Back on My Soapbox

Let me apologize in advance for climbing back up on my soapbox (well, one of them....I have several) but I heard something on The Today Show this morning that fairly made my blood boil.  The discussion was about the most current definition of thin....."thigh gap".  This may be self evident but let me explain anyway (because it increases my burn).  Thigh gap is the space between your thighs when you stand with your legs together.  You may be thinking, "what gap?" and if you are, welcome to the majority. 

 

The Today Show had a segment with Robyn Lawley, plus size model @ 6 foot 2 inches and 180 pounds, a very beautiful woman of nice proportions.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was "plus size" about her.  Anyway, she was talking about the deplorable "thigh gap" and how harmful it is to young women (or all women).  This has apparently hit the social media circuit and she has made the news speaking out against "thigh gap".  You may be wondering what about this made me mad....it wasn't what Robin Lawley said.  I agree completely with what she said.  I am incensed by what Carson Daley asked Ms Lawley.

 

Carson Daly noted that Ms Lawley was a plus size model and wondered about her transition from "Standard Model" to "Plus Size Model".  I understand his nomenclature, really I do.  I understand that he wanted to let her talk about how she went from an unnatural, waifishly thin, skinny model to a normal sized person model.  BUT, to call what we see as models today as "Standard" and not acknowledge the unreality of that body type is to make what we see in fashion magazines the norm....and it most definitely is not!  An anorexic, starving woman is not the norm or that which I want my daughter to aspire.

 

What we see in the media as "normal" is beyond reality for all normal people.  According to ABC news sources, most runway models meet the body mass criteria for anorexia.  The average American woman is a size 12 while the average runway model is a size 0.  Plus size models start at size 6!!  How completely out of whack is that??  I'll tell you....VERY!  (okay, now I'm really wound up)

 

What kind of society puts value on the size of a person?  Sure, let's all be healthy but let's be real.  And, let's not assume that there is value (or lack thereof) in size.  Let's help our daughters know that they are worth far more than their dress size.  Let's stop making women objects that are judged by the size of clothes they wear.  Let's try to live in a place where "standard" is really standard.   Let's value people for the wonderful creation that they are as God's children.  

 

Okay, stepping off the soapbox now but it's still there for the next time I need it. 

Ronan Farrow is a Classy Guy

So most Hollywood kids seem to be pretty messed up but I've been reading about one that has me impressed.  Ronan Farrow is the son of Mia Farrow and, legally, Woody Allen.  Mia Farrow has come out to say that she "never really split up" with Frank Sinatra sparking rumors that Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra's son. 

Now, I'm only interested because Woody Allen looks like this:

And Frank Sinatra looks like this:

 

Seriously, who would you want to share DNA with?  I ask you!  But Ronan Farrow has been nothing but classy about this.  Ronan is a 25 year old lawyer and human rights activist who looks remarkably like Frank Sinatra but he is taking it all very lightly.  He's more interested in talking about his new MSNBC show than his paternity.  In fact, the quote that impressed me the most involved his mother's propensity to adopt multi-culturally (something she did years before Angelina Jolie thought of it).  Ronan is quoted as saying, "Look, I grew up in a family with 10 adopted siblings, so you know, if anything, I consider it an insult to them to obsess too much over the question of genetic provenance"

I'll say it again.....classy guy.

Parents Crossing the Line

When we first began to have children we took pictures....selectively.  Picture taking was an expensive proposition back in 1986.  You had to pay for the film and the developing.  If you had a bad picture that was your bad luck (or poor photography skills).  Many of the pictures I took back then are now faded and most of them are bad (okay, yes, I have poor photography skills....those skills all went to my sister) 

 

In 1995 or 1996 you could begin buying digital cameras which allowed one to take a picture, immediately look at it and delete it if it was bad.  Then, everyone got phones that could take pictures so there were even more pictures.  Now, we have phones that are really mini-computers that allow us to take a picture and instantly share it with our "friends" around the world via social media.  There are lots of really nice things about this arrangement.  I want to talk about one of the really bad things.

Not every picture we take should be taken and certainly not every picture we take should be shared.  In my work as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for foster kids, I went to a seminar for continuing education.  One part of that seminar was spent listening to two men from the District Attorneys office discuss Internet safety.  The quote that stuck out for me?  "Always assume that bad people are looking when you post anything to social media".  Facebook, MySpace, Pinterest, Twitter, Blogs, YouTube, Reddit, Snapchat....all of it (and maybe you've never heard of some of those) is dangerous.  Your selfie of you and your bestie can be sent around the world in seconds and seen by millions.  AND, once it's out there you can never, ever, ever get it back.  It's public.....for reals!

This leads me (finally) to the point of this blog.  Why would anyone put out an embarrassing picture of their kid?  You've seen it, I know you have....the kid half naked, the kid with a goofy face, the kid in a funny outfit, the kid doing something embarrassing, etc.  Sometimes people just aren't thinking about who's out there looking.  When you live a clean life and don't hang out with perverts you don't consider that the naked picture of your kid may be some person's ugly fantasy.  And, yes, I understand that any picture is fodder for someone ugly fantasy so you could overreact and never put a picture of your child on the 'net but then you would deprive Grandma of her joy. 

Just be cautious.  That's all I'm saying.  Be careful.  Look at the picture or video and ask yourself two important questions.  One, is this picture/video clean and wholesome for public consumption?  And, two, will my child hate me for posting this when he or she is 14?  If you can answer "yep" to the first and "nope" to the second then post away.  I'll probably "like" it and maybe comment. 

Parent overshare can be somewhat of an issue on Facebook (for more information on this phenom go to the blog "STFU, Parents"....google it, it's hilarious, but I'm warning you right now that the language is bad on the website....funny stuff/bad language).  All I'm asking is that you consider what you're sharing and don't share what shouldn't be shared.  Thanks for your attention.  If you'll excuse me I must get back to posting even more pictures of my daughters wedding.......

Some Things I Learned at My Daughter's Wedding

Well, she did it.  She went and got married.  She said she was going to do it.  We prepped and planned and paid (the three P's of a wedding).  On June 1st at 7:30 pm she and her dad walked down the aisle.  She married that boy she'd been bringing around and it was beautiful.  They were beautiful.  And, I learned some very important things.

 

First, I learned that it really didn't matter how prepared we were (or weren't), the time rolled around and she was walking down that aisle.  You do all you can to make it nice or elegant or good or whatever your criteria is but sooner or later you've done all you can do and it's happening.  There's a life lesson there if we pay attention.  Moments march on and inevitably you will find yourself in the critical moment, ready or not.  I'm thankful to several people who encouraged me to enjoy each moment.  "Live in this moment" was the best advice I was given as mother of the bride for it encouraged me to enjoy the day and not be too obsessed with tomorrow.  Life was packed with activities starting about 5 pm Thursday until about 2 am Sunday.  Being able to stop, sink into and enjoy the moment was priceless.

 

Second, I learned that if it takes a village to raise a child it takes a veritable city to pull off the wedding of my daughter's dreams.  So many people came together to make her dream come true and I am humbled and amazed by them all.  The photographer that she stalked since her freshman year in college, the DJ with the perfect music mix, the friends that stood with them, the brother and friend that sang for them, the brother that videoed them, the friends and family that came to celebrate with them, the wonderful family she married into that embraced and loved on her, the preacher and his perfect wedding ceremony, my sister and her trusty camera.  I could go on and on but you get my drift.  These are not things that you can do alone....planning, preparing, celebrating....all need the presence of others.

 

Third, I learned that I should trust my daughter more.  She had a vision and I really didn't get it.  I questioned her at nearly every turn. "Are you sure?"...."is this really what you want?"....."is this really going to work?"  were questions I asked her often.  She was confident and composed.  I discovered early on that she had two main attitudes about wedding decisions.  Either they mattered very much or not at all.  She knew what she wanted and she got it.....often despite me and my "help".  On the day of her wedding I saw that her vision was clear and realized.  The venue was beautiful and she was stunning.  The entire day was delightful and absolutely everything she had hoped it would be.   I should have trusted her more.

 

Last, I learned that you are never too old to listen to your mom.  The only glitch of the day, in my opinion, was this - at the reception there was no reserved seating for family.  My mom and I had been in that room earlier in the day and she noticed the problem.  Lots of beautiful tables and chairs....no reserved signs on any of them.  "Where is the family going to sit?" she asked and suggested that I ask someone to set out some reserved signs.  I thought this a good idea and intended to follow through but got distracted.  It never got done.  Family stayed after the ceremony to take pictures and the tables filled up with our guests.  I wish I had been more intentional about following through with my mom's suggestion.  You really are never too old to listen to your mom!

 

The last thing I want to say is for anyone reading this that has a child of any age.  Even though you are probably overwhelmed and exhausted by parenting take a moment to enjoy your kids.....time will seriously fly by and you'll be watching your child walk down the aisle.  I can tell you it's surreal and wonderful and bittersweet....all at the same time.

 

 

 



Thought about re-writing in my own words but I'm pretty sure I simply cannot say it better

This is from the blog "I am totally *that* mom" on BlogSpot.  I considered writing my own version of this but decided I really couldn't say it better.  The blogger is a Pastor's wife and mother of two small boys so she knows from whence she speaks.  By the way, Mark swears that he does not hear children make noise in church. 

 

"Dear Parents of Young Children in Church,

 

You are doing something really, really important. I know it’s not easy. I see you with your arms overflowing, and I know you came to church already tired. Parenting is tiring. Really tiring.

I watch you bounce and sway trying to keep the baby quiet, juggling the infant carseat and the diaper bag as you find a seat. I see you wince as your child cries. I see you anxiously pull things out of your bag of tricks to try to quiet them.

And I see you with your toddler and your preschooler. I watch you cringe when your little girl asks an innocent question in a voice that might not be an inside voice let alone a church whisper.  I hear the exasperation in your voice as you beg your child to just sit, to be quiet as you feel everyone’s eyes on you. Not everyone is looking, but I know it feels that way.

I know you’re wondering, is this worth it? Why do I bother? I know you often leave church more exhausted than fulfilled. But what you are doing is so important.

When you are here, the church is filled with a joyful noise. When you are here, the Body of Christ is more fully present. When you are here, we are reminded that this worship thing we do isn’t about Bible Study or personal, quiet contemplation but coming together to worship as a community where all are welcome, where we share in the Word and Sacrament together.When you are here, I have hope that these pews won’t be empty in ten years when your kids are old enough to sit quietly and behave in worship. I know that they are learning how and why we worship now, before it’s too late. They are learning that worship is important.

I see them learning. In the midst of the cries, whines, and giggles, in the midst of the crinkling of pretzel bags and the growing pile of crumbs I see a little girl who insists on going two pews up to share peace with someone she’s never met. I hear a little boy slurping (quite loudly) every last drop of his communion wine out of the cup determined not to miss a drop of Jesus. I watch a child excitedly color a cross and point to the one in the front of the sanctuary.  I hear the echos of Amens just a few seconds after the rest of the community says it together. I watch a boy just learning to read try to sound out the words in the worship book or count his way to Hymn 672. Even on weeks when I can’t see my own children learning because, well, it’s one of those mornings, I can see your children learning.

I know how hard it is to do what you’re doing, but I want you to know, it matters. It matters to me. It matters to my children to not be alone in the pew. It matters to the congregation to know that families care about faith, to see young people… and even on those weeks when you can’t see the little moments, it matters to your children.

It matters that they learn that worship is what we do as a community of faith, that everyone is welcome, that their worship matters. When we teach children that their worship matters, we teach them that they are enough right here and right now as members of the church community. They don’t need to wait until they can believe, pray or worship a certain way to be welcome here, and I know adults who are still looking to be shown that. It matters that children learn that they are an integral part of this church, that their prayers, their songs, and even their badly (or perfectly timed depending on who you ask) cries and whines are a joyful noise because it means they are present.

I know it’s hard, but thank you for what you do when you bring your children to church. Please know that your family - with all of its noise, struggle, commotion, and joy – are not simply tolerated, you are a vital part of the community gathered in worship"

See?  I honestly couldn't have said it better!!

The Best Parenting Advice I Can Give

If you know me you know the following about me so skip to the next paragraph if you want to.  I have four children.....four individuals that couldn't, in any alternate reality, be any different from one another than they are in this reality.  One speaks and thinks in words and sounds.  Speaking several languages with apparent ease and apparently no accent discernible to native speakers of that foreign tongue.   Another thinks in numbers, equations and logic that is frequently immutable.  I asked him the other day the difference between a Math graduate degree and a Statistics graduate degree and he lost me right after, "Well, you see....."  A third is all about the shapes and colors of design.  An artist who thinks outside of any box he finds himself in and is truly gifted in Spatial Intelligence.  The fourth is a wonder....strong, nurturing, capable, reliable and musically gifted.  The voice of an angel with a backbone of steel.   See?  Different as different can be.  So, where is the advice?  It comes in two parts:

 

Part 1 - Recognize and accept that your child is an individual......separate and apart from you.  They are not a "mini-me" in no way, shape or form.  They were raised by different people than you in a different time than you.  Different things drive them and motivate them.  They are wired in their own unique way.  They are the author of their own unique journey.  You hold them for a while and can mold and shape but at the end of it (actually about 16 years into it) you have little say and no control  (this is why it is SO important to parent well in the early years but that is a post for another day).  Poke a fork in it, you're done.  Finito.  They are who they are and there is no turning back.

 

Part 2 - Love and respect who they have grown to be....... don't try to change them, "improve" them, or manipulate them to be something you desire them to be.  They will make decisions you wouldn't make and choices that might make you cringe.  Why?  Read Part 1.....that's why.  Respect and love will pave the way to happy relationships as your children approach their late teens and early 20's.  Love and respect who they are and the choices they make.  Remember they are not you and they journey their own path.  They will have pain, success, joy, failure, happiness and unhappiness.  Love them and respect them throughout.  That sounds so much easier than it is in reality.  It's easy to love and respect someone who always does what I wish them to do but your kid's won't do that.....this is what makes it tough but here's the thing - I want them to love and respect me, don't I?  Therefore, I must give that back in kind.

 

So, we have a trip planned this weekend....a family trip to Austin.  My scenario?  The Houston group gets in a car together Friday about 1 pm and we travel together, sing-along style, to Austin.  We enjoy one another's company for the weekend and then ride home together on Sunday.  Reality?  Jeff and I are going on Friday about 1 pm where we will meet two kids and one fiancée for dinner.  Another kid and girlfriend will join us for Saturday only and the fourth kid isn't coming at all (too much homework).  How do I feel about this?  They are making their own choices because they have their own lives, motivations and drivers.  I love them and respect their choices.  A tiny bit disappointed, sure, but overall happy that they are grown up enough to make their own decisions.  After all, isn't that what my job as a parent is.....to grow them out of a need for me to do that job? 

Gross

I almost don't want to put this picture on the blog because it will be in the cycle for icon when I post but I'm not sure how else to make my point without the visual.   My  point?  This is gross.

 

 

This Samsung ad is disturbing on so many levels.  In case you can't read it the caption above says "Tell the truth. don't you think our monitor is a bit fat?"   They obviously go by the advertising credo that "sex sells".  Why else have a girl in a bikini holding their product?  And a girl who is skinnier than a computer monitor.  It's no wonder so many girls and women have body image issues with this kind of advertising thrown in our faces.  If this is what we are to believe is normal or desirable then we should all throw in the towel and  have another sleeve of Thin Mints.  And the high heels??  How seductive and gross is that?   This is objectification of women at its grossest.  Sorry to be overusing that word but it is just so applicable.

 

The next couple of paragraphs may seem unrelated to the above so bear with me please. 

 

I had a conversation the other day with the minister that will perform my daughter's wedding ceremony.  He said that she didn't want to be called "Mrs. Grant Williams".  She said that she would change her last name but she wasn't giving up her first name too.  She also didn't want him to ask "Who gives this woman away" or even "Who brings this woman".....like she's someones property to be given away.  These are offensive notions to her. 

 

He thought it funny to say that she is just like me....he may have even meant it as a little bit of a dig but I didn't take it that way because I am proud of her.  I'm proud that she sees herself as a person of value.  I'm glad that she has the temerity to speak up on her own behalf and let people know her own worth.  I'm really super glad that she knows what she thinks and speaks up for herself.  She didn't get this way by accident.  She got this way because every time I saw an ad like the one above I talked about it.  These are some of the things I might have said:

• Look at that poor sad, skinny woman.  I wonder how she stays healthy.
• What on earth does a computer monitor have to do with a woman in a bikini? 
• Samsung is trying to use her to sell their stuff and she is worthy of more.  She isn't an object.   She's a person.  She's someones daughter or sister.
• That is gross.
• It is not in God's plan for people to be used in such a way and you have to be aware of the media trying to tell you something that is not true.  Watch for it!!

This is how we raised four feminists.  I say "we" because everyone in the home has to be committed and strong to fight the media onslaught when it comes to stuff like this.  So, about those feminists.....we are completely unapologetic.