"As long as we both shall love".....WHAT?!?!?

I saw a wedding on The Today Show a couple of weeks ago (yes, they got married on morning TV but that's a whole other post) and heard the officiate say something that made my head snap up, my mouth drop open and my sensibilities curdle.  She had them promise to be together "as long as you both shall love". 

As long as you both shall love?  Let me tell you something.....you won't always feel that "love" that you feel on the day you get married.  First of all, that's not as good as "love" can be....it's not the deeply committed, fight for it, do anything to keep it love that you will feel after you've experienced many years together.  On the day you get married you "love" one another in the way people do when they are new to love and have fewer life experiences.  It's "love", don't misunderstand me, but it's not what it will be if you hang in there and work at it. 

On the day you get married it feels as though all of life, in it's wonderful glory, is ahead of you.  Possibilities seem endless and obstacles easily overcome.  This is normal and good or else no one would ever get married.  No one, on their wedding day, foresees job loss, sick children, cancer and disease or any other myriad things life can throw your way simply because we live in a fallen world.  And that is the outside stuff!  What about the fallen-ness within?  The pride, poor self esteem, control issues, and lack of self discipline that plague many relationships?  There are lots of reasons and circumstances that cause people to "fall out of love" and then what?  You walk away?  We no longer feel that love so we no longer have to be married?  To quote Weezer, "say it ain't so!"

Marriage takes commitment.....Herculean commitment.  You've married an imperfect person.  And, newsflash, you are also imperfect.  One of my favorite lines in the Broadway play Rent is when two characters are singing about getting together (they have AIDS).  One sings, "I have baggage" and the other replies, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine".  I think that's pretty profound.  Acknowledge that we all have baggage.....stuff with which we struggle.  Don't just look at him or her and be irritated about their baggage.  Look to your own baggage as well.  Trust me, it's just as irritating.  Chances are your spouse is putting up with as much as you are. 

One piece of advice I give my kids regarding their own relationships is this....assume there is love between you.  When you look at, listen to, or talk to your spouse you should assume there is love flowing.  Lots will happen in your life that can threaten that flow of love.  There will be times when you can't really feel it or see it but you should assume it's always there.  Love is a choice.  It's really as simple as that in my opinion.  Two imperfect people who live in an imperfect world choose to love one another day after day after day....minute by minute by minute.....come what may.....no matter what.  Trust, respect, forgiveness, mercy, grace.....all must flow freely back and forth between you.  This takes effort but, once again, sooooo worth it! 

Jeff and I have been married 36 years.  We have four kids less than 6 years apart.  We've experienced loss of jobs, a houseful of small children, two miscarriages, broken down cars and flooding houses, a hurricane, jobs that overwhelm us and sometimes keep us apart with travels.  Our marriage is a good one as our baggage is well matched.  His weaknesses are my strengths and my weaknesses are his strengths.  We've found a way to be together that makes us both better people.  A life without him is unimaginable.  Our son recently wrote, "my parents have a strong and enviable marriage".  We do and it all takes effort, good effort, but effort nonetheless.  Strong and enviable marriages do not occur by happenstance.

"As long as you both shall love"......I guess that's okay if you continue to make love an intentional priority in your relationship.  I actually prefer "as long as we both shall live" because I intend to love as long as I live.