One of my Favorite Quotes

The below post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:


"Making a decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Parenting Can be Harrowing

Let me start with an apology. I'm sorry that it's been so long since my last posting. I've been thinking it's been a few weeks but it's really over two months! I last posted on my daughter's 17th birthday and we've since had Thanksgiving and Christmas. If I don't post in the next couple of days we'll have New Years as well. Thanks to my friends out there who have encouraged me to pick up the pace a bit. I'll give it a better effort, I promise!

So, what new insight on parenting do I have to offer? Only this....it can be harrowing. I guess that's not new but it was brought home to me this holiday season. The event I'm specifically referring to occurred on the day and evening of Friday, December 12th. This was a day we were looking forward to as it was my daughter's Christmas Choir program. She is a senior and she had a solo at her last Christmas program. We had invited family and friends to enjoy the program with us. Friday morning I received a phone call from one of our sons in college in Abilene (a 7 hour drive away). Feeling unwell he was on his way to the hospital to be checked out. The clinic doctor thought it could be appendicitis or kidney stones. We started praying.

The crisis point in this story comes when our daughter, in Sugar Land, is singing her solo at the same moment our son, in Abilene, is having his appendix removed. During that moment I could only grip my husband's hand and pray. I feel choked up just remembering and writing about how helpless and frightened and proud I felt at that moment. We applauded and loved on our daughter then hopped in our car and drove to Abilene to be with our son who had kidney stones AND an appendectomy.

Parenting is often said to be the most difficult thing you will ever do. Some of the difficulty lies in the loss of control and helplessness you feel when they are ill. To be so far away when my child needed me was excruciating. Another part of the difficulty is the ways in which parents are pulled in many directions. As Bilbo Baggins said, "like butter spread over too much toast". Our daughter needed us to enjoy and celebrate her accomplishments as much as our son needed our strength and support during his surgery. Making those choices is agonizing. What on earth is a parent to do?

I'm reminded of the credit card commercials that make such use of the word "priceless" for that is what it is to turn these things over to God. "Priceless" is the feeling of knowing that I didn't need to be with my son for God was surely with him. I would get to him as soon as I could but God was always with him. The wonder of it is God was with me too. As much as I wanted to sob out my fears, God's peace held me together.

My daughter sang beautifully (you can see her performance on YouTube....search on "Leah Raye"), we had an uneventful trip to Abilene and my son recovered nicely. All's well that ends well, I suppose, but never let anyone tell you it's easy on the way. The only way to survive is God. His constant presence and loving care are truly "priceless".

Kathy

Can You Spell "Surly"?

As promised, I gave some thought to those dreadful years when my kids were in Middle School. I've spoken with other parents and it seems that most kids go through this terrible transformation. I'm quite convinced that parents who deny their children did this are either lying or deluded. Ours happened to hit during Middle School - either 7th or 8th grade. One minute the child is happy and talkative, content with life. The next minute they are sullen and morose; mostly silent but surly when speaking and then in monosyllabic grunts. Honestly, I've tried to scrub those memories from my brain, they were so painful.

So, what's a parent to do? First, realize that there are developmental, physical, and psychological reasons why kids do this....and it isn't to torture parents. Consider what your average teenager is dealing with - rapidly changing bodies, hormones that rage, and intense efforts to separate from parents they desperately need. It's enough to drive anyone mad! Then add to this the intense feeling that you are being scrutinized and judged by everyone you come into contact with. Scrutinized, judged, and constantly falling short of the mark. Under these conditions is it possible that surliness is defensive rather than offensive? Perhaps it is a protective fence for their vulnerability and autonomy. If so, we shouldn't try to break down that fence but rather we should find a gate to walk through.

For me it came in two distinct and purposeful decisions. First, I was going to love that kid no matter what and he was going to know it! I let him know that I was there and ready to listen. I let him know that I prayed for him. I let him know that I loved him in whatever way he would let me. Second, he and I were going to talk about something, maybe only one thing, every day. Many, many days we simply discussed what he had for lunch. These were boring conversations because he ate the same thing for lunch every day ("hot pocket and a coke" yummy!) but we had them. I would ask, he would answer and I would listen and simply be present. I didn't demand more but he knew I was ready for whatever he wanted to share and slowly more was shared.

While my daughter seemed to have missed this phase, all three of my boys went through this in varying degrees. Prayer, perseverance, and patience got me through some tough times with my children and the rewards have been legion. I'm reminded of the phrase from the movie "Galaxy Quest" - "never give up, never surrender!" Sometimes that is absolutely the best parenting advice ever!

Kathy

Teenagers that Talk!

My daughter made a very good choice last weekend. She decided not to attend a party with her friends because she knew that they would be drinking alcohol. She went to dinner with them and attended the Homecoming dance with them but decided to skip the "after party" because of the aforementioned activity. I was immensely proud of her for taking this stand and making this choice. I know about all of this because she told me about it.

This kind of communication is not unusual to me because, as I've said before, I have kids that communicate. However, I was telling a friend about this and she wondered what we did to get our teens to talk to us. I had to think about that one. I didn't really know. So, I asked my daughter. Her answer was interesting to me and maybe helpful to others.

First, she said, I know that you will keep my confidences. She clarified that that doesn't mean I'll never tell what she tells me. She knows that I teach classes and write about parenting and sometimes use my personal experiences with my own children. She also knows that some things must be told. Abuse, destructive behavior and such must be reported; sometimes to authorities and sometimes to other parents. These are things she understands. What she meant was this - I don't betray her. When possible I keep to myself the things she would have me keep to myself. I'm very careful about what I tell and who I tell it to. She trusts me.

Second, and more importantly, she said that she and her brothers had discussed this very point. They decided that the main reason they talk to us is because they know we love them and nothing could ever change that fact. She spoke of a non-judgmental atmosphere and an environment of acceptance, not for only them but of their friends as well. She felt that we liked them as well as loved them and "who wouldn't talk to that kind of parent?"

Who indeed?

I have a houseful of teenagers downstairs that need my attention so I'm going to sign off now. Maybe tomorrow I'll give some thought to that unconditional love thing when they are so surly you want to drop kick your teenager into tomorrow. It happens to the best of us.

Kathy

Grateful Children

I went to a fundraiser Tuesday night for a wonderful charity called Faith in Practice. This awesome group of people travel to Guatemala providing medical and surgical care for the indigent. Faith in Practice is the second largest health care provider in Guatemala, the government is number one. I've been on 13 trips, working in the Recovery Room with babies who have had cleft lip or cleft palate repair. In my past career I was a nurse and this is how I keep in touch with that part of myself.

As I sat watching the entertainment and eating a sumptuous meal I began to think of all the people in Guatemala going to bed hungry or hurting. A slide show of patients and their families rolled and I was struck by a strong sense of how privileged we are in this country. My children need health care and I simply pick up the phone. My children are hungry and I open the refrigerator door. I have a strong sense of appreciation and gratefulness for the blessings in my life. My question is, do my children have that sense? Do they know, truly understand, how privileged they are?

I have struggled with this for some time. When my children were small they were very egocentric. This is the way children are created. It's normal for them to think of only themselves but they can't maintain that attitude and be productive or happy. How do we move them from egocentricism to altruism or selflessness?

Those of you who know me will know what I am going to say here because I say it often....you model it! Your children are watching you and need to see you exhibit selflessness. When you pray for others, take food to the sick, and otherwise share from your abundance you are setting an example for your children that is priceless. When your children witness you recycling they learn that the environment is important. When they see you care for your parents they learn that caring for the elderly has value. Any time they witness you think beyond yourself or your needs they are learning to do the same.

We don't want our kids to feel guilty for their blessings but we want them to be grateful to God from whom all those blessings flow. And, we want them to share those blessings with others. Talking about selflessness and what we can do for others, modelling altruistic actions and attitudes, and authentically caring for others will help our children be the generous, great-hearted people we would like for them to be.

Kathy

Kids Will be Kids

I had an interesting experience tonight that reminds me that kids will definitely be kids. I had a small group of children at the church and we were watching a movie. There is a platform at one end of the room that is very tempting for the children to play around. I expended some energy telling them all to stay off of the platform but one precious little boy just could not resist. I reminded him several times to get off the platform and at one point called him over to me so I could get very close to his face, look him deeply in the eyes and sternly tell him not to get on the platform. The conversation went something like this:

"Please stay off the platform"
"okay"
"Don't even touch the platform"
"okay"

He promptly walked over to the platform and put his hand on it as he sat down. I was watching. I called his name and he came back over. The next conversation went something like this:

"What did Ms. Kathy just say?"
"Don't touch the platform"
"What did you just do?"
"I touched the platform"

Dude! I was at a loss for words for a second there. I had him sit in a chair next to me and he was perfect for the remainder of the evening. I was a bit baffled as to why he left me and did exactly what I told him not to do but then it occurred to me that we were engaged in the age old struggle of adults and children. This, after all, is not new under the sun.

This sweet boy was checking out the boundaries. Children don't always understand or agree with your instructions. They will disobey to see if the boundaries are firm and if you are going to enforce them. These thoughts led me to several observations about this struggle.

First, you should not etch out a boundary you are unwilling to enforce. When you give your child instructions and then don't follow up to see that you have been obeyed you teach them to disobey you. It's as simple as that. They can be taught, by you, that your words are not important.

Second, everything can't be boundary-ized. I know that's not a word but I don't know how else to say it. You don't need to make everything about obedience. There are perfectly good times to have some freedom from boundaries.

Third, it is developmentally appropriate for this child to do just what he did. It is his job to figure out the limits of what he can do. It is my job to watch carefully and lovingly help him see that he must obey. We both did our jobs well!

Kathy

Communication

Adam is 22 years old. My first born son and a communicator by nature; he and I have been having some very interesting and thought provoking discussions about the upcoming election. It's not his first time to vote but it is the first time he has been so passionate about candidates and issues. His opinions are interesting to me as they are well informed and also because they are his. I'm not sure why my opinions are of interest to him but they are and I'm glad.

I find myself wondering how we came to this delightful turn of events. For one thing, he was always communicative. He got that from his father who was never one to simply reply "fine" to my questions regarding his day. But communicative children can be silenced by the indifference of the adults in their lives.

It occurs to me that we have always talked and while the discussion now are stimulating they haven't always been. There was a time when we spoke of Pokemon and video games. I distinctly remember a discussion about who had greater powers - Superman or Batman - and the fairness of that discussion since Superman was really an alien. It was during these times my young son learned that I cared about what he had to say. His opinion mattered. It wasn't always easy. Often there was real work to be done...dinner to cook, bathrooms to clean or other chores waiting. And, after all, who really cares about the fate of Cid? Except my son did and therefore, so did I. If Final Fantasy is what he wanted to talk about (and we DID talk about it) then I was up to the challenge.

So, the next time your little one wants to talk about Barbie, Sponge Bob, Dora or Spider Man cop a squat and enjoy. Look to the future when they are grown and conversations with you are their choice. The listening you do now will help them know that you care about what they think and that will keep them coming back for more.

Kathy

Where is God?

It occurs to me that we spend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to get our children to see that God is everywhere and He cares for us. You know those "teachable moments" we all look for? Well, they exist so we can talk to our children about our big God who cares for us and takes care of us.

So, what about the hurricane? I don't know about you but our roof blew off. Not all of it but enough to make a huge mess in our house that we have to deal with and pay for (blame the huge deductible). We went without power for a week and the food in our fridge was spoiled. The storm made a mess and when I look at the news coverage I think we made off pretty well. Many people are effectively homeless because of Ike. So, where is God in all of this? Where is His loving care now?

We grownups know that God is still here. Hurricanes aren't His doing or His plan. They are a force of nature that is capricious and unpredictable. They can make one family homeless while leaving another with nothing more than spoiled food. We grownups understand that God's love and care is still ours. We know He is faithful. We know that these difficult times will fade but God's love and care never do.

It's possible that your children don't know these things.

Now would be a good time to tell them.

Kathy

Hurricanes can slow you down and speed you up

Interesting, isn't it, how something can slow you down and speed you up at the same time? Like most of the Houston area we were affected by Hurricane Ike. A good bit of our roof flew off and we had some water damage. Let me tell you, it's pretty startling to look up at your roof and see plywood. It's just as amazing to realize that your yard is littered with the shingles that used to cover that plywood. Fortunately for us, the damage done to our house was in rooms where no one lives during the school year. Sorry college boys, you'll have to stay where you are for a while till we get the mess cleaned up.

So the slowing down part....we spent a week without power. That means flashlights at night, no tv and a refrigerator full of food slowly going bad. After 4 days I finally quit turning on the light every time I went in my closet but I never quit looking at the oven to check the time. For seven days, every time I walked through my kitchen I looked at the oven expecting to see the time. I didn't realize I was so obsessed with the time of day. We watched some movies on my daughters portable DVD player, we played cards and monopoly, we napped....a lot. There was a sense of languidness about the days.

Which isn't to say we weren't busy and that is the "speed you up" part. For me, Hurricane Ike was a procrastination buster. I am a procrastinator, I admit it. I don't really get moved to action until there is some stressor in place. For several weeks I have been putting off cleaning up the boys rooms (organizing, putting away, yeah, they are not the cleanest of people....wonder where they get that from?) and cleaning out my fridge (maybe that's where they get it from). Also, their bathroom needed some serious attention. These things had been way down on my list of things to do...or the "Procrastination List" as we affectionately call it. Ike got me moving on all of those things. The boys rooms are now completely empty and the carpet is out. One could eat off of their bathroom floor and the refrigerator is looking new again. Things I may never have accomplished are well on their way due to Ike.

My brother says, "Fortune never comes with both hands full" and I can't decide how that really applies here but it seems to fit. My sister said, "So your carpet got wet and will have to be replaced? That's not a bad thing...I've seen your carpet." That fits too.

Kathy

Time really does fly

It's been four days since my last post but it seems like 20 minutes. Time really does fly whether or not you are having fun. It is that notion I wish to address.

I remember with vivid clarity each of the days my children were born. There are four of them and they were born a while back so it is amazing to me that those days are burned in my memory. I have an especially clear memory of driving to the hospital to deliver Adam and thinking, "oh my, I've waited too late" as an especially painful contraction gripped me. I remember that my water broke with Taylor and Leah. His as I sat on the toilet in the middle of the night and hers as I sat on the bed after getting up for the toilet in the middle of the night. Ryan's was an especially frightening delivery due to a prolapsed cord and a heartbeat that briefly disappeared.

What does any of this have to do with time flying? Well, I'll tell you. Time slows and, in fact, seems to stand perfectly still when momentous events are happening. There is often clarity of memory and emotion as these events occur that stick with you for a lifetime. The rest is mundane and forgettable. Barely causing a blip in the synapses of our brains before our brains move on to the next forgettable event.

I wish that I had paid more attention to the mundane. I wish that I had considered more events in my life "momentous" for in reality life is made of small moments that are precious. Babies become small children and then become young adults so fast it will make your head spin. Three of my children are now in college and live away from my home. I'm trying very hard to enjoy each moment with the child I have left but soon she too will be gone from me. It is the natural progression of parenting and anything less than that is a sadness. Nonetheless, I would like for time to slow down a bit. I don't want to look at the calendar and realize many days have passed and so have opportunities to enjoy those days.

So, since time flies I wish for an awareness of how precious is the time I have and a chance to fully enjoy all the blessings God has given. For that, it is never too late.

Kathy

Whiners

Did you ever see the movie "The Kid" with Bruce Willis? In the movie, Bruce Willis uses a phrase when people cry or whine that strikes me as humorous. He says "Wah, wah, let me call you a wambulance." You have to say this in a whiny voice and imaging Bruce saying it. Okay, maybe it's not that funny but it makes me smile.

These are things parents think about. How to make my kid stop that infernal whining. I saw a child today have an entire conversation with her mother, all in "whine". The mother kept talking to her like it was an okay thing that her daughter was speaking in that high pitched, sing-song complaining voice. Mom kept trying to reason with her and daughter kept whining. It was amazing to see (and hear).

What's a parent to do? My sister likes to politely say, "Oh, how sad, but I don't understand whine". This is pretty effective for her. The point is that you must do something to change the behavior. Taking action on or even listening to the whining encourages this behavior. So, if you like to hear whining, then keep on listening. If you would like to stop the behavior, you must take proactive steps such as not listening (and telling your child you are not listening) and rewarding non-whining by listening and responding positively.

Take note, if you don't take steps to stop the whining when they are young, you will soon be living with a whiny teenager. Who'll need a "wambulance" then?
Kathy

Brief thought

It's Sunday and posts will be brief due to the workload Sunday brings. I have only one thing to say based on observations at church this morning and it is this - the majority of childish misbehavior occurs because parents do not pay attention.

You must be watching to catch them in the act of misbehaving. Then you must address the misbehavior and demand better behavior. The fat lady hasn't actually sung until you can positively identify good behavior as a result of your intervention. If you don't continue to pay attention to see that good behavior follows, then you are simply training them to ignore you. You do that at your peril, for you cannot afford to be ignored when they are teenagers.

Trust me on that one.

Kathy

Movie for Kids?

What exactly does PG-13 mean and does it really mean anything to most parents? We went to see The Dark Knight tonight and there were several small children in the theatre. It really isn't a movie small children should see. It is dark (well, duh!), exceedingly violent and intense. People die in gruesome ways. Small children are put in great peril. Good guys become corrupt or appear corrupt. I was at turns frightened and confused. Imagine how a child under the age of about 13 might feel.

Young children with developing brains are unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. To a four year old, Batman is as real as Cinderella who is as real as the President of the United States. They are not abstract thinkers and are unable to use concepts so as to make and understand generalizations (such as anything I see on a movie screen isn't real). In other words, youngsters don't see violence and know that a filmmaker paid actors to act. They see a woman being blown up and they believe a woman was blown up. These are images a small child is unable to adequately understand.

If you have an older child this might be a good movie to watch and discuss with them. Concepts such as good vs. evil; the appearance of evil vs. the substance of evil; doing the right thing even though it is the hard thing; self-sacrifice; and with the price of gasoline these days how on earth did the Joker manage to gather hundreds of barrels of diesel fuel to blow up all the stuff he blew up. Obviously, another topic of conversation with older children is the sad and wasteful death of Heath Ledger who played the Joker. Honestly, you can never have too many conversations about the dangers of mixing drugs and alcohol.

It is the job of a parent to protect their child and not enough people do that. There are some good websites out there for parents to check out movies before they take their children. I like www.kids-in-mind.com or www.parentpreviews.com Both of these sites are unemotional and straightforward in their approach without too many spoilers to get in the way.

So, did we like the movie? There were several plot holes that bugged but Heath Ledger was amazing (spotlighting his sad, sad death). I was upset a major character died, happy he didn't and upset again when another major character really did die. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine were perfect. All in all I guess I would say that I did like the movie but I would have liked it better if I hadn't been distracted by wondering how the children in the theatre were faring.

Kathy

Beginnings

People tell me I should blog.....my first thought is "don't should on me" but they are probably right. Blogging is a way to share. Share your thoughts, share some dreams and really share a bit of yourself.

What do I have to share? Well, mostly some thoughts on how to raise children and not lose your mind. Having given birth to four children in 6 years, raised them through the horrendous middle school years, and sent three off to college I think I'm still sane (but most insane people think they're sane, so I'm not really certain of that).

There is no doubt that raising children is the single most difficult and rewarding thing you will ever do. Getting pregnant was hard for us but giving birth was easy. Potty training was hard but teaching them to drive was easy. It is a collosal understatement to say that sending them to college is hard but it's just as much an understatement to say that loving them is easy. There are few people in this world I would truly die for but my four kids are on that list. They are at the same time my biggest treasure, my largest source of pride and my greatest source of worry.

So, this blog will be about raising them. My experiences don't always translate to yours but maybe some of my musings will help you as your walk along the road with your children.
Kathy