This post will fall under the category of "Marital Advice". My motivation is several conversations I've had in the past week with couples working hard to keep their marital ship afloat. I've been married for 36 years and while it's not a perfect marriage (because no one has a perfect marriage) it's a pretty nice arrangement. We have mutual love and respect for one another, we have fun together, and we enjoy one another in various ways (can you just hear my children saying, "ewwww"?). I tell you this so as to improve my credibility with you, the doubting reader. I've been at this marriage thing a while and thought I would share some advice. If you're not into advice stop reading now.
I see people (including myself) do three things that are communication blockers. One, and in my opinion the worst, is expecting your partner to read your mind. You may be thinking, "I don't do that!" but I bet you do because it's human nature. If you've ever thought, "If he really loved me he'd fill in the blank", you've expected him to read your mind. If you've ever wanted an apology from someone who has no idea they have wronged you, you've expected that person to read your mind. If you've told someone you are hurt and their apology isn't what you expected so you hold onto your hurt, you've expected an ESP experience. It happens. Own it. I used to think that if I have to ask for the apology (i.e. "I'll feel better about this wrong you have perpetrated upon me if you'll just say you are sorry") it isn't worth as much as an apology that comes from his heart because he feels the wrong he has done me and spontaneously bursts into apology. As one of my favorite fictional characters is fond of saying, "Bollocks to that!". An apology is an apology and should be accepted. Grace should be extended and we should all move on. I know....easier said than done but it is easier done when it is done often.
The second communication blocker may not seem like a blocker because there is a ton of talking but the problem is there isn't much listening going on. You are communicating your little heart out about something and he or she doesn't seem to agree. You don't feel heard. So you say what's on your mind again and you get more of the same back. People are talking but no one is listening. When my husband and I have a disagreement I often find, when I stop and really listen to him, that we are often arguing about the same thing! Maybe from different viewpoints or with different motivations (which can make you feel at odds) but we are basically in agreement. It can be very difficult to stop trying to make your point so that you can really listen to what the other person is trying to tell you. Ask clarifying questions or restate their point to be sure you've truly understood. Listen more than you talk is a good rule of thumb.
The third communication blocker is that fearful little voice that creeps into your head telling you that the current moment of anger or resentment is due to lack of love. Shut that down immediately in a take-no-prisoners fashion. I have found that reminding myself that there is love between us helps me to reposition my thinking and be more open and honest as well as listen better. The Beatles said "All You Need is Love" and while that's not strictly true it has some merit in this discussion.
Let me close by saying that not every disagreement is due to the above blockers but I have found that 99% of the "energetic discussions" we have are settled in one of these manners. Either I tell him what my heart needs (an apology or a hug or simple reassurance) or I really listen and try to understand his POV which leads me to realize that we don't actually disagree. Most important of all, I assume that there is love between us. No matter what our discussions, differences or doofus behaviors, there is love and that really does conquer all.
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