These are hard times to raise a daughter. Television, print media, the Internet, movies and other cultural influences bear down on our children making our influence more important than ever. The message they hear from outside is one of unattainable beauty and perfection. The message they hear from you must be more real and personal. So, here are five suggestions for building your daughter's self confidence. There are a ton more but here are my first thoughts:
1. Be intentional. Awareness that you need to do something is the first step. You can't ignore the fact that her self-image is being formed whether you are involved or not. It is happening. She is deciding what she believes about herself, others and her world even as you read this. So, be intentional about helping her form a healthy view of all those things. This will require you to consider how you view these things as your example will speak loudest to her. Her self-image is the foundation for her self-confidence. Be intentional about helping her develop a healthy self image and that will lead to healthy self-confidence.
2. Listen to her. This isn't always as easy as it sounds. We all live busy lives....jobs, friends, our other kids, iPhone or Blackberry, TV, radio are only a few of the things that contribute to the distraction. Turn them off or turn them down. Turn your face toward your child and truly listen to what she is saying. You know how you feel when you speak to them and they keep looking at the TV? That is how they feel when you don't give them your full attention. So, listen and listen more than you talk.
3. Allow her to be who she is. For some parents this is very easy. If you have a child that is much like you, never deviates from your plan for them or is exactly what you expect them to be (and if this is you I'd like to meet you) then letting them be who they are is easy peasy. However, if you are like most of us, you occasionally look at your child and think, "What on earth are they thinking?" or "Why in the name of all that is holy would they do that?" These are natural thoughts for parents raising children that are not their clones (and, really, that is all of us). So here is what you do.....embrace who she is and encourage her to be just that. Value and encourage her uniqueness. She knows she is different.....let her know that you believe that is awesome!
4. Let her know you have her back. Unconditionally and without reserve. The world is a tough place and it will help her to know that you are always there for support, love, a cup of tea, a manicure, chocolate ice cream...whatever she needs. The day will come (probably sometime during Middle School) when she feels like NO ONE has her back so tell her early and often that you are her biggest fan....even when she screws it up or makes mistakes. Actually, you should have her back even more when she screws it up or makes mistakes. This doesn't mean that you never correct her or there is no discipline but it does mean that coated throughout the correction and discipline is a layer of love and support.
5. Help her value the journey. Life is a journey. Who do you know that has arrived? No one. We are all on this journey. We all struggle, fail occasionally, try again and keep on keeping on. Share your journey, your struggles and your triumphs (in an age appropriate manner). It will encourage her to know that your life isn't perfect and you are on a journey....just like her! This sort of openness will encourage her to share likewise. My dad used to say, "If you never drill a dry hole, you aren't drilling enough." (he was a Petroleum Engineer) This gave me permission to fail and that was very helpful. He embraced the journey and taught me to do the same.
I know I said five things but I have one more.....pray for her and with her. Thank God for the wonderful person that she is becoming and ask Him to be with you as her parent. He, the ultimate parent, will listen without distraction. He has your back!
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