"As long as we both shall love".....WHAT?!?!?

I saw a wedding on The Today Show a couple of weeks ago (yes, they got married on morning TV but that's a whole other post) and heard the officiate say something that made my head snap up, my mouth drop open and my sensibilities curdle.  She had them promise to be together "as long as you both shall love". 

As long as you both shall love?  Let me tell you something.....you won't always feel that "love" that you feel on the day you get married.  First of all, that's not as good as "love" can be....it's not the deeply committed, fight for it, do anything to keep it love that you will feel after you've experienced many years together.  On the day you get married you "love" one another in the way people do when they are new to love and have fewer life experiences.  It's "love", don't misunderstand me, but it's not what it will be if you hang in there and work at it. 

On the day you get married it feels as though all of life, in it's wonderful glory, is ahead of you.  Possibilities seem endless and obstacles easily overcome.  This is normal and good or else no one would ever get married.  No one, on their wedding day, foresees job loss, sick children, cancer and disease or any other myriad things life can throw your way simply because we live in a fallen world.  And that is the outside stuff!  What about the fallen-ness within?  The pride, poor self esteem, control issues, and lack of self discipline that plague many relationships?  There are lots of reasons and circumstances that cause people to "fall out of love" and then what?  You walk away?  We no longer feel that love so we no longer have to be married?  To quote Weezer, "say it ain't so!"

Marriage takes commitment.....Herculean commitment.  You've married an imperfect person.  And, newsflash, you are also imperfect.  One of my favorite lines in the Broadway play Rent is when two characters are singing about getting together (they have AIDS).  One sings, "I have baggage" and the other replies, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine".  I think that's pretty profound.  Acknowledge that we all have baggage.....stuff with which we struggle.  Don't just look at him or her and be irritated about their baggage.  Look to your own baggage as well.  Trust me, it's just as irritating.  Chances are your spouse is putting up with as much as you are. 

One piece of advice I give my kids regarding their own relationships is this....assume there is love between you.  When you look at, listen to, or talk to your spouse you should assume there is love flowing.  Lots will happen in your life that can threaten that flow of love.  There will be times when you can't really feel it or see it but you should assume it's always there.  Love is a choice.  It's really as simple as that in my opinion.  Two imperfect people who live in an imperfect world choose to love one another day after day after day....minute by minute by minute.....come what may.....no matter what.  Trust, respect, forgiveness, mercy, grace.....all must flow freely back and forth between you.  This takes effort but, once again, sooooo worth it! 

Jeff and I have been married 36 years.  We have four kids less than 6 years apart.  We've experienced loss of jobs, a houseful of small children, two miscarriages, broken down cars and flooding houses, a hurricane, jobs that overwhelm us and sometimes keep us apart with travels.  Our marriage is a good one as our baggage is well matched.  His weaknesses are my strengths and my weaknesses are his strengths.  We've found a way to be together that makes us both better people.  A life without him is unimaginable.  Our son recently wrote, "my parents have a strong and enviable marriage".  We do and it all takes effort, good effort, but effort nonetheless.  Strong and enviable marriages do not occur by happenstance.

"As long as you both shall love"......I guess that's okay if you continue to make love an intentional priority in your relationship.  I actually prefer "as long as we both shall live" because I intend to love as long as I live. 

The Hazard of Hyperconnectivity

I feel sorry for kids today trying to develop relationships with all the technology available.  Just think, you are able to know where someone is at all times via the Find Friends app; you can communicate constantly and instantly with anyone on your Contact List; and you have intimate knowledge of your "friends" deepest thoughts about politics, sports, food and so much more via FaceBook.  I'm not sure any of this is a good thing.  It seems that maybe we've lost the ability to have face-to-face meaningful conversations.

 

Now, before you go all "she's-too-old-and-doesn't-get-it" on me let me direct your attention to a piece of an essay written by my oldest child.  Adam is 27 years old and this is only part of what he has to add to this discussion:

 

It is perhaps the most sinister aspect of what feels like a uniquely technology- and post-9/11-informed brand of alienation to someone of my personality profile that two of its most debilitating manifestations – a general lack of focus (traditionally blamed on ADHD or ADD or Starbucks or whatever the latest study picked up by USA Today reports) and a weakened ability to express oneself eloquently and meaningfully due to the reduction in time and effort required to produce a message and the gradual shortening of the message length itself – have so effectively prevented me from elaborating on its causes, its markers, its miseries, and its possible solutions for so long. Rather than confront and develop a strategy for dealing with a phenomenon that I believe has adversely affected every last one of my relationships – romantic or otherwise – since early high school, I have spent over ten years struggling, suffering, and occasionally acting out jealously, angrily, and irrationally due to breakdowns in technological communication, communication otherwise affected by a critical reliance on technology, or the existence of virtual “other lives” we all must now maintain and keep separate and selectively private if we wish to be kept in the ambiguous loop of various goings-on.
 

Paradoxically, another part of what has made confronting the phenomenon so difficult has been our insistence that supposedly meaningful communication via the various media in question is not something to be taken seriously. I hold that it is and almost always has been: “Facebook is no place to get political;” “I don’t want to hear about your latest text message fight;” “I’m tired of reading blog posts about arguments on Twitter;” all of the above are the dismissive mantras of a people in denial that their most raw, emotional, and meaningful exchanges no longer take place chiefly in person, where body language, eye movements, hand gestures, accents, and tone of voice contribute to better and more humanized understandings of messages and viewpoints, but rather safely behind a hazy screen of "anonymity" through which messages are rendered into a series of digital dots and beamed down to our little devices and computer screens for us to make sense of with all of our (or all of my) attendant neuroses and hangups about the minutiae of human communication.
 

Since my mid-teens, I have spent countless nights staring at my ceiling waiting for a text. I have spent more tense moments than I care to remember sitting nervously across the table from a girl, wondering to whom she is sending a message, and whether it is okay to ask (I have learned the hard way that it is not). I have had to repeat myself thousands of times, and others have had to repeat themselves for me. I have wondered nervously about what this or that text means. I have wondered why a period and not an exclamation point. I have wondered why one exclamation point and not two. I have wondered why no emoticon, or why not a more emotive one. I have missed sunsets, unforgettable scenery, faces of passersby, oncoming cars, beautiful songs, and hilarious jokes. I have screamed and cried. I have been tempted to pry where my eyes do not belong, and I have succumbed to such temptations. I have been at the end of my rope, I have cursed the age in which I was born, and I have begged and pleaded to be taken back to an earlier time. Never, I realize, has the anxiety paradoxically plaguing and propelling my existence had a more tangible face than the one that stares up at me blankly from my lap in a dark movie theater or begs me to check it while I write this essay.

 

Trust me, he is not alone.  Many young people suffer with this phenomenon or suffer from it and are unaware of how hyperconnectivity affects their relationships.  So, what's a person to do?  This oldster has a few ideas:

 

1.  Use FaceBook as a way to inform people about the common happenings of your life.  That means pictures your family might be interested in or updates for those who live far away and want to know how you're doing.  No politics, no angst, no over-sharing.  Please.

 

2.  Never, ever, ever have an important conversation over Text Message, FaceBook, or even E-Mail.  Important conversations should be face-to-face if at all possible.  That is all.

 

3.  When you are with people who matter to you put your phone away.  Turn your phone off if the temptation to look at it is too great but at a minimum put it away.  The message you receive, the game you play, the update you are looking at cannot possibly be more important than the actual people you are with.  You are saying something when you have your face in your mobile device during a conversation.  Be aware of the messages you are sending to the people actually in your presence.

 

4.  Write a letter.  Yeah, I said "Write a letter".  This is quickly becoming a lost art.  The summer before my daughter got engaged she and her future fiancé worked in separate states and he did not have Internet access.  Their only way to communicate was one phone call a week (when he came out of the mountains and had cell phone service) and the letters they wrote to one another.   Can you imagine what you might say in a letter to someone  you love if that were the only way to communicate?  I bet you can't imagine it but give it a try and write it down in a letter.  Seal it with a kiss.

So, the big walk away point of this blog?  When it comes to relationships, technology has it's place (what on earth did we do to find one another in the mall before we had cell phones?) but nothing can replace a face-to-face, eyeball-to-eyeball conversation with someone you care about sans distractions.  Don't use technology to stalk, bully or be fake.  Keep it in its place.....it's a tool so don't be one. 



 

Pithy and Personal

Found this pithy cartoon in my photo album.  Just wondered where Jesus is dragging me on this rainy day.  You?

Marriage 101.....or the advice you didn't ask for

This post will fall under the category of "Marital Advice".  My motivation is several conversations I've had in the past week with couples working hard to keep their marital ship afloat.  I've been married for 36 years and while it's not a perfect marriage (because no one has a perfect marriage) it's a pretty nice arrangement.  We have mutual love and respect for one another, we have fun together, and we enjoy one another in various ways (can you just hear my children saying, "ewwww"?).  I tell you this so as to improve my credibility with you, the doubting reader.  I've been at this marriage thing a while and thought I would share some advice.  If you're not into advice stop reading now.

I see people (including myself) do three things that are communication blockers.  One, and in my opinion the worst, is expecting your partner to read your mind.  You may be thinking, "I don't do that!" but I bet you do because it's human nature.  If you've ever thought, "If he really loved me he'd fill in the blank", you've expected him to read  your mind.  If you've ever wanted an apology from someone who has no idea they have wronged you, you've expected that person to read your mind.  If you've told someone you are hurt and their apology isn't what you expected so you hold onto your hurt, you've expected an ESP experience.  It happens.  Own it.   I used to think that if I have to ask for the apology (i.e.  "I'll feel better about this wrong you have perpetrated upon me if you'll just say you are sorry") it isn't worth as much as an apology that comes from his heart because he feels the wrong he has done me and spontaneously bursts into apology.  As one of my favorite fictional characters is fond of saying, "Bollocks to that!".  An apology is an apology and should be accepted.  Grace should be extended and we should all move on.  I know....easier said than done but it is easier done when it is done often. 

The second communication blocker may not seem like a blocker because there is a ton of talking but the problem is there isn't much listening going on.  You are communicating your little heart out about something and he or she doesn't seem to agree.  You don't feel heard.  So you say what's on your mind again and you get more of the same back.  People are talking but no one is listening.  When my husband and I have a disagreement I often find, when I stop and really listen to him, that we are often arguing about the same thing!  Maybe from different viewpoints or with different motivations (which can make you feel at odds) but we are basically in agreement.   It can be very difficult to stop trying to make your point so that you can really listen to what the other person is trying to tell you.  Ask clarifying questions or restate their point to be sure you've truly understood.  Listen more than you talk is a good rule of thumb.

The third communication blocker is that fearful little voice that creeps into your head telling you that the current moment of anger or resentment is due to lack of love.  Shut that down immediately in a take-no-prisoners fashion.  I have found that reminding myself that there is love between us helps me to reposition my thinking and be more open and honest as well as listen better.  The Beatles said "All You Need is Love" and while that's not strictly true it has some merit in this discussion. 

Let me close by saying that not every disagreement is due to the above blockers but I have found that 99% of the "energetic discussions" we have are settled in one of these manners.  Either I tell him what my heart needs (an apology or a hug or simple reassurance) or I really listen and try to understand his POV which leads me to realize that we don't actually disagree.  Most important of all, I assume that there is love between  us.  No matter what our discussions, differences or doofus behaviors, there is love and that really does conquer all. 

Back on My Soapbox

Let me apologize in advance for climbing back up on my soapbox (well, one of them....I have several) but I heard something on The Today Show this morning that fairly made my blood boil.  The discussion was about the most current definition of thin....."thigh gap".  This may be self evident but let me explain anyway (because it increases my burn).  Thigh gap is the space between your thighs when you stand with your legs together.  You may be thinking, "what gap?" and if you are, welcome to the majority. 

 

The Today Show had a segment with Robyn Lawley, plus size model @ 6 foot 2 inches and 180 pounds, a very beautiful woman of nice proportions.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was "plus size" about her.  Anyway, she was talking about the deplorable "thigh gap" and how harmful it is to young women (or all women).  This has apparently hit the social media circuit and she has made the news speaking out against "thigh gap".  You may be wondering what about this made me mad....it wasn't what Robin Lawley said.  I agree completely with what she said.  I am incensed by what Carson Daley asked Ms Lawley.

 

Carson Daly noted that Ms Lawley was a plus size model and wondered about her transition from "Standard Model" to "Plus Size Model".  I understand his nomenclature, really I do.  I understand that he wanted to let her talk about how she went from an unnatural, waifishly thin, skinny model to a normal sized person model.  BUT, to call what we see as models today as "Standard" and not acknowledge the unreality of that body type is to make what we see in fashion magazines the norm....and it most definitely is not!  An anorexic, starving woman is not the norm or that which I want my daughter to aspire.

 

What we see in the media as "normal" is beyond reality for all normal people.  According to ABC news sources, most runway models meet the body mass criteria for anorexia.  The average American woman is a size 12 while the average runway model is a size 0.  Plus size models start at size 6!!  How completely out of whack is that??  I'll tell you....VERY!  (okay, now I'm really wound up)

 

What kind of society puts value on the size of a person?  Sure, let's all be healthy but let's be real.  And, let's not assume that there is value (or lack thereof) in size.  Let's help our daughters know that they are worth far more than their dress size.  Let's stop making women objects that are judged by the size of clothes they wear.  Let's try to live in a place where "standard" is really standard.   Let's value people for the wonderful creation that they are as God's children.  

 

Okay, stepping off the soapbox now but it's still there for the next time I need it. 

Ronan Farrow is a Classy Guy

So most Hollywood kids seem to be pretty messed up but I've been reading about one that has me impressed.  Ronan Farrow is the son of Mia Farrow and, legally, Woody Allen.  Mia Farrow has come out to say that she "never really split up" with Frank Sinatra sparking rumors that Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra's son. 

Now, I'm only interested because Woody Allen looks like this:

And Frank Sinatra looks like this:

 

Seriously, who would you want to share DNA with?  I ask you!  But Ronan Farrow has been nothing but classy about this.  Ronan is a 25 year old lawyer and human rights activist who looks remarkably like Frank Sinatra but he is taking it all very lightly.  He's more interested in talking about his new MSNBC show than his paternity.  In fact, the quote that impressed me the most involved his mother's propensity to adopt multi-culturally (something she did years before Angelina Jolie thought of it).  Ronan is quoted as saying, "Look, I grew up in a family with 10 adopted siblings, so you know, if anything, I consider it an insult to them to obsess too much over the question of genetic provenance"

I'll say it again.....classy guy.

Parents Crossing the Line

When we first began to have children we took pictures....selectively.  Picture taking was an expensive proposition back in 1986.  You had to pay for the film and the developing.  If you had a bad picture that was your bad luck (or poor photography skills).  Many of the pictures I took back then are now faded and most of them are bad (okay, yes, I have poor photography skills....those skills all went to my sister) 

 

In 1995 or 1996 you could begin buying digital cameras which allowed one to take a picture, immediately look at it and delete it if it was bad.  Then, everyone got phones that could take pictures so there were even more pictures.  Now, we have phones that are really mini-computers that allow us to take a picture and instantly share it with our "friends" around the world via social media.  There are lots of really nice things about this arrangement.  I want to talk about one of the really bad things.

Not every picture we take should be taken and certainly not every picture we take should be shared.  In my work as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for foster kids, I went to a seminar for continuing education.  One part of that seminar was spent listening to two men from the District Attorneys office discuss Internet safety.  The quote that stuck out for me?  "Always assume that bad people are looking when you post anything to social media".  Facebook, MySpace, Pinterest, Twitter, Blogs, YouTube, Reddit, Snapchat....all of it (and maybe you've never heard of some of those) is dangerous.  Your selfie of you and your bestie can be sent around the world in seconds and seen by millions.  AND, once it's out there you can never, ever, ever get it back.  It's public.....for reals!

This leads me (finally) to the point of this blog.  Why would anyone put out an embarrassing picture of their kid?  You've seen it, I know you have....the kid half naked, the kid with a goofy face, the kid in a funny outfit, the kid doing something embarrassing, etc.  Sometimes people just aren't thinking about who's out there looking.  When you live a clean life and don't hang out with perverts you don't consider that the naked picture of your kid may be some person's ugly fantasy.  And, yes, I understand that any picture is fodder for someone ugly fantasy so you could overreact and never put a picture of your child on the 'net but then you would deprive Grandma of her joy. 

Just be cautious.  That's all I'm saying.  Be careful.  Look at the picture or video and ask yourself two important questions.  One, is this picture/video clean and wholesome for public consumption?  And, two, will my child hate me for posting this when he or she is 14?  If you can answer "yep" to the first and "nope" to the second then post away.  I'll probably "like" it and maybe comment. 

Parent overshare can be somewhat of an issue on Facebook (for more information on this phenom go to the blog "STFU, Parents"....google it, it's hilarious, but I'm warning you right now that the language is bad on the website....funny stuff/bad language).  All I'm asking is that you consider what you're sharing and don't share what shouldn't be shared.  Thanks for your attention.  If you'll excuse me I must get back to posting even more pictures of my daughters wedding.......

Some Things I Learned at My Daughter's Wedding

Well, she did it.  She went and got married.  She said she was going to do it.  We prepped and planned and paid (the three P's of a wedding).  On June 1st at 7:30 pm she and her dad walked down the aisle.  She married that boy she'd been bringing around and it was beautiful.  They were beautiful.  And, I learned some very important things.

 

First, I learned that it really didn't matter how prepared we were (or weren't), the time rolled around and she was walking down that aisle.  You do all you can to make it nice or elegant or good or whatever your criteria is but sooner or later you've done all you can do and it's happening.  There's a life lesson there if we pay attention.  Moments march on and inevitably you will find yourself in the critical moment, ready or not.  I'm thankful to several people who encouraged me to enjoy each moment.  "Live in this moment" was the best advice I was given as mother of the bride for it encouraged me to enjoy the day and not be too obsessed with tomorrow.  Life was packed with activities starting about 5 pm Thursday until about 2 am Sunday.  Being able to stop, sink into and enjoy the moment was priceless.

 

Second, I learned that if it takes a village to raise a child it takes a veritable city to pull off the wedding of my daughter's dreams.  So many people came together to make her dream come true and I am humbled and amazed by them all.  The photographer that she stalked since her freshman year in college, the DJ with the perfect music mix, the friends that stood with them, the brother and friend that sang for them, the brother that videoed them, the friends and family that came to celebrate with them, the wonderful family she married into that embraced and loved on her, the preacher and his perfect wedding ceremony, my sister and her trusty camera.  I could go on and on but you get my drift.  These are not things that you can do alone....planning, preparing, celebrating....all need the presence of others.

 

Third, I learned that I should trust my daughter more.  She had a vision and I really didn't get it.  I questioned her at nearly every turn. "Are you sure?"...."is this really what you want?"....."is this really going to work?"  were questions I asked her often.  She was confident and composed.  I discovered early on that she had two main attitudes about wedding decisions.  Either they mattered very much or not at all.  She knew what she wanted and she got it.....often despite me and my "help".  On the day of her wedding I saw that her vision was clear and realized.  The venue was beautiful and she was stunning.  The entire day was delightful and absolutely everything she had hoped it would be.   I should have trusted her more.

 

Last, I learned that you are never too old to listen to your mom.  The only glitch of the day, in my opinion, was this - at the reception there was no reserved seating for family.  My mom and I had been in that room earlier in the day and she noticed the problem.  Lots of beautiful tables and chairs....no reserved signs on any of them.  "Where is the family going to sit?" she asked and suggested that I ask someone to set out some reserved signs.  I thought this a good idea and intended to follow through but got distracted.  It never got done.  Family stayed after the ceremony to take pictures and the tables filled up with our guests.  I wish I had been more intentional about following through with my mom's suggestion.  You really are never too old to listen to your mom!

 

The last thing I want to say is for anyone reading this that has a child of any age.  Even though you are probably overwhelmed and exhausted by parenting take a moment to enjoy your kids.....time will seriously fly by and you'll be watching your child walk down the aisle.  I can tell you it's surreal and wonderful and bittersweet....all at the same time.

 

 

 



Thought about re-writing in my own words but I'm pretty sure I simply cannot say it better

This is from the blog "I am totally *that* mom" on BlogSpot.  I considered writing my own version of this but decided I really couldn't say it better.  The blogger is a Pastor's wife and mother of two small boys so she knows from whence she speaks.  By the way, Mark swears that he does not hear children make noise in church. 

 

"Dear Parents of Young Children in Church,

 

You are doing something really, really important. I know it’s not easy. I see you with your arms overflowing, and I know you came to church already tired. Parenting is tiring. Really tiring.

I watch you bounce and sway trying to keep the baby quiet, juggling the infant carseat and the diaper bag as you find a seat. I see you wince as your child cries. I see you anxiously pull things out of your bag of tricks to try to quiet them.

And I see you with your toddler and your preschooler. I watch you cringe when your little girl asks an innocent question in a voice that might not be an inside voice let alone a church whisper.  I hear the exasperation in your voice as you beg your child to just sit, to be quiet as you feel everyone’s eyes on you. Not everyone is looking, but I know it feels that way.

I know you’re wondering, is this worth it? Why do I bother? I know you often leave church more exhausted than fulfilled. But what you are doing is so important.

When you are here, the church is filled with a joyful noise. When you are here, the Body of Christ is more fully present. When you are here, we are reminded that this worship thing we do isn’t about Bible Study or personal, quiet contemplation but coming together to worship as a community where all are welcome, where we share in the Word and Sacrament together.When you are here, I have hope that these pews won’t be empty in ten years when your kids are old enough to sit quietly and behave in worship. I know that they are learning how and why we worship now, before it’s too late. They are learning that worship is important.

I see them learning. In the midst of the cries, whines, and giggles, in the midst of the crinkling of pretzel bags and the growing pile of crumbs I see a little girl who insists on going two pews up to share peace with someone she’s never met. I hear a little boy slurping (quite loudly) every last drop of his communion wine out of the cup determined not to miss a drop of Jesus. I watch a child excitedly color a cross and point to the one in the front of the sanctuary.  I hear the echos of Amens just a few seconds after the rest of the community says it together. I watch a boy just learning to read try to sound out the words in the worship book or count his way to Hymn 672. Even on weeks when I can’t see my own children learning because, well, it’s one of those mornings, I can see your children learning.

I know how hard it is to do what you’re doing, but I want you to know, it matters. It matters to me. It matters to my children to not be alone in the pew. It matters to the congregation to know that families care about faith, to see young people… and even on those weeks when you can’t see the little moments, it matters to your children.

It matters that they learn that worship is what we do as a community of faith, that everyone is welcome, that their worship matters. When we teach children that their worship matters, we teach them that they are enough right here and right now as members of the church community. They don’t need to wait until they can believe, pray or worship a certain way to be welcome here, and I know adults who are still looking to be shown that. It matters that children learn that they are an integral part of this church, that their prayers, their songs, and even their badly (or perfectly timed depending on who you ask) cries and whines are a joyful noise because it means they are present.

I know it’s hard, but thank you for what you do when you bring your children to church. Please know that your family - with all of its noise, struggle, commotion, and joy – are not simply tolerated, you are a vital part of the community gathered in worship"

See?  I honestly couldn't have said it better!!

The Best Parenting Advice I Can Give

If you know me you know the following about me so skip to the next paragraph if you want to.  I have four children.....four individuals that couldn't, in any alternate reality, be any different from one another than they are in this reality.  One speaks and thinks in words and sounds.  Speaking several languages with apparent ease and apparently no accent discernible to native speakers of that foreign tongue.   Another thinks in numbers, equations and logic that is frequently immutable.  I asked him the other day the difference between a Math graduate degree and a Statistics graduate degree and he lost me right after, "Well, you see....."  A third is all about the shapes and colors of design.  An artist who thinks outside of any box he finds himself in and is truly gifted in Spatial Intelligence.  The fourth is a wonder....strong, nurturing, capable, reliable and musically gifted.  The voice of an angel with a backbone of steel.   See?  Different as different can be.  So, where is the advice?  It comes in two parts:

 

Part 1 - Recognize and accept that your child is an individual......separate and apart from you.  They are not a "mini-me" in no way, shape or form.  They were raised by different people than you in a different time than you.  Different things drive them and motivate them.  They are wired in their own unique way.  They are the author of their own unique journey.  You hold them for a while and can mold and shape but at the end of it (actually about 16 years into it) you have little say and no control  (this is why it is SO important to parent well in the early years but that is a post for another day).  Poke a fork in it, you're done.  Finito.  They are who they are and there is no turning back.

 

Part 2 - Love and respect who they have grown to be....... don't try to change them, "improve" them, or manipulate them to be something you desire them to be.  They will make decisions you wouldn't make and choices that might make you cringe.  Why?  Read Part 1.....that's why.  Respect and love will pave the way to happy relationships as your children approach their late teens and early 20's.  Love and respect who they are and the choices they make.  Remember they are not you and they journey their own path.  They will have pain, success, joy, failure, happiness and unhappiness.  Love them and respect them throughout.  That sounds so much easier than it is in reality.  It's easy to love and respect someone who always does what I wish them to do but your kid's won't do that.....this is what makes it tough but here's the thing - I want them to love and respect me, don't I?  Therefore, I must give that back in kind.

 

So, we have a trip planned this weekend....a family trip to Austin.  My scenario?  The Houston group gets in a car together Friday about 1 pm and we travel together, sing-along style, to Austin.  We enjoy one another's company for the weekend and then ride home together on Sunday.  Reality?  Jeff and I are going on Friday about 1 pm where we will meet two kids and one fiancée for dinner.  Another kid and girlfriend will join us for Saturday only and the fourth kid isn't coming at all (too much homework).  How do I feel about this?  They are making their own choices because they have their own lives, motivations and drivers.  I love them and respect their choices.  A tiny bit disappointed, sure, but overall happy that they are grown up enough to make their own decisions.  After all, isn't that what my job as a parent is.....to grow them out of a need for me to do that job? 

Gross

I almost don't want to put this picture on the blog because it will be in the cycle for icon when I post but I'm not sure how else to make my point without the visual.   My  point?  This is gross.

 

 

This Samsung ad is disturbing on so many levels.  In case you can't read it the caption above says "Tell the truth. don't you think our monitor is a bit fat?"   They obviously go by the advertising credo that "sex sells".  Why else have a girl in a bikini holding their product?  And a girl who is skinnier than a computer monitor.  It's no wonder so many girls and women have body image issues with this kind of advertising thrown in our faces.  If this is what we are to believe is normal or desirable then we should all throw in the towel and  have another sleeve of Thin Mints.  And the high heels??  How seductive and gross is that?   This is objectification of women at its grossest.  Sorry to be overusing that word but it is just so applicable.

 

The next couple of paragraphs may seem unrelated to the above so bear with me please. 

 

I had a conversation the other day with the minister that will perform my daughter's wedding ceremony.  He said that she didn't want to be called "Mrs. Grant Williams".  She said that she would change her last name but she wasn't giving up her first name too.  She also didn't want him to ask "Who gives this woman away" or even "Who brings this woman".....like she's someones property to be given away.  These are offensive notions to her. 

 

He thought it funny to say that she is just like me....he may have even meant it as a little bit of a dig but I didn't take it that way because I am proud of her.  I'm proud that she sees herself as a person of value.  I'm glad that she has the temerity to speak up on her own behalf and let people know her own worth.  I'm really super glad that she knows what she thinks and speaks up for herself.  She didn't get this way by accident.  She got this way because every time I saw an ad like the one above I talked about it.  These are some of the things I might have said:

• Look at that poor sad, skinny woman.  I wonder how she stays healthy.
• What on earth does a computer monitor have to do with a woman in a bikini? 
• Samsung is trying to use her to sell their stuff and she is worthy of more.  She isn't an object.   She's a person.  She's someones daughter or sister.
• That is gross.
• It is not in God's plan for people to be used in such a way and you have to be aware of the media trying to tell you something that is not true.  Watch for it!!

This is how we raised four feminists.  I say "we" because everyone in the home has to be committed and strong to fight the media onslaught when it comes to stuff like this.  So, about those feminists.....we are completely unapologetic.

When Youth Culture and Bad Parenting Collide

Have you read all the stuff running around the net about the Steubenville rapists, the verdict, and CNN's coverage of same?  Well, if you haven't, let me set it up for you a bit.

Two high school students from Steubenville, Ohio were charged with sexually assaulting a classmate at a party.  She was too intoxicated to stand up so they undressed her, assaulted her, took pictures and posted those pictures on their facebook pages with bragging updates.  Other friends stood around taking pictures and video which also showed up on the Internet.  It was the Internet that finally brought pressure to bear on the police and District Attorneys office to bring charges.  Too many people screaming "cover up".  The boys were charged in Juvenile Court.  They are celebrated football players.  Everyone involved is 16 or 17 years old.

CNN covered the verdict and that is where the controversy really gets interesting.  The two (female) newscasters seemed very sympathetic to the rapists.  The boys cried when the verdict was read and the newscaster felt bad for them.  To quote Poppy Harlow, “I’ve never experienced anything like it, Candy. It was incredibly emotional, incredibly difficult even for an outsider like me to watch what happened as these two young men that had such promising futures — star football players, very good students — we literally watched as, they believe, their life fell apart."

Just to be clear, I feel bad for these kids.....all of them.  Prison usually does not fix people.  It often makes messed up people even more messed up.  These boys likely won't get out of Juvie (at age 21) as well-adjusted men having a greater respect for women.  That just typically doesn't happen.  So, I feel bad for them.  They messed up....badly, and they will pay the consequences.  I feel badly for the victim.  I don't even have to enumerate the reasons.

What I want to say about all of that is this:  What kind of world do we live in where this is even remotely okay?  Where are these kids parents?  What kind of person does this to another person?  What kind of people stand around, watch and do nothing?   Those are my questions.  Here are my thoughts.

1.  We need to teach our children to be kind and compassionate.  The victims mother stated that "compassion cannot be taught" but I strongly disagree.  Compassion can be taught, it should be modelled and it has to be expected of our children. 

2.  We need to teach our children to be brave.  There will be many times that they will need to step up and say something when someone is out of line.  Helping our kids learn to do that right thing even when it is the hard thing will make the world a better place.  It isn't always easy and we must help our kids to understand that John Wayne was right when he said, "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."

3.  We need to teach our children about sex.  Yes, I said it, S-E-X.  Did you know that a great number of teenagers do not believe that oral sex is sex?  Maybe you don't believe that oral sex is sex but ask yourself this question:  So, if it's not "sex" am I okay with my teenager doing it?  We need to talk to our kids about sex.  We need to discuss appropriate boundaries for themselves and others.  We need to teach them to respect themselves and other's boundaries.  You will regret letting peer groups and media define what is acceptable behavior. 

4.  We need to teach our children to see others as God sees others.  This is especially difficult as we live in a culture that "objectifies women" (just google those two words if you don't believe me), preaches individualism (another google subject) and honors helicopter parenting (google it).  God saw each person as a person of value (see Jesus healing of the woman with the bloody issue Mark 5:21-34).  He expects us to love others as much as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:36-40).  He expects us to take responsibility for our own actions (Galatians 6:7-10)

So, you may notice that I didn't say anything about teaching our boys not to be rapists (that would insult your intelligence) or teach our girls how not to be raped (that would insult mine....and I don't buy into the rape culture that blames the victim).  What I DO say is we must teach our children....all of our children.....to love others, to be kind and compassionate, to be brave.  Also, teach them about sex....yes, I said it again.

Is Your Daughter a Princess?

"How To Be God's Little Princess" is a book that tells little girls...well, how to be God's little princess.  There are descriptions on how to make the best pink cookies, how to wear a tiara, and how to earn money at home....among other things.  Irritated yet??

Let me start this post by saying I have a daughter that is as girly-girl as the next girly-girl.  She loved to dress up when she was little.  She adored tea parties and baby dolls.  She is a "princess".  She always denies it but, trust me, with three older brothers she is a prin-cess!

Having said that, let me say that I have serious problems with what is commonly called "Princess Theology".  This is the thought that a little girl is God's princess.....pampered, pure, precious.  What, you may be asking, is wrong with that?  Well, that is what this post is about....let me give you a list.

1.  Purity goes both ways.  Often while girls are in the Princess classes learning about modesty and purity the boys are being taught to be fierce warriors for God.  Why aren't the boys being taught to be pure?  Why aren't our girls being taught to be fierce warriors for God?

2.  Princesses are typically for show.  Name one that does a real job.  Not to dis Princess Kate in all her pregnant glory but what good is she really?  She's having a baby and everyone is ecstatic.  I'm sorry.  No offense, but I want more for my daughter.  There is an incredible shallowness involved in this theology.  Princesses are beautiful and vapid.  Think of the symbols of a Princess......tiaras, scepters, glitter, a Prince.  Ick.

3. Being a Princess doesn't bring automatic value.  Some see this as an attempt to help young girls value themselves and improve their self-esteem but let's give the culture of Princesses a little thought.  The daughter of the king was often married off to another guy to solidify borders or create alliances.  They are passive and let others take care of them.  Princesses, unlike Queens, are typically not take charge kind of people.

I want so much more for my daughter.  I want her to be strong, loving, passionate, real and so much more.  Encouraging my daughter to be a Princess, even a Princess of the King of Heaven, is not what I dream for her.  I want her to know that she is a child of God just like every other person created.  Just like her brothers. 

Quiche that Makes Your Pee Smell Funny

Yummy!

I had some moms at my house a few weeks ago and served one of my favorite dishes....Asparagus Quiche.  The recipe was requested so here it is:

You'll need:
1 1/2 pounds fresh asparagus or 2 packages, 10 ounce, frozen spears (I always use frozen)
1 tsp salt, for boiling water that cooks the asparagus
8 slices of bacon, cooked to crispy and crumbled
1/2 pound Swiss Cheese, grated (I like the tangy and sharp taste of Emmenthal)
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups light cream
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp salt
Dash of Pepper
One uncooked pie crust (11 inches or deep dish works best as this is a big quiche)

Here's what you do:
Cook the asparagus.  If it's fresh you'll have to figure out how.  If it's frozen cook it in one cup water to boiling for 5 minutes.  Drain and rinse in cold water.  Pick out 12 of the nicest looking spears and set aside.  Cut up the rest in about 1/2 inch pieces.  Into the uncooked pie crust layer bacon pieces on the bottom, grated cheese on the bacon, asparagus pieces on the cheese.  Mix the eggs, light cream, nutmeg, salt and pepper together and pour over the layers.  Arrange the asparagus you set aside in a spoke-like fashion on top of the cream/egg mixture.  Cook in a 375 degree oven for 50 minutes.  (that's what it takes in my oven....you'll need to see how yours does but a knife stuck in the middle ought to come out clean before you eat it). 

There are no calories in this quiche since asparagus is so good for you.

That's not true but I wish it were.

Ryan and the Dogs

Now that this story has a happy ending I can tell it.  This is a story full of adventure, heroism, sacrifice and more than a little dog poo.

On a dark and stormy night a few weeks ago my son, Ryan, let himself into his apartment in Huntsville.  As he opened the door two puppies rushed in ahead of him and made themselves quite at home.  He felt that his only option, other than letting them stay, was to push them out again into the bad weather.  He did as we had raised him to do....he let them stay.

Now, you may have caught the "his apartment" part.  Yes, he lives in an apartment that is completely  unsuitable for a dog....much less 2 dogs....and puppies at that.  Ryan quickly began looking for their current home or their next home.  He knew he couldn't keep them and neither could (or would) we.  He called Animal Control in Huntsville to see if they had been reported as lost, he contacted three area veterinarians to see if they knew anything about them.  He even took the dogs in to a vet to see if they had locater chips (they did not).  He bathed them, bought them flea collars, bought food and collars and leashes.  In other words, he took care of them, all the while trying to figure out what to do with them.

It's harder than one might think.  Ryan was committed to seeing them to a no-kill shelter and those are not easy to find.  Most places seem to be a kind of doggie foster home system.  People sign up to keep the dogs in their own homes until they are adopted.  It was hard to even get someone to answer the phone in most of those places.  On a weekend that he was coming to Houston Ryan brought them home.  They stayed in our backyard which meant Floyd, our very territorial dog, stayed in the laundry room which meant Pepper, our very evil cat, had her litter box moved to my bathroom.  You can imagine the ripple effect.  Ryan took the dogs to our vet to be checked out (our nice vet offers three free stray checks a year) and found out they had worms.  This required medicine during their stay and yard treatment after they left.  More ripples.

Finally, a little research into the Houston SPCA revealed that they are a no-kill shelter unless the dog is sick or dangerous.  It took until Thursday to get an appointment with them so we lived with the dogs worming up our back yard, walking Floyd several times a day, and stepping on kittie litter in our bathroom until then.  Ryan came home early the next weekend and took them in.  We hope that they are adopted.  They really were sweet puppy dogs.

So, what's the lesson?   We learned several.  One, watch your door on rainy nights lest something slip in you don't want to deal with.  Two, Bob Barker was right....we should spay and neuter our pets.  Three, you can't be irritated at your thoughtful and sweet child saving a couple of troublesome animals when you have raised him to do that very thing. 

We raised our kids to value others and value life in general.  We were more apt to throw a bug out of the house rather than kill.  We wanted our kids to be good citizens of the planet and be mindful of creatures in need.  At the end of the deal - Floyd back in a de-wormed yard, kittie litter back in the laundry room, and puppies to the SPCA - we were incredibly proud of Ryan.  His generous heart and sensitive spirit are of great value.  He's a good person and I'm happy he did what he did.  Oftentimes the best thing to do is a hard thing to do and Ryan did the hard thing with grace and equanimity.

Super Bowl Brothers

I didn't watch the Super Bowl game Sunday night.  I was driving back from Austin (but that's another post).  I knew which team won but since neither team was the Texans it really didn't matter to me too much. 

Monday morning I said to Jeff, "Wow!  The media doesn't care at all about the other coach.  All they can talk about is this Harbaugh guy".  That is when I realized that both coaches were named Harbaugh and they are brothers.  My thoughts immediately went to their poor parents. 

Who do you root for?  What do you wear?  How do you stay neutral?  How do you support one son and not make the other feel that their pain or their triumph is unimportant?   How do you not cringe as you watch your boys compete on such a large stage?  The fact is one will win and one will lose.   As a parent, that is painful!

I did some looking around and found some interesting information.  Probably you knew this already but Jim and John are 15 months apart.  I have boys 15 months apart and I can tell you that there is some competition going on there.....always has been.  My boys have an older brother that they swear has "big brother power".  Jim has a son, Jay, that works for John (and what is with all the J names?).  Their parent's, Jack and Jackie (I'm not lying, look it up...more J names), raised them to look out for one another.

Some quotes from the following article illustrate this point. 
http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/2013/02/03/super-bowl-harbaugh-family/1888797/ 

"the brothers gushed about how much they've learned from their mother that, as John said, "We were to have each other's back no matter what,"

"John said. "We are fiercely loyal, there's no doubt. We all say that. Not just of one another and we always have been. That's definitely not ever going to change. We will continue to be fiercely loyal and protective of one another, but also of our teams."

These are remarkable people.  They've raised two successful sons that care for one another even in the midst of their extreme competitiveness.  A clue to how this came about was exhibited last season.  On Thanksgiving Day the two brothers met on the battle field coaching their respective teams.  The Ravens beat the 49ers.

"After leaving an office in the stadium where they watched the game — in private and emotionless — the first locker room they walked past was that of the Ravens.
"We've all experienced that excitement of victory-guys jumping up and down, the smile on John's face. They were just ecstatic. ... Then you realize that you're not needed here," Jack said. "You walk across the hall, and you went into the 49ers locker room and you walked and you saw the players walking about — that look in their eyes, that look of not being successful and coming up short. We opened up a couple doors and finally saw Jim all by himself in this room, just a table and a chair. He was still in his coaching outfit. His head down in his hands and you looked into his eyes and you realized that this where you're needed as a parent."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/03/jack-jackie-harbaugh-losing-son-coach-visit-first_n_2608879.html

Here is one more article.  This one reveals, in Jim Harbaugh's own words, what the winning brother said to the losing brother at the end of the game under the falling confetti.  Get a tissue.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/nfl--harbaugh-family-tree-branches-out-to-comfort--celebrate-jim-and-john-in-emotional-super-bowl-locker-room--072418426.html

I admire Jack and Jackie Harbaugh but I do not envy them!!

Old Dogs CAN Learn New Tricks

I went to a conference this week and learned some new things....actually a lot of new things and I'll be sharing my new learnings soon.  But I really wanted to show off this (look up).  I did this on a very cool website called www.wordle.net.  You put a bunch of words in the block and it makes these really coolio pictures.  I needed a lot of help getting the picture (which was really an applet) off the page and onto my computer in a form I could use here but I did it.  I'm obsessed!!!!

Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First

You know that moment on the airplane, just before they take off, when there's that very boring speech about how to buckle a seat belt (duh) and where the emergency exits are located?  At some point the flight attendant pulls out an oxygen mask and shows how to extend the rubbery headband that keeps it in place so you can place it over your mouth and nose.  Somewhere in there a very important point is made.  You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help your children.  You must have oxygen before you can help others.  Imagine it.....the plane dips scarily, the masks drop down (due to a change in pressure or altitude or what ever the reason....like everyone else, I'm reading a magazine  when this is explained) and you panic.  You look around to be sure it's not just your oxygen mask that dropped.  You spend a little time asking "what's going on?!?!?"  And finally you remember that there is something you need to do with the mask.  Your kids need oxygen and you need to help them put the oxygen on but by this time you're feeling a little short of breath yourself and on the edge of passing out.  If you go down there will be no one to take care of your kids. 

I don't know about you but this is how I felt....frequently....when my kids were little.  The plane was shaky, the masks were dangling, I was trying to figure out what was going on and the edges of my vision were going black.  I was going down.

Here is what saved me....I learned to take care of myself.  I got sleep when I could.  I tried to eat healthy.  I asked others to step in when I needed a break.  I had friends I could count on to support me and understand me.  I wouldn't have made it without them (Sherry, you know what I'm talking about).  I tried to raise independent children that wouldn't be dragging on my hemline when they were twenty years old.  But mostly I just learned to be in tune with my own needs and I took care of me. 

Moms have a lot of pressure.....a lot on their plates.  You know those circus guys that spin plates?  Well, I am a master (mistress) spinner.  Sometimes you gotta have help spinning and sometimes you gotta be okay with a plate falling.  Sometimes you just lay one down and keep moving forward. 

The thing I want you to know is you are not alone.  Remember where your strength comes from.....sometimes a good strong cup of coffee and always from God.  (Philippians 4:13)

Parenting Wisdom from My Child

When my daughter was about 12 years old I asked her for some parenting wisdom.  You may find this odd but I was looking for some pithy little nonsense from a child that we could laugh over for a parenting class I was preparing.  This was not kind of me, I admit, but there you go.  Sometimes we aren't the best we could be.

What I got was no less than I deserved considering my attitude on asking.  My attitude was a  little snotty ("this should be rich" I thought) and what I got was really pearls of wisdom from an 12 year old.  Here you go:

1.  Respect your kids
              
2.  When you get angry, explain why you are angry

3.  Give your girls a break when they're having their periods (guess what we had been talking about in days prior)

4.  Love them the way they are

5.  Don't leave them in the park (not sure where this came from!)

6.  Don't be a hypocrite (this was followed by a very long discussion about parents that drink and smoke while telling their children not to drink and smoke)

7.  Love them (yes, she knew this was repetitive but she felt that it should be repeated since it is so important)

8.  If you leave town, leave someone with them

9.  The harder you are on your teenagers the looser they will be (by "looser" I think she meant out of control)

10.  You can't say, "he's just a kid".  You have to say, "that's my kid that just did that".  (I happen to love this one as I so often see people excusing bad behaviors)

I promise you she reeled these off just like I wrote them.  Personally I think this is gold.......

My Big Fat American Family Trip

Let me start off by saying the word "fat" is used in the 'lots of numbers' sense and not the 'lots of weight' sense.  There.  Now, let me tell you about my trip.  I went on a family trip for Christmas.  Last year we decided that rather than give a bunch of gifts we would go on a trip and "the experience would be the gift".  You can imagine how well that went over with the kids.

So, we left on the 22nd of December.  22 people travelled from Houston to Calgary, Alberta, Canada and were joined by 5 travelling from Los Angeles.  A few days later we were joined by 2 more making our total 29.  This trip was sponsored (and paid for) by the patriarch and matriarch of the family (my mom, Wanda, and my dad, Don).  They have four children who are all married (I'm the second child and oldest girl) and fourteen grandchildren.  You may be thinking that this only adds up to 24 and you would be right.  Two of those grandchildren are engaged to be married this Spring and two more have long term relationships.  That makes 28.  The 29th person (and perhaps the easiest to travel with and get along with) was Marilyn, my sister-in-law's mother.  She is 74 year old cancer survivor who spend two days on the ski slopes.  Amazing woman!

Now, you may be thinking "That's no bigger than your average tour group.  What's the big deal?" but I'll tell you that on a tour you are on your best behavior and someone else is directing the activities.  Imagine going on a vacation with 28 or your family members......just give that a moment to settle in your brain.  You can't walk into a restaurant anywhere and say, "Table for 29 please".  The madhouse potential is high.  And yet, we had few problems.  We ate, skied, played, slept, ate some more, shopped, toured and generally had a great time with very few issues....personally or vacationally.  (I realize that's not a word)

How does this happen?  Well, I'll tell you my theory.

1.  It's not about me.  You go with the knowledge that someone else is paying for this trip and you will do what they want to do.  Now, let me say that I would not do this with just anyone but these are my parents for goodness sake.  I trust them and know that they will provide a good time but I am one out of 29 people and the trip isn't about me.   Mr. Spock said it best, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one"

2.  We have a plan.  There was an agenda.  We had reservations each night for dinner.  We reserved ski equipment and sleigh rides.  We knew where we were to be at what time dressed to go where we were going.  We had built in free time and activity time.  We did some things as a big family (Curling lessons and tournament) and some things in smaller groups (lunch some days).  We had a nice mix of free/planned/all together/small group time but the point is there was a plan.

3.  We are flexible.  Sometimes that plan didn't quite work out.  Like the day we thought our dinner reservations were at 7:00 and discovered they were really at 4:15 (What is that about, Spaghetti Warehouse??).  Sometimes you have to be calm and make a new plan.  Flexibility is the key.

4.  We get along.  This is a family value and not just something we pull out on family vacation.  We believe in harmony.  That doesn't mean that people don't get annoyed or irritated.  They do.  But we don't let it get in the way of harmony and getting along.  When we were children our parents didn't let us fuss and fight with one another and we encourage harmony amongst our own kids.  We work out our differences and love one another above all else.  It's not perfect but it works for us and we all do get along pretty well.   

Quite honestly, I can't think of 29 other people I would rather vacation with....truly.