Teenagers that Talk!

My daughter made a very good choice last weekend. She decided not to attend a party with her friends because she knew that they would be drinking alcohol. She went to dinner with them and attended the Homecoming dance with them but decided to skip the "after party" because of the aforementioned activity. I was immensely proud of her for taking this stand and making this choice. I know about all of this because she told me about it.

This kind of communication is not unusual to me because, as I've said before, I have kids that communicate. However, I was telling a friend about this and she wondered what we did to get our teens to talk to us. I had to think about that one. I didn't really know. So, I asked my daughter. Her answer was interesting to me and maybe helpful to others.

First, she said, I know that you will keep my confidences. She clarified that that doesn't mean I'll never tell what she tells me. She knows that I teach classes and write about parenting and sometimes use my personal experiences with my own children. She also knows that some things must be told. Abuse, destructive behavior and such must be reported; sometimes to authorities and sometimes to other parents. These are things she understands. What she meant was this - I don't betray her. When possible I keep to myself the things she would have me keep to myself. I'm very careful about what I tell and who I tell it to. She trusts me.

Second, and more importantly, she said that she and her brothers had discussed this very point. They decided that the main reason they talk to us is because they know we love them and nothing could ever change that fact. She spoke of a non-judgmental atmosphere and an environment of acceptance, not for only them but of their friends as well. She felt that we liked them as well as loved them and "who wouldn't talk to that kind of parent?"

Who indeed?

I have a houseful of teenagers downstairs that need my attention so I'm going to sign off now. Maybe tomorrow I'll give some thought to that unconditional love thing when they are so surly you want to drop kick your teenager into tomorrow. It happens to the best of us.

Kathy