Kids & Christmas: Part 5 - Givers

We wanted to raise givers.  We wanted our children to be compassionate givers....giving of their time and attention and love and money and talents.  So many people are "takers" or "consumers" in the world and we wanted our kids to be different.  For the most part I think we've succeeded. Our kids aren't perfect, by any means.  They are as imperfect as their parents (and in many of the same ways, unsurprisingly).  But, on the whole, they are loving and compassionate people.   Looking back on our parenting I think there were some things we did that helped. 

We gave.  We gave our money - at church, to the Salvation Army guy at WalMart, to every girl scout and boy scout that sold us cookies or raffle tickets, at our Christian School fund raisers, and lots of other places where people were in need.  We gave our stuff - Paralyzed Veterans Association and Houston Achievement Place must have us on speed dial for all the clothes and stuff we give away.  Food from our pantry was often taken to church for Hungry Homer (the food barrels used to be called that, if you can imagine it)....and not food they  hated.  We had them pick out something they liked.  What good is it to give away something you would never eat anyway?  We gave our time.  Because of my job at the church (Children and Families Minister) we spend a lot of time at church doing various things....setting up for events, doing events, cleaning up from those events, teaching Bible classes, coordinating children's worship....you name it and if it had to do with kids we did it and, more often than not, we did it as a family.  We dragged our kids along as we gave of our time.  Now that they are grown and in serious relationships we drag their significant others along as well (I'm not even going to apologize, Maribeth and Grant, I'm just going to say "thanks").  We gave and our kids participated in that giving.

We didn't give them everything they asked for.  American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, is famous for his "Hierarchy of Need" pyramid.  Basic needs are the base - food, air, water, sleep, pooing.  Other needs build on that base and create, at the top, a self-actualized real person that other people want to be around (that should be your goal as a parent, by the way....to raise people other people want to be with)  We paid attention to this handy pyramid and noted that nowhere on it does it say "the latest toy everyone else has" or "everything they desire".   I suppose it was fortunate that we had four kids...we couldn't have possibly given them everything they wanted because we couldn't afford everything they wanted.  We were forced, by economics, to pick and choose.  I realize that would have been harder to do if we had only one or two kids.

We expected them to be generous people....with one another and with others.  When the kids received video game systems they were given to "the kids"...not to any one of them.  Individual games may be given to a child but those were intended to share and share alike.  The games and consoles were "family gifts" and everyone understood that generosity was expected.  We expected them to be generous with each other concerning their time and love and things.  They helped each other with homework and projects (which makes total sense when you consider their various gifts).  They shared toys and a room for many years.  We expected them to be generous in mercy and grace....four children (three of them boys) in five years required much mercy and grace on behalf of all six of us!  There were some tough times (and frankly a few holes in my memory) but now that they are 21, 23, 24, and 26 I can say that we did okay.  They are pretty good people....caring and compassionate and giving.  I'm pretty sure children aren't givers by nature and our culture doesn't exactly encourage giving of oneself.  If you want to raise children that give you must model giving and nurture a giving spirit. 

Let me close by saying....one more time....that my kids aren't perfect....in no way....but they are pretty good people.  They are people I believe other people want to be with (including me!) and that's a good thing. 

Kids & Christmas: Part 4 - Lies

So who does this describe?  There's this guy.  He's older than your kid.  He knows everything about your kid....when they are being good and when they are being bad.  He wants them to be good.  He watches over everyone.  He is the giver of good gifts and blessings.  No one you know has ever actually seen him but lots of people believe that he is real.  You can go to a play and see him portrayed by an actor.  Sometimes you see movies on TV about him.   Have I just described Jesus or Santa Claus?

I will confess to you that I have had moments of unease over the whole Santa mythos.  I think it's kind of creepy that some guy would sneak into my home while I sleep....even if he does leave presents behind.  I was never really one of those parents that bothered to make it look more real....leaving out cookies and milk, making reindeer tracks outside....you know the type.   I let my kids believe but didn't prolong the belief nor did I try to shorten their time in the innocence of childhood.  I just let it roll out as it would....helplessly watching.

Why?  Well...the short answer is this - what else is a parent to do?  You could be an uber-realist and tell your kid up front that the old guy is a myth and you are really the one leaving the gifts.  This invites your 4 year old to tell the other pre-schoolers the truth of the situation making you the most unpopular family in the neighborhood (next to the family that told their kids about sex too soon...even more awkward)  We are immersed in a culture that wants children to believe in all manner of myth....the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, even creepier Elf on a Shelf (who moves about in the night creating mischief, for goodness sake) and that there will be Social Security when they get old.  We want our children to remain innocent and pure.  That's not a bad thing.  It's a very good thing.  My discomfort comes when I realize that they may wonder what else I've lied about. 

And therein lies my problem.  Will they ever wonder if what I've told them about Jesus is a lie?  Did he ever really live?  Does he really know me and care about me?  How much of that "story" is a myth?  These are weighty questions and I believe the best way to handle them is head on.  Just address it.  When your child is old enough to understand abstract concepts (usually around 9 or 10 years of age) and no longer believes in Santa (that is an age up in the air but you can bet his or her friends with older siblings will know at about this age and will be telling) talk about the differences between Santa and Jesus.  Jesus lived.....scholars can prove that.  Jesus lives still....your own testimony can show that.  Jesus loves.....the Bible tells us so.  Be intentional about telling the story of Jesus...every day....in a personal way.  If you are living the life of a Christ-follower and you address the issues your kids will know the difference between the Truth and a myth. 


NEXT:  Kids & Christmas - Givers

Kids & Christmas: Part 3 - Gimme

I remember a Christmas several years ago (and I'm sure my boys could tell you which one) our children wouldn't declare which new video game system they wanted.  I don't even remember which two companies upgraded their systems but we bought both thinking we would take one back when the boys declared which one they wanted.  We kept both systems.  (I wanted to be a 'video game free home' but was outvoted.....a topic for another post)  I can honestly say that we owned every video game system every created....even a Sega Dreamcast which was only in production from 1999 - 2001.  A sorry state of affairs.  I tell you these things so that you don't think we were perfect parents when it came to raising children without the "Gimmes".  We absolutely were not!  Our children had as much as the neighbor kids and wanted more, just like every other kid.  They totally wanted to keep up with the Jones!!

But that isn't what I wanted for my kids and one day I showed them the front page of the newspaper where there was a picture of a starving child.  That was a tough day....for them and me.  It was a spur of the moment thing.  They were all in Elementary School and the moment seemed right.   Here is the dilemma....I don't want my children to feel guilty for their blessings...I want them to feel blessed.  I want that feeling of being blessed to compel them to do good works and give back.  I want them to care about others and for that sense of care to cause them to act.   I don't want them to feel entitled to blessings.  I want them to appreciate the blessings and share those blessings out of a sense of abundance.  These are not natural things for children who are, by nature, self centered and ego centric.  You have to find a way for them to understand these things.

Some practical ideas?  Put a blanket in your car and the next time you pass a person panhandling on the corner give them the blanket.  Talk to your kids about homeless people.  Why might they be homeless? (please, please, please, don't buy into and perpetrate stereotypes about homeless people taking advantage of the government dole.....most of them are trying to live better lives)  What can we do to help?  We have much so is there something we can share?  Can we pray for that person on the corner?

Talk to your children about organizations such as Save the Children or Heifer International or International Rescue Committee (one my son worked for).  These organizations take your donations and do real things with them....buy a cow, pay for school, feed people.  Tell you children that one of their gifts will be a donation.....then do it!  Buy one less gift and give the money you would have spent to a charity.  Charity Navigator is a good place to check out charities that spend their money wisely.

Don't give them everything they want.  Don't buy into the notion that you are responsible for their happiness and their happiness is dependent upon what they get.  None of that is true.  Give them what they need.....love, shelter, safety, acceptance, discipline, more love.  Giving them everything they want is not what is best for them.  Some things about parenting are hard and this is one of them.   Leave some things on their list....I was fortunate that there were always several things on my kid's lists that were never going to happen (sorry, Taylor, you are never getting an iguana as long as you live in my house) and still we looked for things that could be left un-bought. 

Look at your own spending habits.  Do you exhibit signs of the "gimmes"?  Are you teaching your kids that you must have everything you want...right when you want it?  Are you giving....sharing....and thinking outside of your own self?  What are you modelling?  That is the real question because what you are doing says far more than what you are saying.

NEXT:  Kids & Christmas:  Lies

Kids & Christmas: Part 2 - Reasons

"Jesus is the reason for the Season".  You've heard this, I'm sure.  If you are like me (and chances are some of you are) you were raised in an environment that didn't necessarily celebrate Christmas Day as the actual birthday of Jesus.  Honestly, that's putting it mildly.  We knew that Jesus wasn't born on the 25th of December and so we sort of looked down our noses at those who sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus on Christmas Day.  As my dad used to say, "We have let our feelings about Catholics cause us to lose an appreciation for the birth of Jesus."   I think he speaks truth in this case. 

Let me say, right off, that, yes, we know Jesus probably wasn't born on December 25th.  It is cold in Palestine in December, shepherds wouldn't be out "with their flock" that time of year...blah, blah, yadda, yadda.  Yeah, we get it.   There are lots of scholars that think Jesus was born in September....or April.  Does is matter?  Isn't the important thing (the most important thing) is that he was born at all?  Don't you think the reason for Christmas has shifted anyway to one of gifts, sales, food, and schmaltzy Christmas specials on TV?  Santa is the star of the Season.  Or so it would seem if you survey our popular culture and media. 

But it doesn't have to be that way.  We can decide, for ourselves and our families, what is the meaning of Christmas.  It could be a whole season of giving....giving away clothes we no longer wear, giving away food to those in need, giving away acts of service to volunteer organizations.  It could be a whole season of remembering.....remembering those who came before us and gave us a solid family grounded in faith and love (or remembering our commitment to be different from those who came before us and didn't give those things).  It could be a season of worship.....worshipping a God who came down and lived among us only to die for us.  It could be a season of family....family playing together, praying together, sharing joy together.  The possibilities are endless and as varied as there are families out there. 

So, what is the reason for the Season in your family?  By all means, talk about the birth of Jesus....everyone else is and that's a good thing.  And spend some time thinking about and discussing the reason for the Season.  Christmas is all around and a point will be made....never doubt that your kids are learning something....be the one to direct what they are learning. 

NEXT:  Kids & Christmas:  Part 3 - Gimme

Kids & Christmas: Part 1 - Traditions

This is part 1 of a 5 part series on Christmas and kids.  For those of you that know me please stop thinking, "Oh sure, and we'll get the rest of it next Christmas".....smarty pants!  I've written them all (or have in my head) and won't post the first until the last is ready to post.  It could be that this will never see the light of day.....but I digress.

Traditions are important to children.  Traditions ground them to who they are and where they belong.  It gives them good and solid memories of happy times.  Traditions help them know what is really important about your family, the holiday, and your values regarding both.  It says something if your holiday traditions involve buying and getting.  It says something else if your traditions involve cooking and eating.  It says even something else if your traditions involve giving and serving.  Not that there is anything wrong with any of these things....it's just that they all say something. 

Another interesting thing about traditions is the criteria for a tradition.  Maybe it's just my kids but it seemed to me that if we did a thing one time it was a tradition.  "We do that every year!" my kids would say (even though I'm pretty sure we did it for the first time just last year).  I raised some pretty sentimental kids....they really dig their traditions.  For instance, we open Christmas presents on Christmas Eve at my parent's house.  The kids have their spot to sit as they open their gifts.  This year we are going on a family trip and won't be at Grandma's house on Christmas Eve.  The person most upset by this?  My 26 year old son!!!  He's "severely bummed" that he can't sit in his spot and open gifts at Grandma's house.  His siblings aren't a whole lot happier.   My point is this.....all that elaborate Elf on a Shelf stuff you did last year?  You'll have to do that and more this year. 

So think about your traditions.  What are the things you do "every year" that your kids would screech about if you didn't do them?  What do those things say about your family and what you value?  Consider talking about those traditions with your kids.  Call them traditions, claim them as yours, talk about why you do them and what they say about you.  Also consider this.....if you thought about your favorite things about Christmas I bet it would be traditions from when you were a kid.  What is your child going to remember?  And, once more, what does that say about you and your family? 

NEXT:  Kids & Christmas:  Part 2 - Reasons