Another view on "The Art of Marriage"

If you spend much time on Pinterest you will have seen the following.  It is attributed to Paul Newman.  The Pinterest pin says that it's a letter he wrote his bride, Joanne Woodward, on their wedding day.  That is actually incorrect.  It's a poem written by Wilferd A. Peterson and read at the Newman/Woodward wedding.  They were married for 50 years when Newman died so they must have taken the advice to heart. 

After 35 years of marriage I can tell you that these points are all worthy of consideration.  A good marriage doesn't just happen.....it happens because two people work hard toward that goal.  Let me assure those of you in the early years that all that work is totally worth it......no lie, totally worth it!

  "The Art Of Marriage" by Wilferd A. Peterson
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In the art of marriage the little things are the big things...

It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years.   It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude
of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best.
 

"The Child Whisperer"

I spent last weekend with my sister's kids.  I had a great time.  She and her husband had a job to do elsewhere and they called me in to stay with Eliot (9) and Owen (almost 7).  They are great kids.  Their parents have worked really hard to help them be kind, loving, empathetic, patient, and caring of others.  They've succeeded as far as I can tell.

While I was there I taught Owen to tie his shoes.  I've taught Owen a couple of other things in the past....how to use the potty, how to swim....that kind of thing.  But the shoe tie lessons were really very easy.  He was eager to learn this new skill and worked hard to conquer it.  He's a smarty and saw right away what needed to be done.  He just had to work a bit to make his fingers do what he wanted them to do.  I showed him a few times, encouraged him a lot and just watched him learn this new skill.  My sister was very impressed and wrote a really sweet note on her facebook page calling me "the child whisperer". 

I want to say a few things about that.....first, and least important, is that I like kids.  I like watching them become the people they are becoming.  I like the way they think and the way they learn and the way they live....right in the moment, real and totally here.  We forget how to do that as adult worries and concerns worm their way into our minds.  Kids are concerned about real stuff....the dark, their dog, who got the biggest piece of brownie....you know what I mean.  They don't really care about who gets elected or who won the debate.  They process life in a much simpler and more immediate way. I like that about kids.  And let me add that kids know who likes them....they have very specific radar for those that care about them.  They know and they respond to those that appreciate them.

The second, and more important, thing I want to say is this.....I had great material to work with in Owen.  His parents have encouraged curiosity and exploration.  They've raised a child that sees an opportunity to learn a new thing as a chance to conquer the unknown.   They've not sheltered him from difficulty and failure.  Shoe laces don't always cooperate and he didn't get overly frustrated or give up.  He's used to working for it because his parents don't make life too easy for him.  They encourage him so that he knows they have confidence in him and his ability to learn new tasks.  The first time he successfully tied the shoe himself he said, "my mom and dad are going to love this!!"   And he was right....they did.  He is my hero because he was willing to learn, struggled with the learning and beat that shoe lace into submission.  He is a great kid....and you can thank his parents for that!!

The Art of Marriage

This is on a canvas hanging on the wall of my office:

"A good marriage must be created.  In marriage, the little things are the big things.  It is never being too old to hold hands.  It is remembering to say "I Love You" at the end of each day.  It is never going to bed angry.  It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.  It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.  It is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.  It is not only marrying the right person, it is being the right partner."

The fact that I bought it at Cracker Barrel doesn't diminsh the message despite the kitsch......

A Self-Confident Daughter

These are hard times to raise a daughter.  Television, print media, the Internet, movies and other cultural influences bear down on our children making our influence more important than ever.  The message they hear from outside is one of unattainable beauty and perfection.  The message they hear from you must be more real and personal.  So, here are five suggestions for building your daughter's self confidence.  There are a ton more but here are my first thoughts:

1.  Be intentional.  Awareness that you need to do something is the first step.  You can't ignore the fact that her self-image is being formed whether you are involved or not.  It is happening.  She is deciding what she believes about herself, others and her world even as you read this.  So, be intentional about helping her form a healthy view of all those things.  This will require you to consider how you view these things as your example will speak loudest to her.  Her self-image is the foundation for her self-confidence.  Be intentional about helping her develop a healthy self image and that will lead to healthy self-confidence.

2.  Listen to her.  This isn't always as easy as it sounds.  We all live busy lives....jobs, friends, our other kids, iPhone or Blackberry, TV, radio are only a few of the things that contribute to the distraction.  Turn them off or turn them down.  Turn your face toward your child and truly listen to what she is saying.  You know how you feel when you speak to them and they keep looking at the TV?  That is how they feel when you don't give them your full attention.  So, listen and listen more than you talk.

3.  Allow her to be who she is.  For some parents this is very easy.  If you have a child that is much like you, never deviates from your plan for them or is exactly what you expect them to be (and if this is you I'd like to meet you) then letting them be who they are is easy peasy.  However, if you are like most of us, you occasionally look at your child and think, "What on earth are they thinking?" or "Why in the name of all that is holy would they do that?"  These are natural thoughts for parents raising children that are not their clones (and, really, that is all of us).  So here is what you do.....embrace who she is and encourage her to be just that.  Value and encourage her uniqueness.  She knows she is different.....let her know that you believe that is awesome!

4.  Let her know you have her back.  Unconditionally and without reserve.  The world is a tough place and it will help her to know that you are always there for support, love, a cup of tea, a manicure, chocolate ice cream...whatever she needs.  The day will come (probably sometime during Middle School) when she feels like NO ONE has her back so tell her early and often that you are her biggest fan....even when she screws it up or makes mistakes.  Actually, you should have her back even more when she screws it up or makes mistakes.  This doesn't mean that you never correct her or there is no discipline but it does mean that coated throughout the correction and discipline is a layer of love and support.

5.  Help her value the journey.  Life is a journey.  Who do you know that has arrived?  No one.  We are all on this journey.  We all struggle, fail occasionally, try again and keep on keeping on.  Share your journey, your struggles and your triumphs (in an age appropriate manner).  It will encourage her to know that your life isn't perfect and you are on a journey....just like her!  This sort of openness will encourage her to share likewise.  My dad used to say, "If you never drill a dry hole, you aren't drilling enough." (he was a Petroleum Engineer)  This gave me permission to fail and that was very helpful.  He embraced the journey and taught me to do the same.

I know I said five things but I have one more.....pray for her and with her.  Thank God for the wonderful person that she is becoming and ask Him to be with you as her parent.  He, the ultimate parent, will listen without distraction.  He has your back!