Another view on "The Art of Marriage"

If you spend much time on Pinterest you will have seen the following.  It is attributed to Paul Newman.  The Pinterest pin says that it's a letter he wrote his bride, Joanne Woodward, on their wedding day.  That is actually incorrect.  It's a poem written by Wilferd A. Peterson and read at the Newman/Woodward wedding.  They were married for 50 years when Newman died so they must have taken the advice to heart. 

After 35 years of marriage I can tell you that these points are all worthy of consideration.  A good marriage doesn't just happen.....it happens because two people work hard toward that goal.  Let me assure those of you in the early years that all that work is totally worth it......no lie, totally worth it!

  "The Art Of Marriage" by Wilferd A. Peterson
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In the art of marriage the little things are the big things...

It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years.   It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude
of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best.
 

"The Child Whisperer"

I spent last weekend with my sister's kids.  I had a great time.  She and her husband had a job to do elsewhere and they called me in to stay with Eliot (9) and Owen (almost 7).  They are great kids.  Their parents have worked really hard to help them be kind, loving, empathetic, patient, and caring of others.  They've succeeded as far as I can tell.

While I was there I taught Owen to tie his shoes.  I've taught Owen a couple of other things in the past....how to use the potty, how to swim....that kind of thing.  But the shoe tie lessons were really very easy.  He was eager to learn this new skill and worked hard to conquer it.  He's a smarty and saw right away what needed to be done.  He just had to work a bit to make his fingers do what he wanted them to do.  I showed him a few times, encouraged him a lot and just watched him learn this new skill.  My sister was very impressed and wrote a really sweet note on her facebook page calling me "the child whisperer". 

I want to say a few things about that.....first, and least important, is that I like kids.  I like watching them become the people they are becoming.  I like the way they think and the way they learn and the way they live....right in the moment, real and totally here.  We forget how to do that as adult worries and concerns worm their way into our minds.  Kids are concerned about real stuff....the dark, their dog, who got the biggest piece of brownie....you know what I mean.  They don't really care about who gets elected or who won the debate.  They process life in a much simpler and more immediate way. I like that about kids.  And let me add that kids know who likes them....they have very specific radar for those that care about them.  They know and they respond to those that appreciate them.

The second, and more important, thing I want to say is this.....I had great material to work with in Owen.  His parents have encouraged curiosity and exploration.  They've raised a child that sees an opportunity to learn a new thing as a chance to conquer the unknown.   They've not sheltered him from difficulty and failure.  Shoe laces don't always cooperate and he didn't get overly frustrated or give up.  He's used to working for it because his parents don't make life too easy for him.  They encourage him so that he knows they have confidence in him and his ability to learn new tasks.  The first time he successfully tied the shoe himself he said, "my mom and dad are going to love this!!"   And he was right....they did.  He is my hero because he was willing to learn, struggled with the learning and beat that shoe lace into submission.  He is a great kid....and you can thank his parents for that!!

The Art of Marriage

This is on a canvas hanging on the wall of my office:

"A good marriage must be created.  In marriage, the little things are the big things.  It is never being too old to hold hands.  It is remembering to say "I Love You" at the end of each day.  It is never going to bed angry.  It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.  It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.  It is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.  It is not only marrying the right person, it is being the right partner."

The fact that I bought it at Cracker Barrel doesn't diminsh the message despite the kitsch......

A Self-Confident Daughter

These are hard times to raise a daughter.  Television, print media, the Internet, movies and other cultural influences bear down on our children making our influence more important than ever.  The message they hear from outside is one of unattainable beauty and perfection.  The message they hear from you must be more real and personal.  So, here are five suggestions for building your daughter's self confidence.  There are a ton more but here are my first thoughts:

1.  Be intentional.  Awareness that you need to do something is the first step.  You can't ignore the fact that her self-image is being formed whether you are involved or not.  It is happening.  She is deciding what she believes about herself, others and her world even as you read this.  So, be intentional about helping her form a healthy view of all those things.  This will require you to consider how you view these things as your example will speak loudest to her.  Her self-image is the foundation for her self-confidence.  Be intentional about helping her develop a healthy self image and that will lead to healthy self-confidence.

2.  Listen to her.  This isn't always as easy as it sounds.  We all live busy lives....jobs, friends, our other kids, iPhone or Blackberry, TV, radio are only a few of the things that contribute to the distraction.  Turn them off or turn them down.  Turn your face toward your child and truly listen to what she is saying.  You know how you feel when you speak to them and they keep looking at the TV?  That is how they feel when you don't give them your full attention.  So, listen and listen more than you talk.

3.  Allow her to be who she is.  For some parents this is very easy.  If you have a child that is much like you, never deviates from your plan for them or is exactly what you expect them to be (and if this is you I'd like to meet you) then letting them be who they are is easy peasy.  However, if you are like most of us, you occasionally look at your child and think, "What on earth are they thinking?" or "Why in the name of all that is holy would they do that?"  These are natural thoughts for parents raising children that are not their clones (and, really, that is all of us).  So here is what you do.....embrace who she is and encourage her to be just that.  Value and encourage her uniqueness.  She knows she is different.....let her know that you believe that is awesome!

4.  Let her know you have her back.  Unconditionally and without reserve.  The world is a tough place and it will help her to know that you are always there for support, love, a cup of tea, a manicure, chocolate ice cream...whatever she needs.  The day will come (probably sometime during Middle School) when she feels like NO ONE has her back so tell her early and often that you are her biggest fan....even when she screws it up or makes mistakes.  Actually, you should have her back even more when she screws it up or makes mistakes.  This doesn't mean that you never correct her or there is no discipline but it does mean that coated throughout the correction and discipline is a layer of love and support.

5.  Help her value the journey.  Life is a journey.  Who do you know that has arrived?  No one.  We are all on this journey.  We all struggle, fail occasionally, try again and keep on keeping on.  Share your journey, your struggles and your triumphs (in an age appropriate manner).  It will encourage her to know that your life isn't perfect and you are on a journey....just like her!  This sort of openness will encourage her to share likewise.  My dad used to say, "If you never drill a dry hole, you aren't drilling enough." (he was a Petroleum Engineer)  This gave me permission to fail and that was very helpful.  He embraced the journey and taught me to do the same.

I know I said five things but I have one more.....pray for her and with her.  Thank God for the wonderful person that she is becoming and ask Him to be with you as her parent.  He, the ultimate parent, will listen without distraction.  He has your back!

Which is Your Favorite Child?

There was a debate earlier in the week on The Today Show (something I watch every morning) about a blogger that wrote about having a favorite child.  His supposition was that no matter what parents said they really did have a favorite.  Now, I wish I was sitting in front of every person reading this because I would love to know what your initial response is to that statement.  I think that nearly everyone would have the politically correct words coming out of their mouth ("oh no, that's not true!" or "of course, I love all of them equally!") but I would be able to tell by the look on your face whether or not you really believed what you were saying.  I'm pretty intuitive. 

So, which is it?  Do you have a favorite?  Are you willing to admit it and name the child you favor?  Is that guy full of it and, of course, no one has a favorite?  I think the answer is slightly more complex than that.

Human relationships are complex.  A parent's love is probably the strongest love there is among humans.  People naturally feel drawn to or repelled by others and I think parents are the same....I mean, they are people too, right?

So, who is your favorite?  Well, if it helps any I'll reveal my favorite.....

Adam is my favorite because he is my firstborn.  We tried for many years to have a baby and were beyond thrilled when we became pregnant.  I rejoiced every time I threw up with morning sickness....no kidding.  He was a wonder and miracle and perfect all wrapped up in one chubby little boy.  As he grew he was fun and sweet and loved to share his life with us.  He filled our house with beautiful music and currently advocates for refugees.  We are beyond proud of him.  Absolutely my favorite.

Ryan is my favorite because we had two miscarriages before we got pregnant with him.  We worked hard for that baby and had some heartbreak along the way.  He was a sweet baby with an infectious belly laugh that echoed throughout our home.  He has grown up to be a smart, logical, loving man that fills us with pride in the man that he is becoming.  His passion for helping the students he teaches is amazing.  Yep, definitely my favorite.

Taylor is my favorite because he gives the BEST bear hugs.....bar none.  I defy anyone to show me someone who does it better.  He is without a doubt the most mellow and laid back person I have ever had the pleasure to know.  He has been that way since birth and I marvel that he came from my womb.  His comfort level with himself is astounding.  He is artsy, creative, and courageous.  He never gives up.  He is quite obviously my favorite.

Leah is my favorite because she is the only girl.  She shops with me, gets mani/pedis with me and is really my clone.  She is so much like me I sometimes feel like we are one person in two bodies.  She is my friend and sweet girl.  We never even had that classic mother/daughter conflict when she was a teenager.  I enjoy her enthusiasm for life and her care and concern for others.  How can she NOT be my favorite?  Totally, my favorite.   

Okay, so I cheated but let's be honest.  As great as they all are, haven't they all gotten on my nerves at one point and I considered sending them back to the hospital?  Oh, heck, yeah!  (unfortunately there are no returns during the teen years)  No relationship is without it's bumps.  Everyone brings something different to the table and even if I don't get or like it, they bring it.  It's important to value all of them for what and who they are.  It's the whole of the picture that is the important thing.  It's what we all are together.  That is my favorite. 

One last thing......my REAL favorite is their dad.  Please don't tell my kids I said that. 

My Shameful Confession

I'm going to confess a shameful secret here.  Don't judge me.  Please.  I have to give a little background first so maybe you won't be so harsh in your judgement (because you will judge, that is the way of people everywhere).

I began to try to get pregnant in the Spring of 1980.  My mom had no problem so I assumed I would have no problem.....that was a false assumption.  Five years of tests, pills, surgeries, and sex every other night (whether you were in the mood or not) followed until we finally got pregnant.  I became pregnant in May of 1985 and Adam was born in February of 1986.  I won't bore you with the gritty details of what followed but I will say that I had three more babies by October of 1991.  When Leah was born, Adam was 5 years and 8 months, Ryan was 3 years and 8 months, Taylor was 2 years and 5 months.  In the middle of all of that I had 2 miscarriages and I nursed all of them (Leah for 13 months as she wouldn't put anything synthetic in her mouth....she has always been my pickiest eater)
It should be sufficient to say that these were exhausting years that stretched me to the utter limits of my patience, strength, and perseverance.  As my children grew I developed a rich and wondrous fantasy life.....thus my shameful secret.

I used to drive past apartment complexes and wish I lived there.  Alone.  Just me.  In a little tiny apartment.  Maybe a table to eat at with a few dishes for cooking.  I'd only have to buy quarts of milk instead of a gallon a day.  A loaf of bread would last me a month.  I could watch whatever I wanted on TV and, even better, I could go to the bathroom in peace.  No one would need me to wipe their bottom, blow their nose, clean up their messes, or mediate their fights.  No one would expect me to know where the Blue Power Ranger was or use my tampons as weapons of mass destruction in their war games with their brothers.  There would be no peeing on the floor around the toilet or unending loads of laundry.  There would only be me....my stuff....what I want.

Now, you may be thinking my next sentences are going to be about the wonders of sweet children who you love and who love you so much....precious hugs and butterfly kisses.....the wonder of sleeping angels and belly laughing munchkins.  You would be wrong.

Here is what I want to say.....hang in there.  This too shall pass.  Time will march on and the days when you are their sole source of entertainment, discipline and caretaking will pass.  They will grow up.  If you have done your job well they will be independent and productive people.  They will leave you and this is a bittersweet thing.  Sweet because you will get your life back.....bitter because you will remember those days when they needed you so much and be very, very glad you didn't actually have that little apartment. 

It's tough when you are in the trenches raising children.  Remember that this will pass, you are not alone, and apartment rent is much higher than you think.

What is your definition of "Cute"

I want to say a word or two about what I think is "cute".  Little puppies, kindergartners with no front teeth, smiling babies, Darlene's new mustard color pants.  You may have a different criteria because there are lots of cute things out there in our world.

Now, I want to say something about things that aren't cute.  It isn't cute when kids are sassy....I don't care how old you are or how young.  My 77 year old mother doesn't think it's cute when I'm sassy to her and I don't think it's any cuter when my 20 year old daughter sasses me (thankfully neither of those things happen very often at all!).  It isn't cute when married people put each other down, argue or in any other way disrespect each other.  Jokes at another person's expense, especially one you have promised to love and honor, are not funny....ever.

But the thing that is really not cute....ever or for any reason....is misbehaving children.  I will admit that sometimes they do funny things when they misbehave.  I remember one day my mom was trying to give my little sister a well deserved spanking.  My sister was running around the back yard with her hand on her bottom screaming at the top of her lungs, "don't beat me....don't beat me".  My mom started laughing and had to sit down she was laughing so hard.  It was a very funny moment and my mom had her laugh.  Then she caught up with my sister and spanked her.  She didn't let the funny stuff get in the way of discipline. 

And that's really what one of the main purposes of parenting is....isn't it?  Discipline.  Discipline that leads to your children learning to be self-disciplined.  Self-discipline is what helps them be organized about their school work, it helps them make good decisions and proper choices, it helps them filter what they think and feel into socially appropriate behaviors.  People with no self-discipline are difficult people to be around. 

So often when we hear the word "discipline" it has a negative connotation.  We think of harsh punishment...spanking perhaps, tears certainly.  Our kids will dislike us and after many years talk bad about us on Oprah.  Well, that is not true....trust me.  Kids want boundaries.  They appreciate knowing where the line is and exactly what you will do if they cross it.  Harshness isn't a requirement....consistency and intentionality is.  Your discipline of them should lead to their own self-discipline. 

Don't fool yourself....bad behaviors at 3, 4, and 5 lead to completely unmanageable behaviors at 13, 14 and 15.  You plant seeds when they are little.  Please plant seeds of respect, honor, obedience, and self-discipline.  I saw a sign in a church fellowship hall once that said, "Thank you for controlling your children.  Their manners are a reflection of your love for them."  I thought that genius.