Do you ever outgrow your difficulties with your siblings? I have a friend who recently had a squabble with an older sibling and they are both grownups. My dad's sisters often have spats and they are in their 70's and 80's. My kids, in their 20's, recently had a disagreement.
I think there are many reasons for this. Primarily, we tend to fall back into the old patterns of our childhood when we are with our family. The oldest tends to be a bit bossy, the baby tends to seek attention and the middle child just wants everyone to get along. Add the stress of illness, big celebration or a holiday and these old patterns can cause conflict. I speak in generalities but if you examine your family dynamics I think you'll see what I'm talking about.
So, what's a person/parent to do? As a parent I would say...stay out of it!! Especially if your kids are grown, or nearly so, as mine are. They have to learn to deal with each other and my interference isn't going to help. I encourage them to be kind and respectful of one another and I individually encourage them by letting them know that I love them. They are unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses. They must learn to get along with others for that is something they will do all of their lives.
As a person, member of a family just like everyone else's, I have much the same advice. Be kind, respect one another and remember that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is our uniqueness that makes us interesting and fun. And let me get on my most oft used soapbox one more time: your kids are watching!! How you treat your family is going to teach them about how families should treat one another.
Kathy
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The third option
I heard the most amazing thing on the Today Show this morning. There was a marriage and family expert posing the following question: Are children better off living with parents that argue or parents that are divorced. I found this discussion so frustrating because she was leaving out the most obvious third option. Children are better off living with two parents that get along!!
Now, I want to say that sometimes one doesn't have an option on this. If one parent wants to walk away that isn't something the other parent can do anything about. That is a doomed relationship....no matter what you want or do. I'm not really addressing this kind of sad situation. I'm talking about two people who simply cannot get along.
I want to say that honoring your family, your relationships, your vows, and your self (for goodness sake) is what is called for. If you can't get along or you find yourself perpetually unhappy or dissatisfied then figure it out....fix it! Get counselling, talk to a friend (a positive friend in a good relationship), talk to your spouse, read a marriage enrichment book but do something to make it better. Walking away is not the answer. Continuing to fight each other is not the answer. Laying down and playing dead is not the answer. Waiting for your kids to grow up so you can leave is REALLY not the answer. Be a warrior for your marriage! Fight for it!!! You wanted it once and you can want it again!
Can you tell that expert on the Today Show got my dander up??? Sheesh!
Kathy
Now, I want to say that sometimes one doesn't have an option on this. If one parent wants to walk away that isn't something the other parent can do anything about. That is a doomed relationship....no matter what you want or do. I'm not really addressing this kind of sad situation. I'm talking about two people who simply cannot get along.
I want to say that honoring your family, your relationships, your vows, and your self (for goodness sake) is what is called for. If you can't get along or you find yourself perpetually unhappy or dissatisfied then figure it out....fix it! Get counselling, talk to a friend (a positive friend in a good relationship), talk to your spouse, read a marriage enrichment book but do something to make it better. Walking away is not the answer. Continuing to fight each other is not the answer. Laying down and playing dead is not the answer. Waiting for your kids to grow up so you can leave is REALLY not the answer. Be a warrior for your marriage! Fight for it!!! You wanted it once and you can want it again!
Can you tell that expert on the Today Show got my dander up??? Sheesh!
Kathy
Monday, June 15, 2009
Back to the Future
In the movie "Back to the Future" Michael J. Fox travels back in time to the beginning of his parent's relationship. The movie begins with his parents having a not so great relationship. Fox's character effects some changes in their past which makes for a much improved relationship by movie's end. The point here is what we do in the present affects our future.
I bring this up because it occurred to me this morning that Jeff and I are in an incredibly sweet spot in our lives. I've posted about this before but let me say it again! We are almost to the point where we have each other, and only each other, back. Our youngest child is off to college this August. All four of our kids will be in college in the Fall and we'll have only each other. Think about it.....just him and me banging around in that big old house....just the two of us. No one else to buffer or consider as we live our daily lives.
If thinking about you and your spouse in this situation fills you with dread then you have some work to do. Never doubt that this day will come for you too. One day your children will grow up and leave home. Raising healthy, independent children should be one of the goals of parenting. They will leave and you will look at your spouse and say one of two things: "Yippee" or "Who the heck are you?" I over simplify the situation but you get my point.
Our relationship is almost like a third entity in our marriage. There is me, there is him and there is "us". We have been working on the "us" part for a while now. When our kids get irritated that we go out to eat alone we tell them "we're working on us". When we take a short vacation together without them we tell them "we're making us stronger". We've been "mom" and "dad" for so long and we are expending some energy finding our way back to "Kathy" and "Jeff". We'll always be mom and dad but we are very much looking forward to being Kathy and Jeff again.
So think about your future because it is coming sure as the sun rises and sets each day. Be proactive about your relationship. Reorder your priorities if necessary. Remember vows you made and how you felt when you made them. Look to your future and do today what needs to be done to ensure a happy outcome for happiness often does not occur by accident. More often it happens because we have worked really hard to ensure it!
Kathy
I bring this up because it occurred to me this morning that Jeff and I are in an incredibly sweet spot in our lives. I've posted about this before but let me say it again! We are almost to the point where we have each other, and only each other, back. Our youngest child is off to college this August. All four of our kids will be in college in the Fall and we'll have only each other. Think about it.....just him and me banging around in that big old house....just the two of us. No one else to buffer or consider as we live our daily lives.
If thinking about you and your spouse in this situation fills you with dread then you have some work to do. Never doubt that this day will come for you too. One day your children will grow up and leave home. Raising healthy, independent children should be one of the goals of parenting. They will leave and you will look at your spouse and say one of two things: "Yippee" or "Who the heck are you?" I over simplify the situation but you get my point.
Our relationship is almost like a third entity in our marriage. There is me, there is him and there is "us". We have been working on the "us" part for a while now. When our kids get irritated that we go out to eat alone we tell them "we're working on us". When we take a short vacation together without them we tell them "we're making us stronger". We've been "mom" and "dad" for so long and we are expending some energy finding our way back to "Kathy" and "Jeff". We'll always be mom and dad but we are very much looking forward to being Kathy and Jeff again.
So think about your future because it is coming sure as the sun rises and sets each day. Be proactive about your relationship. Reorder your priorities if necessary. Remember vows you made and how you felt when you made them. Look to your future and do today what needs to be done to ensure a happy outcome for happiness often does not occur by accident. More often it happens because we have worked really hard to ensure it!
Kathy
Saturday, June 13, 2009
How are we born?
Those of you who know me know that I am tip-top of my head deep in VBS and have absolutely no time to post. However, I saw a bumper sticker today that almost made me pull my car over. I was struck by the utter truth of this little piece of paper stuck to the bumper ahead of me in traffic. It said, "NO ONE'S BORN A BIGOT". I was, and continue to be, blown away by this rather simple statement.
It was Sigmund Freud who touted the concept of 'tabula rosa'. He said that we are 'blank slates' upon birth and it is largely one's family and upbringing that make us who we are. I don't know if I believe that wholy but I do believe that prejudice, bigotry and hatred are taught. Children are born to love and be loved. It is the adults in their lives that teach them otherwise. Teaching with words and actions our children learn to love and hate.
Dr. David Elkins is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and is responsible for one of my favorite quotes:
“Certainly the most important thing parents can do for their children’s spiritual development is embody and practice spiritual values in their own lives…If parents place spiritual values above material ones; if they are kind to each other, love their children, value their friends, and treat others with fairness; if they seek to rid their own hearts of racism, sexism, and other forms of intolerance; if they speak up for the dispossessed and engage in compassionate actions in their world; if they love God and treat their neighbor with respect – their children will observe and absorb these values.”
No one's born a bigot......indeed! What are your children learning?
Kathy
It was Sigmund Freud who touted the concept of 'tabula rosa'. He said that we are 'blank slates' upon birth and it is largely one's family and upbringing that make us who we are. I don't know if I believe that wholy but I do believe that prejudice, bigotry and hatred are taught. Children are born to love and be loved. It is the adults in their lives that teach them otherwise. Teaching with words and actions our children learn to love and hate.
Dr. David Elkins is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and is responsible for one of my favorite quotes:
“Certainly the most important thing parents can do for their children’s spiritual development is embody and practice spiritual values in their own lives…If parents place spiritual values above material ones; if they are kind to each other, love their children, value their friends, and treat others with fairness; if they seek to rid their own hearts of racism, sexism, and other forms of intolerance; if they speak up for the dispossessed and engage in compassionate actions in their world; if they love God and treat their neighbor with respect – their children will observe and absorb these values.”
No one's born a bigot......indeed! What are your children learning?
Kathy
Saturday, May 30, 2009
"Up" Review
It is difficult to know where to begin in describing this delicious movie. First, let me say take a tissue! I cried throughout the movie and tears really flowed on three separate occasions. These were tears of sadness only once and, parents be warned, there is a very sad scene early on in the movie. The other tears came because my heart was touched.
This movie is about adventure, loss, friendship, love in many forms, and very distractible dogs. It will make you laugh, think and cry. All four of my children reported tears (and three of them are boys in their 20's!). It isn't really appropriate for very young children. There are intense scenes of danger and some violence - the bad guy shoots at the good guys with a shotgun - but all in all it is a fine movie with many valuable lessons for those old enough to understand.
At its heart "Up" is about knowing that the journey is the thing and not the destination. The friends and loved ones we gain and lose along the way are what make the journey enjoyable. I loved the movie but you'll need to pardon me now because I need to go blot my eyes and wipe my nose.
Kathy
This movie is about adventure, loss, friendship, love in many forms, and very distractible dogs. It will make you laugh, think and cry. All four of my children reported tears (and three of them are boys in their 20's!). It isn't really appropriate for very young children. There are intense scenes of danger and some violence - the bad guy shoots at the good guys with a shotgun - but all in all it is a fine movie with many valuable lessons for those old enough to understand.
At its heart "Up" is about knowing that the journey is the thing and not the destination. The friends and loved ones we gain and lose along the way are what make the journey enjoyable. I loved the movie but you'll need to pardon me now because I need to go blot my eyes and wipe my nose.
Kathy
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Help! My kid is mad at me!
What is the job of a parent? If there were a job description, which there isn't, it would be too complex to follow. Parents must be many things but nowhere does it say that I should be my kids friend. It also doesn't say that I should strive to make them happy all the time and especially happy with me. In fact, sometimes it is precisely the job of a parent to say and do things that may make our children upset with us.
I have a friend whose daughter wants a Facebook page and he is opposed. You may be asking yourself what is wrong with that because your child has a Facebook page (doesn't everyone?) but he is opposed because his child is not yet the approved age by Facebook. Facebook says that you can't have a page until you are 13 and this dad believes that following the rules is important. He's trying to set the right example and teach his daughter that rules need to be followed. She, as you might expect, is throwing all of the typical pre-teen/teen cliches at him. "All of my friends have one"...."no one follows those stupid rules"....."you're ruining my social life"...etc. If you are a parent I'm sure you can imagine what life must be like for my friend.
So, what's a dad to do? I've encouraged him to stand firm. If following the rules is one of your values (and it should be) then stick with it. Children really do want boundaries. They want parents to care enough to make rules. They may bitterly complain but they still want to know that you fight for their best welfare.
Some of my favorite parenting advice goes like this: "BE THE PARENT!" That is precisely what he's doing.
Kathy
I have a friend whose daughter wants a Facebook page and he is opposed. You may be asking yourself what is wrong with that because your child has a Facebook page (doesn't everyone?) but he is opposed because his child is not yet the approved age by Facebook. Facebook says that you can't have a page until you are 13 and this dad believes that following the rules is important. He's trying to set the right example and teach his daughter that rules need to be followed. She, as you might expect, is throwing all of the typical pre-teen/teen cliches at him. "All of my friends have one"...."no one follows those stupid rules"....."you're ruining my social life"...etc. If you are a parent I'm sure you can imagine what life must be like for my friend.
So, what's a dad to do? I've encouraged him to stand firm. If following the rules is one of your values (and it should be) then stick with it. Children really do want boundaries. They want parents to care enough to make rules. They may bitterly complain but they still want to know that you fight for their best welfare.
Some of my favorite parenting advice goes like this: "BE THE PARENT!" That is precisely what he's doing.
Kathy
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jon and Kate
This Jon and Kate thing is really bothering me. If you've been stuck on a desert island for the last few months you may not know what I'm talking about but I'll bet most of you do. Jon and Kate of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame are having serious marital problems. There are lots of reasons for this and many opinions on what to do about it. Just google "Jon and Kate" and you can read most of what's out there. Lots of vitriol, buckets of sarcasm, and a ton of opinion. I'm sure most of what is reported as "fact" is really not true but I know what I heard from their lips and that is why I'm bothered.
Last night on their season opener they discussed their maritial difficulties...sort of. They didn't say much but what they did say really bugged! Kate said that she got up in the morning for her kids, breathed for her kids, stayed for her kids and did everything for her kids. Jon said much the same thing just not as dramatically. I think his words were "I'm here". They both reiterated that they would do anything for their children who are their priority.
On the surface these are fine words and sentiments but underneath the surface these words are representative of what their problem really is. They haven't put their own relationship first. Some other thing or things has preceded their relationship on their "Truly Important Things" list.
Now I'm not going to say what I think they should do because I'm not them and I don't live their life. However, I am going to say they should figure out how to put each other and the relationship they've formed back at the top of that list. That is what will be best for those children that are their priority. Children are important, special, prized, etc etc etc but they will grow up one day and leave you. If you play your cards right, your spouse never will. If you play your cards really well you won't want them to.
Kathy
Last night on their season opener they discussed their maritial difficulties...sort of. They didn't say much but what they did say really bugged! Kate said that she got up in the morning for her kids, breathed for her kids, stayed for her kids and did everything for her kids. Jon said much the same thing just not as dramatically. I think his words were "I'm here". They both reiterated that they would do anything for their children who are their priority.
On the surface these are fine words and sentiments but underneath the surface these words are representative of what their problem really is. They haven't put their own relationship first. Some other thing or things has preceded their relationship on their "Truly Important Things" list.
Now I'm not going to say what I think they should do because I'm not them and I don't live their life. However, I am going to say they should figure out how to put each other and the relationship they've formed back at the top of that list. That is what will be best for those children that are their priority. Children are important, special, prized, etc etc etc but they will grow up one day and leave you. If you play your cards right, your spouse never will. If you play your cards really well you won't want them to.
Kathy
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