My Shameful Confession

I'm going to confess a shameful secret here.  Don't judge me.  Please.  I have to give a little background first so maybe you won't be so harsh in your judgement (because you will judge, that is the way of people everywhere).

I began to try to get pregnant in the Spring of 1980.  My mom had no problem so I assumed I would have no problem.....that was a false assumption.  Five years of tests, pills, surgeries, and sex every other night (whether you were in the mood or not) followed until we finally got pregnant.  I became pregnant in May of 1985 and Adam was born in February of 1986.  I won't bore you with the gritty details of what followed but I will say that I had three more babies by October of 1991.  When Leah was born, Adam was 5 years and 8 months, Ryan was 3 years and 8 months, Taylor was 2 years and 5 months.  In the middle of all of that I had 2 miscarriages and I nursed all of them (Leah for 13 months as she wouldn't put anything synthetic in her mouth....she has always been my pickiest eater)
It should be sufficient to say that these were exhausting years that stretched me to the utter limits of my patience, strength, and perseverance.  As my children grew I developed a rich and wondrous fantasy life.....thus my shameful secret.

I used to drive past apartment complexes and wish I lived there.  Alone.  Just me.  In a little tiny apartment.  Maybe a table to eat at with a few dishes for cooking.  I'd only have to buy quarts of milk instead of a gallon a day.  A loaf of bread would last me a month.  I could watch whatever I wanted on TV and, even better, I could go to the bathroom in peace.  No one would need me to wipe their bottom, blow their nose, clean up their messes, or mediate their fights.  No one would expect me to know where the Blue Power Ranger was or use my tampons as weapons of mass destruction in their war games with their brothers.  There would be no peeing on the floor around the toilet or unending loads of laundry.  There would only be me....my stuff....what I want.

Now, you may be thinking my next sentences are going to be about the wonders of sweet children who you love and who love you so much....precious hugs and butterfly kisses.....the wonder of sleeping angels and belly laughing munchkins.  You would be wrong.

Here is what I want to say.....hang in there.  This too shall pass.  Time will march on and the days when you are their sole source of entertainment, discipline and caretaking will pass.  They will grow up.  If you have done your job well they will be independent and productive people.  They will leave you and this is a bittersweet thing.  Sweet because you will get your life back.....bitter because you will remember those days when they needed you so much and be very, very glad you didn't actually have that little apartment. 

It's tough when you are in the trenches raising children.  Remember that this will pass, you are not alone, and apartment rent is much higher than you think.