But Also Let Them Grow Up!

My last post was about letting your children enjoy their childhood and keeping things appropriate to their age (i.e. children drinking coffee which, IMHO, is an adult beverage).  The other side of this coin is people who don't allow their kids to grow up.  We know them as Hovering or Helicopter parents. 

I read a blog article this week that brings some of these issues to the front of my brain.  You can find the blog article here but I will recap in case you don't want to read (but please do as it's completely fascinating!)  A woman ran into the store one day and left her 4 year old in the car watching an iPad.  Cool day, car locked and alarmed, 5 minutes gone....suffice to say that I could see myself doing the same thing.  Someone saw and videotaped this incident with their phone and called the police.  Her life was consumed with this event (even to the point of possibly losing her children) and consequences ensued. 

Also this week was a story on the Today Show (which I watch every morning with my own grown up cup of java) about a teacher that left a message on a parent's cell phone....more of a message than she intended.  Her phone didn't hang up and her conversation with other teachers in the room was recorded on the end of her message to the parent.  She said, "He has no common sense.   He was seven in May and he's the biggest baby in my group. She still probably wipes his butt."  Now, let's all admit that this was unkind but let's also say that people who have jobs complain about them occasionally to co-workers.  And if you think teachers don't talk about the kids you're fooling yourself.   So, what did the mom do?  She has made her complaint to administration, refused the teacher and school apology and transferred her child to another school.  It seems to me that she has verified the teacher's opinion with her actions. 

As I type this I wonder what thread links these two stories because it's not obvious but in my mind there is indeed a link.  I suppose the link is a culture of fear in which we are raising our children.  What are we afraid of?  Maybe we're afraid that something will happen to them.   Goodness knows stuff happens but is the world truly a more dangerous place than it was when we were kids?  I never wore a bike helmet or a seat belt.  No one had car seats, much less car seats for 8 year olds.  For Heaven's sake, my younger brother and I rode our bikes around our neighborhood and sold lemonade to workers building houses when we were 9 and 10.  We roamed woods and half built houses all summer.  Were there just as many child abductions then but we just didn't know because we weren't blessed with the internet?  I don't really know but I know that I survived, my siblings survived and everyone I knew did also.  There's no doubt the world can be a dangerous place but are we ruled by irrational fear?  Sometimes I think the answer to that question is "YES!"  And is this irrational fear causing us to helicopter and overprotect our kids?  That would also often be a "yes" from what I can see.  The consequences of this behavior are grave.  We see children that are afraid to live and afraid to grow up.  Could this be why adolescence is now being defined as upward to age 27?

The second story is representative of another kind of fear.  Fear that my child won't be liked or perfect or everything I want him or her to be.  Fear that they will grow up and leave me?  Maybe a bit.  Fear that other people will think I'm a bad parent?  Maybe a bit more.  Fear that my child will suffer heartache and disappointment?    Lot's of fear with parenting.  Let's admit that right off.  What you've done is introduce into your family and the world at large an individual.  A person that will have to live, representing you and yours, on their own.  You want to get it right.

So, we've defined an issue (or two) but what's a parent to do?  It's all well and good to talk about the problem but how about some solutions?  I'm not sure I have "solutions" but I do have some ideas and because blogs with bullet points are easier to read I'm going to finish this with a few bullet points.

• Pray, pray and pray some more.  Pray for wisdom, strength, patience, peace and anything else you think might help.  Pray because we are children of a Father that listens and loves.  Then do your part and parent to the best of your ability.
• Be grateful for who they are.  They aren't any more perfect than you (surprise!).  Let them be who they were meant to be even if that isn't your ideal.  That doesn't mean you don't have expectations and goals for them but at the base of it you must let them be who they are designed to be.
• Don't protect them from life's potholes.  Just don't.  That's really hard because no one likes to see their kid struggle but, trust me, they will struggle at some point and they will be totally unprepared for it if you haven't prepared them along the way.  I love the saying "Don't prepare the path for your child, prepare your child for the path" because it's so true!
• Remember that actions have consequences.  Your actions and their actions.....all actions have consequences.  I'm a great believer in natural consequences as a disciplinary tool but we sometimes forget that our parental actions also have consequences.  I let my 4 year old sass me and she will be more skilled at it at 12.  I do my child's homework in 4th grade and he's unable to complete a High School assignment.  With kids, much like your garden, you reap what you sow.  So remember that your actions, for good or ill, have consequences.  

Like so much of life there is a balance to be struck here.  Protect them but don't smother them.  Love them but don't make them think they are the center of the universe.  Help them be who they are meant to be but don't tell them who they are meant to be (that's a really hard one!).  It's tough.  No one ever said parenting was easy but people have been doing it for a long, long time and people generally turn out okay.  

One more story and sorry for the long post.  When our oldest, Adam, was a Sophomore in college he decided to do a semester abroad.  He wasn't at one of those schools that sent a group of kids to a select place with approved teachers and a set place to live.  (I'm thinking ACU's Oxford groups here).  No, our son signed up with American International University and hiked off to London on his own.  He arranged his place to stay (through Craig's List....gasp!) and his own ticket.  We took him to the airport with his luggage and his guitar and put him on a plane bound for one of the biggest cities in the world with no idea of where he was staying.  He had an address and a name.  Two months later we put his younger brother on a plane to visit him.   Their plan was to meet at the Burger King in Victoria Station.  This was pre-cell phone days.  I will admit that those were two of the most difficult days of my life.  I worried myself sick but I let them go because I believed they could handle what came at them and they needed to go.  We had prepared them and they were ready.  I badly wanted to hover but, that time, I didn't.  I'm glad I didn't and so were they.  They still talk about the great time they had and how wonderful it was to be together.  

As I said earlier, there is a lot to fear in this world but we can't let fear rule us or our actions.  Wasn't it Churchill who said "The only thing to fear is fear itself"?  So, be fearless in your parenting.  Be fierce in protecting your kids and their right to be kids but also their right to grow up.  Let them grow up and enjoy each moment for they will be grown up before you know it.  Trust me, I know this to be true!