. How do we move them from egocentricism to altruism or selflessness?
Those of you who know me will know what I am going to say here because I say it often....you model it! Your children are watching you and need to see you exhibit selflessness. When you pray for others, take food to the sick, and otherwise share from your abundance you are setting an example for your children that is priceless. When your children witness you recycling they learn that the environment is important. When they see you care for your parents they learn that caring for the elderly has value. Any time they witness you think beyond yourself or your needs they are learning to do the same.
We don't want our kids to feel guilty for their blessings but we want them to be grateful to God from whom all those blessings flow. And, we want them to share those blessings with others. Talking about selflessness and what we can do for others, modelling altruistic actions and attitudes, and authentically caring for others will help our children be the generous, great-hearted people we would like for them to be.
Kathy
As I sat watching the entertainment and eating a sumptuous meal I began to think of all the people in Guatemala going to bed hungry or hurting. A slide show of patients and their families rolled and I was struck by a strong sense of how privileged we are in this country. My children need health care and I simply pick up the phone. My children are hungry and I open the refrigerator door. I have a strong sense of appreciation and gratefulness for the blessings in my life. My question is, do my children have that sense? Do they know, truly understand, how privileged they are?
I have struggled with this for some time. When my children were small they were very egocentric. This is the way children are created. It's normal for them to think of only themselves but they can't maintain that attitude and be productive or happy. How do we move them from egocentricism to altruism or selflessness?
Those of you who know me will know what I am going to say here because I say it often....you model it! Your children are watching you and need to see you exhibit selflessness. When you pray for others, take food to the sick, and otherwise share from your abundance you are setting an example for your children that is priceless. When your children witness you recycling they learn that the environment is important. When they see you care for your parents they learn that caring for the elderly has value. Any time they witness you think beyond yourself or your needs they are learning to do the same.
We don't want our kids to feel guilty for their blessings but we want them to be grateful to God from whom all those blessings flow. And, we want them to share those blessings with others. Talking about selflessness and what we can do for others, modelling altruistic actions and attitudes, and authentically caring for others will help our children be the generous, great-hearted people we would like for them to be.
Kathy
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Kids Will be Kids
I had an interesting experience tonight that reminds me that kids will definitely be kids. I had a small group of children at the church and we were watching a movie. There is a platform at one end of the room that is very tempting for the children to play around. I expended some energy telling them all to stay off of the platform but one precious little boy just could not resist. I reminded him several times to get off the platform and at one point called him over to me so I could get very close to his face, look him deeply in the eyes and sternly tell him not to get on the platform. The conversation went something like this:
"Please stay off the platform"
"okay"
"Don't even touch the platform"
"okay"
He promptly walked over to the platform and put his hand on it as he sat down. I was watching. I called his name and he came back over. The next conversation went something like this:
"What did Ms. Kathy just say?"
"Don't touch the platform"
"What did you just do?"
"I touched the platform"
Dude! I was at a loss for words for a second there. I had him sit in a chair next to me and he was perfect for the remainder of the evening. I was a bit baffled as to why he left me and did exactly what I told him not to do but then it occurred to me that we were engaged in the age old struggle of adults and children. This, after all, is not new under the sun.
This sweet boy was checking out the boundaries. Children don't always understand or agree with your instructions. They will disobey to see if the boundaries are firm and if you are going to enforce them. These thoughts led me to several observations about this struggle.
First, you should not etch out a boundary you are unwilling to enforce. When you give your child instructions and then don't follow up to see that you have been obeyed you teach them to disobey you. It's as simple as that. They can be taught, by you, that your words are not important.
Second, everything can't be boundary-ized. I know that's not a word but I don't know how else to say it. You don't need to make everything about obedience. There are perfectly good times to have some freedom from boundaries.
Third, it is developmentally appropriate for this child to do just what he did. It is his job to figure out the limits of what he can do. It is my job to watch carefully and lovingly help him see that he must obey. We both did our jobs well!
Kathy
"Please stay off the platform"
"okay"
"Don't even touch the platform"
"okay"
He promptly walked over to the platform and put his hand on it as he sat down. I was watching. I called his name and he came back over. The next conversation went something like this:
"What did Ms. Kathy just say?"
"Don't touch the platform"
"What did you just do?"
"I touched the platform"
Dude! I was at a loss for words for a second there. I had him sit in a chair next to me and he was perfect for the remainder of the evening. I was a bit baffled as to why he left me and did exactly what I told him not to do but then it occurred to me that we were engaged in the age old struggle of adults and children. This, after all, is not new under the sun.
This sweet boy was checking out the boundaries. Children don't always understand or agree with your instructions. They will disobey to see if the boundaries are firm and if you are going to enforce them. These thoughts led me to several observations about this struggle.
First, you should not etch out a boundary you are unwilling to enforce. When you give your child instructions and then don't follow up to see that you have been obeyed you teach them to disobey you. It's as simple as that. They can be taught, by you, that your words are not important.
Second, everything can't be boundary-ized. I know that's not a word but I don't know how else to say it. You don't need to make everything about obedience. There are perfectly good times to have some freedom from boundaries.
Third, it is developmentally appropriate for this child to do just what he did. It is his job to figure out the limits of what he can do. It is my job to watch carefully and lovingly help him see that he must obey. We both did our jobs well!
Kathy
Monday, October 6, 2008
Communication
Adam is 22 years old. My first born son and a communicator by nature; he and I have been having some very interesting and thought provoking discussions about the upcoming election. It's not his first time to vote but it is the first time he has been so passionate about candidates and issues. His opinions are interesting to me as they are well informed and also because they are his. I'm not sure why my opinions are of interest to him but they are and I'm glad.
I find myself wondering how we came to this delightful turn of events. For one thing, he was always communicative. He got that from his father who was never one to simply reply "fine" to my questions regarding his day. But communicative children can be silenced by the indifference of the adults in their lives.
It occurs to me that we have always talked and while the discussion now are stimulating they haven't always been. There was a time when we spoke of Pokemon and video games. I distinctly remember a discussion about who had greater powers - Superman or Batman - and the fairness of that discussion since Superman was really an alien. It was during these times my young son learned that I cared about what he had to say. His opinion mattered. It wasn't always easy. Often there was real work to be done...dinner to cook, bathrooms to clean or other chores waiting. And, after all, who really cares about the fate of Cid? Except my son did and therefore, so did I. If Final Fantasy is what he wanted to talk about (and we DID talk about it) then I was up to the challenge.
So, the next time your little one wants to talk about Barbie, Sponge Bob, Dora or Spider Man cop a squat and enjoy. Look to the future when they are grown and conversations with you are their choice. The listening you do now will help them know that you care about what they think and that will keep them coming back for more.
Kathy
I find myself wondering how we came to this delightful turn of events. For one thing, he was always communicative. He got that from his father who was never one to simply reply "fine" to my questions regarding his day. But communicative children can be silenced by the indifference of the adults in their lives.
It occurs to me that we have always talked and while the discussion now are stimulating they haven't always been. There was a time when we spoke of Pokemon and video games. I distinctly remember a discussion about who had greater powers - Superman or Batman - and the fairness of that discussion since Superman was really an alien. It was during these times my young son learned that I cared about what he had to say. His opinion mattered. It wasn't always easy. Often there was real work to be done...dinner to cook, bathrooms to clean or other chores waiting. And, after all, who really cares about the fate of Cid? Except my son did and therefore, so did I. If Final Fantasy is what he wanted to talk about (and we DID talk about it) then I was up to the challenge.
So, the next time your little one wants to talk about Barbie, Sponge Bob, Dora or Spider Man cop a squat and enjoy. Look to the future when they are grown and conversations with you are their choice. The listening you do now will help them know that you care about what they think and that will keep them coming back for more.
Kathy
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Where is God?
It occurs to me that we spend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to get our children to see that God is everywhere and He cares for us. You know those "teachable moments" we all look for? Well, they exist so we can talk to our children about our big God who cares for us and takes care of us.
So, what about the hurricane? I don't know about you but our roof blew off. Not all of it but enough to make a huge mess in our house that we have to deal with and pay for (blame the huge deductible). We went without power for a week and the food in our fridge was spoiled. The storm made a mess and when I look at the news coverage I think we made off pretty well. Many people are effectively homeless because of Ike. So, where is God in all of this? Where is His loving care now?
We grownups know that God is still here. Hurricanes aren't His doing or His plan. They are a force of nature that is capricious and unpredictable. They can make one family homeless while leaving another with nothing more than spoiled food. We grownups understand that God's love and care is still ours. We know He is faithful. We know that these difficult times will fade but God's love and care never do.
It's possible that your children don't know these things.
Now would be a good time to tell them.
Kathy
So, what about the hurricane? I don't know about you but our roof blew off. Not all of it but enough to make a huge mess in our house that we have to deal with and pay for (blame the huge deductible). We went without power for a week and the food in our fridge was spoiled. The storm made a mess and when I look at the news coverage I think we made off pretty well. Many people are effectively homeless because of Ike. So, where is God in all of this? Where is His loving care now?
We grownups know that God is still here. Hurricanes aren't His doing or His plan. They are a force of nature that is capricious and unpredictable. They can make one family homeless while leaving another with nothing more than spoiled food. We grownups understand that God's love and care is still ours. We know He is faithful. We know that these difficult times will fade but God's love and care never do.
It's possible that your children don't know these things.
Now would be a good time to tell them.
Kathy
Monday, September 22, 2008
Hurricanes can slow you down and speed you up
Interesting, isn't it, how something can slow you down and speed you up at the same time? Like most of the Houston area we were affected by Hurricane Ike. A good bit of our roof flew off and we had some water damage. Let me tell you, it's pretty startling to look up at your roof and see plywood. It's just as amazing to realize that your yard is littered with the shingles that used to cover that plywood. Fortunately for us, the damage done to our house was in rooms where no one lives during the school year. Sorry college boys, you'll have to stay where you are for a while till we get the mess cleaned up.
So the slowing down part....we spent a week without power. That means flashlights at night, no tv and a refrigerator full of food slowly going bad. After 4 days I finally quit turning on the light every time I went in my closet but I never quit looking at the oven to check the time. For seven days, every time I walked through my kitchen I looked at the oven expecting to see the time. I didn't realize I was so obsessed with the time of day. We watched some movies on my daughters portable DVD player, we played cards and monopoly, we napped....a lot. There was a sense of languidness about the days.
So the slowing down part....we spent a week without power. That means flashlights at night, no tv and a refrigerator full of food slowly going bad. After 4 days I finally quit turning on the light every time I went in my closet but I never quit looking at the oven to check the time. For seven days, every time I walked through my kitchen I looked at the oven expecting to see the time. I didn't realize I was so obsessed with the time of day. We watched some movies on my daughters portable DVD player, we played cards and monopoly, we napped....a lot. There was a sense of languidness about the days.
Which isn't to say we weren't busy and that is the "speed you up" part. For me, Hurricane Ike was a procrastination buster. I am a procrastinator, I admit it. I don't really get moved to action until there is some stressor in place. For several weeks I have been putting off cleaning up the boys rooms (organizing, putting away, yeah, they are not the cleanest of people....wonder where they get that from?) and cleaning out my fridge (maybe that's where they get it from). Also, their bathroom needed some serious attention. These things had been way down on my list of things to do...or the "Procrastination List" as we affectionately call it. Ike got me moving on all of those things. The boys rooms are now completely empty and the carpet is out. One could eat off of their bathroom floor and the refrigerator is looking new again. Things I may never have accomplished are well on their way due to Ike.
My brother says, "Fortune never comes with both hands full" and I can't decide how that really applies here but it seems to fit. My sister said, "So your carpet got wet and will have to be replaced? That's not a bad thing...I've seen your carpet." That fits too.
Kathy
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