If you know me you know the following about me so skip to the next paragraph if you want to. I have four children.....four individuals that couldn't, in any alternate reality, be any different from one another than they are in this reality. One speaks and thinks in words and sounds. Speaking several languages with apparent ease and apparently no accent discernible to native speakers of that foreign tongue. Another thinks in numbers, equations and logic that is frequently immutable. I asked him the other day the difference between a Math graduate degree and a Statistics graduate degree and he lost me right after, "Well, you see....." A third is all about the shapes and colors of design. An artist who thinks outside of any box he finds himself in and is truly gifted in Spatial Intelligence. The fourth is a wonder....strong, nurturing, capable, reliable and musically gifted. The voice of an angel with a backbone of steel. See? Different as different can be. So, where is the advice? It comes in two parts:
Part 1 - Recognize and accept that your child is an individual......separate and apart from you. They are not a "mini-me" in no way, shape or form. They were raised by different people than you in a different time than you. Different things drive them and motivate them. They are wired in their own unique way. They are the author of their own unique journey. You hold them for a while and can mold and shape but at the end of it (actually about 16 years into it) you have little say and no control (this is why it is SO important to parent well in the early years but that is a post for another day). Poke a fork in it, you're done. Finito. They are who they are and there is no turning back.
Part 2 - Love and respect who they have grown to be....... don't try to change them, "improve" them, or manipulate them to be something you desire them to be. They will make decisions you wouldn't make and choices that might make you cringe. Why? Read Part 1.....that's why. Respect and love will pave the way to happy relationships as your children approach their late teens and early 20's. Love and respect who they are and the choices they make. Remember they are not you and they journey their own path. They will have pain, success, joy, failure, happiness and unhappiness. Love them and respect them throughout. That sounds so much easier than it is in reality. It's easy to love and respect someone who always does what I wish them to do but your kid's won't do that.....this is what makes it tough but here's the thing - I want them to love and respect me, don't I? Therefore, I must give that back in kind.
So, we have a trip planned this weekend....a family trip to Austin. My scenario? The Houston group gets in a car together Friday about 1 pm and we travel together, sing-along style, to Austin. We enjoy one another's company for the weekend and then ride home together on Sunday. Reality? Jeff and I are going on Friday about 1 pm where we will meet two kids and one fiancée for dinner. Another kid and girlfriend will join us for Saturday only and the fourth kid isn't coming at all (too much homework). How do I feel about this? They are making their own choices because they have their own lives, motivations and drivers. I love them and respect their choices. A tiny bit disappointed, sure, but overall happy that they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. After all, isn't that what my job as a parent is.....to grow them out of a need for me to do that job?
