Can You Spell "Surly"?

As promised, I gave some thought to those dreadful years when my kids were in Middle School. I've spoken with other parents and it seems that most kids go through this terrible transformation. I'm quite convinced that parents who deny their children did this are either lying or deluded. Ours happened to hit during Middle School - either 7th or 8th grade. One minute the child is happy and talkative, content with life. The next minute they are sullen and morose; mostly silent but surly when speaking and then in monosyllabic grunts. Honestly, I've tried to scrub those memories from my brain, they were so painful.

So, what's a parent to do? First, realize that there are developmental, physical, and psychological reasons why kids do this....and it isn't to torture parents. Consider what your average teenager is dealing with - rapidly changing bodies, hormones that rage, and intense efforts to separate from parents they desperately need. It's enough to drive anyone mad! Then add to this the intense feeling that you are being scrutinized and judged by everyone you come into contact with. Scrutinized, judged, and constantly falling short of the mark. Under these conditions is it possible that surliness is defensive rather than offensive? Perhaps it is a protective fence for their vulnerability and autonomy. If so, we shouldn't try to break down that fence but rather we should find a gate to walk through.

For me it came in two distinct and purposeful decisions. First, I was going to love that kid no matter what and he was going to know it! I let him know that I was there and ready to listen. I let him know that I prayed for him. I let him know that I loved him in whatever way he would let me. Second, he and I were going to talk about something, maybe only one thing, every day. Many, many days we simply discussed what he had for lunch. These were boring conversations because he ate the same thing for lunch every day ("hot pocket and a coke" yummy!) but we had them. I would ask, he would answer and I would listen and simply be present. I didn't demand more but he knew I was ready for whatever he wanted to share and slowly more was shared.

While my daughter seemed to have missed this phase, all three of my boys went through this in varying degrees. Prayer, perseverance, and patience got me through some tough times with my children and the rewards have been legion. I'm reminded of the phrase from the movie "Galaxy Quest" - "never give up, never surrender!" Sometimes that is absolutely the best parenting advice ever!

Kathy