Kids & Christmas: Part 5 - Givers

We wanted to raise givers.  We wanted our children to be compassionate givers....giving of their time and attention and love and money and talents.  So many people are "takers" or "consumers" in the world and we wanted our kids to be different.  For the most part I think we've succeeded. Our kids aren't perfect, by any means.  They are as imperfect as their parents (and in many of the same ways, unsurprisingly).  But, on the whole, they are loving and compassionate people.   Looking back on our parenting I think there were some things we did that helped. 

We gave.  We gave our money - at church, to the Salvation Army guy at WalMart, to every girl scout and boy scout that sold us cookies or raffle tickets, at our Christian School fund raisers, and lots of other places where people were in need.  We gave our stuff - Paralyzed Veterans Association and Houston Achievement Place must have us on speed dial for all the clothes and stuff we give away.  Food from our pantry was often taken to church for Hungry Homer (the food barrels used to be called that, if you can imagine it)....and not food they  hated.  We had them pick out something they liked.  What good is it to give away something you would never eat anyway?  We gave our time.  Because of my job at the church (Children and Families Minister) we spend a lot of time at church doing various things....setting up for events, doing events, cleaning up from those events, teaching Bible classes, coordinating children's worship....you name it and if it had to do with kids we did it and, more often than not, we did it as a family.  We dragged our kids along as we gave of our time.  Now that they are grown and in serious relationships we drag their significant others along as well (I'm not even going to apologize, Maribeth and Grant, I'm just going to say "thanks").  We gave and our kids participated in that giving.

We didn't give them everything they asked for.  American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, is famous for his "Hierarchy of Need" pyramid.  Basic needs are the base - food, air, water, sleep, pooing.  Other needs build on that base and create, at the top, a self-actualized real person that other people want to be around (that should be your goal as a parent, by the way....to raise people other people want to be with)  We paid attention to this handy pyramid and noted that nowhere on it does it say "the latest toy everyone else has" or "everything they desire".   I suppose it was fortunate that we had four kids...we couldn't have possibly given them everything they wanted because we couldn't afford everything they wanted.  We were forced, by economics, to pick and choose.  I realize that would have been harder to do if we had only one or two kids.

We expected them to be generous people....with one another and with others.  When the kids received video game systems they were given to "the kids"...not to any one of them.  Individual games may be given to a child but those were intended to share and share alike.  The games and consoles were "family gifts" and everyone understood that generosity was expected.  We expected them to be generous with each other concerning their time and love and things.  They helped each other with homework and projects (which makes total sense when you consider their various gifts).  They shared toys and a room for many years.  We expected them to be generous in mercy and grace....four children (three of them boys) in five years required much mercy and grace on behalf of all six of us!  There were some tough times (and frankly a few holes in my memory) but now that they are 21, 23, 24, and 26 I can say that we did okay.  They are pretty good people....caring and compassionate and giving.  I'm pretty sure children aren't givers by nature and our culture doesn't exactly encourage giving of oneself.  If you want to raise children that give you must model giving and nurture a giving spirit. 

Let me close by saying....one more time....that my kids aren't perfect....in no way....but they are pretty good people.  They are people I believe other people want to be with (including me!) and that's a good thing. 

Kids & Christmas: Part 4 - Lies

So who does this describe?  There's this guy.  He's older than your kid.  He knows everything about your kid....when they are being good and when they are being bad.  He wants them to be good.  He watches over everyone.  He is the giver of good gifts and blessings.  No one you know has ever actually seen him but lots of people believe that he is real.  You can go to a play and see him portrayed by an actor.  Sometimes you see movies on TV about him.   Have I just described Jesus or Santa Claus?

I will confess to you that I have had moments of unease over the whole Santa mythos.  I think it's kind of creepy that some guy would sneak into my home while I sleep....even if he does leave presents behind.  I was never really one of those parents that bothered to make it look more real....leaving out cookies and milk, making reindeer tracks outside....you know the type.   I let my kids believe but didn't prolong the belief nor did I try to shorten their time in the innocence of childhood.  I just let it roll out as it would....helplessly watching.

Why?  Well...the short answer is this - what else is a parent to do?  You could be an uber-realist and tell your kid up front that the old guy is a myth and you are really the one leaving the gifts.  This invites your 4 year old to tell the other pre-schoolers the truth of the situation making you the most unpopular family in the neighborhood (next to the family that told their kids about sex too soon...even more awkward)  We are immersed in a culture that wants children to believe in all manner of myth....the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, even creepier Elf on a Shelf (who moves about in the night creating mischief, for goodness sake) and that there will be Social Security when they get old.  We want our children to remain innocent and pure.  That's not a bad thing.  It's a very good thing.  My discomfort comes when I realize that they may wonder what else I've lied about. 

And therein lies my problem.  Will they ever wonder if what I've told them about Jesus is a lie?  Did he ever really live?  Does he really know me and care about me?  How much of that "story" is a myth?  These are weighty questions and I believe the best way to handle them is head on.  Just address it.  When your child is old enough to understand abstract concepts (usually around 9 or 10 years of age) and no longer believes in Santa (that is an age up in the air but you can bet his or her friends with older siblings will know at about this age and will be telling) talk about the differences between Santa and Jesus.  Jesus lived.....scholars can prove that.  Jesus lives still....your own testimony can show that.  Jesus loves.....the Bible tells us so.  Be intentional about telling the story of Jesus...every day....in a personal way.  If you are living the life of a Christ-follower and you address the issues your kids will know the difference between the Truth and a myth. 


NEXT:  Kids & Christmas - Givers

Kids & Christmas: Part 3 - Gimme

I remember a Christmas several years ago (and I'm sure my boys could tell you which one) our children wouldn't declare which new video game system they wanted.  I don't even remember which two companies upgraded their systems but we bought both thinking we would take one back when the boys declared which one they wanted.  We kept both systems.  (I wanted to be a 'video game free home' but was outvoted.....a topic for another post)  I can honestly say that we owned every video game system every created....even a Sega Dreamcast which was only in production from 1999 - 2001.  A sorry state of affairs.  I tell you these things so that you don't think we were perfect parents when it came to raising children without the "Gimmes".  We absolutely were not!  Our children had as much as the neighbor kids and wanted more, just like every other kid.  They totally wanted to keep up with the Jones!!

But that isn't what I wanted for my kids and one day I showed them the front page of the newspaper where there was a picture of a starving child.  That was a tough day....for them and me.  It was a spur of the moment thing.  They were all in Elementary School and the moment seemed right.   Here is the dilemma....I don't want my children to feel guilty for their blessings...I want them to feel blessed.  I want that feeling of being blessed to compel them to do good works and give back.  I want them to care about others and for that sense of care to cause them to act.   I don't want them to feel entitled to blessings.  I want them to appreciate the blessings and share those blessings out of a sense of abundance.  These are not natural things for children who are, by nature, self centered and ego centric.  You have to find a way for them to understand these things.

Some practical ideas?  Put a blanket in your car and the next time you pass a person panhandling on the corner give them the blanket.  Talk to your kids about homeless people.  Why might they be homeless? (please, please, please, don't buy into and perpetrate stereotypes about homeless people taking advantage of the government dole.....most of them are trying to live better lives)  What can we do to help?  We have much so is there something we can share?  Can we pray for that person on the corner?

Talk to your children about organizations such as Save the Children or Heifer International or International Rescue Committee (one my son worked for).  These organizations take your donations and do real things with them....buy a cow, pay for school, feed people.  Tell you children that one of their gifts will be a donation.....then do it!  Buy one less gift and give the money you would have spent to a charity.  Charity Navigator is a good place to check out charities that spend their money wisely.

Don't give them everything they want.  Don't buy into the notion that you are responsible for their happiness and their happiness is dependent upon what they get.  None of that is true.  Give them what they need.....love, shelter, safety, acceptance, discipline, more love.  Giving them everything they want is not what is best for them.  Some things about parenting are hard and this is one of them.   Leave some things on their list....I was fortunate that there were always several things on my kid's lists that were never going to happen (sorry, Taylor, you are never getting an iguana as long as you live in my house) and still we looked for things that could be left un-bought. 

Look at your own spending habits.  Do you exhibit signs of the "gimmes"?  Are you teaching your kids that you must have everything you want...right when you want it?  Are you giving....sharing....and thinking outside of your own self?  What are you modelling?  That is the real question because what you are doing says far more than what you are saying.

NEXT:  Kids & Christmas:  Lies

Kids & Christmas: Part 2 - Reasons

"Jesus is the reason for the Season".  You've heard this, I'm sure.  If you are like me (and chances are some of you are) you were raised in an environment that didn't necessarily celebrate Christmas Day as the actual birthday of Jesus.  Honestly, that's putting it mildly.  We knew that Jesus wasn't born on the 25th of December and so we sort of looked down our noses at those who sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus on Christmas Day.  As my dad used to say, "We have let our feelings about Catholics cause us to lose an appreciation for the birth of Jesus."   I think he speaks truth in this case. 

Let me say, right off, that, yes, we know Jesus probably wasn't born on December 25th.  It is cold in Palestine in December, shepherds wouldn't be out "with their flock" that time of year...blah, blah, yadda, yadda.  Yeah, we get it.   There are lots of scholars that think Jesus was born in September....or April.  Does is matter?  Isn't the important thing (the most important thing) is that he was born at all?  Don't you think the reason for Christmas has shifted anyway to one of gifts, sales, food, and schmaltzy Christmas specials on TV?  Santa is the star of the Season.  Or so it would seem if you survey our popular culture and media. 

But it doesn't have to be that way.  We can decide, for ourselves and our families, what is the meaning of Christmas.  It could be a whole season of giving....giving away clothes we no longer wear, giving away food to those in need, giving away acts of service to volunteer organizations.  It could be a whole season of remembering.....remembering those who came before us and gave us a solid family grounded in faith and love (or remembering our commitment to be different from those who came before us and didn't give those things).  It could be a season of worship.....worshipping a God who came down and lived among us only to die for us.  It could be a season of family....family playing together, praying together, sharing joy together.  The possibilities are endless and as varied as there are families out there. 

So, what is the reason for the Season in your family?  By all means, talk about the birth of Jesus....everyone else is and that's a good thing.  And spend some time thinking about and discussing the reason for the Season.  Christmas is all around and a point will be made....never doubt that your kids are learning something....be the one to direct what they are learning. 

NEXT:  Kids & Christmas:  Part 3 - Gimme

Kids & Christmas: Part 1 - Traditions

This is part 1 of a 5 part series on Christmas and kids.  For those of you that know me please stop thinking, "Oh sure, and we'll get the rest of it next Christmas".....smarty pants!  I've written them all (or have in my head) and won't post the first until the last is ready to post.  It could be that this will never see the light of day.....but I digress.

Traditions are important to children.  Traditions ground them to who they are and where they belong.  It gives them good and solid memories of happy times.  Traditions help them know what is really important about your family, the holiday, and your values regarding both.  It says something if your holiday traditions involve buying and getting.  It says something else if your traditions involve cooking and eating.  It says even something else if your traditions involve giving and serving.  Not that there is anything wrong with any of these things....it's just that they all say something. 

Another interesting thing about traditions is the criteria for a tradition.  Maybe it's just my kids but it seemed to me that if we did a thing one time it was a tradition.  "We do that every year!" my kids would say (even though I'm pretty sure we did it for the first time just last year).  I raised some pretty sentimental kids....they really dig their traditions.  For instance, we open Christmas presents on Christmas Eve at my parent's house.  The kids have their spot to sit as they open their gifts.  This year we are going on a family trip and won't be at Grandma's house on Christmas Eve.  The person most upset by this?  My 26 year old son!!!  He's "severely bummed" that he can't sit in his spot and open gifts at Grandma's house.  His siblings aren't a whole lot happier.   My point is this.....all that elaborate Elf on a Shelf stuff you did last year?  You'll have to do that and more this year. 

So think about your traditions.  What are the things you do "every year" that your kids would screech about if you didn't do them?  What do those things say about your family and what you value?  Consider talking about those traditions with your kids.  Call them traditions, claim them as yours, talk about why you do them and what they say about you.  Also consider this.....if you thought about your favorite things about Christmas I bet it would be traditions from when you were a kid.  What is your child going to remember?  And, once more, what does that say about you and your family? 

NEXT:  Kids & Christmas:  Part 2 - Reasons

What Did Your Child Learn on Election Day?

As the election results rolled in on Tuesday I began to see comments on Facebook that I found very disturbing.  Let me set this up a bit. 

I come from a well to do upwardly mobile middle class family.  My parents are educated people who value self-reliance, independence and, yes, education.  They attended my parent-teacher conferences, bought me a clarinet for band, and made sure I did my homework.  They were diligent in seeing me equipped socially, emotionally, economically and physically to survive, even thrive, in the world.

Now, let me tell you about a woman I know.  We'll call her B.  I know this woman because I am the Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for her children as they are in the foster care system.  B does not know her father.  Her mother told her long ago that she was conceived through a rape in a bar and her father is unknown.  Her mother berates her constantly for her inadequacies as a person and parent.  B does not have a drivers license.  She is able to read and write reasonably well but the math requirements kept her from graduating High School or achieving her GED.  She works in fast food restaurants but must always live near her place of employment and her childcare (this is what comes of no drivers license).  She is not equipped socially, emotionally, economically or physically to survive or thrive.....her children suffer for it. 

The question I have for you is this:  What is the difference between myself and B?  My answer is this: An accident of birth.  I was born into a family that nurtured and loved me....she was not.  I was born into a family that wanted me to succeed and had the resources to see it done.....she was not.  I have people I can turn to in times of need or distress....she does not. 

Don't talk to me about people who succeed in places where they should not be able to do so (Oprah Winfrey comes to mind).  I can match those with people who fail in places where they should have succeeded (does the name Dylan Klebold ring any bells?).  I have no patience for that.  I want to know this: who are we to judge?  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or...judgmental but there is one judge and we are not He. 

So, what's a child of God to do?  Jesus said it well, "Love God and love others".  If every action you take and every word from your mouth does not fulfill these commands you need to rethink and repent. 

I wrote this a week ago and sat on it because I was not calm enough to post it......looked at it again today and didn't change a word.

What Would Your Child Do?

Before you read on, watch the following:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOlpdd7y8MI

Now, consider what your child would do under the same circumstances.  I am not suggesting you do this to see what would happen.  I'm not a proponent of lying to your child....even for the sake of comedy (and some of it is pretty funny, you have to admit) or pulling practical jokes on children.  They aren't able to understand and process the experience.  From their perspective a parent stole something that didn't belong to them and then lied about it....we try to teach our children that these are wrong behaviors.  Our lessons go somewhat out the window when we display these wrong behaviors.....even for Larry Kimbell. 

The question remains, though, what do you suppose your child would do under similar circumstances?  If I had one of the children that had thrown a fit, or an object, or a raspberry, or engaged in a little name calling I would be too embarrassed to send in the video.  I would hope that my kids would be like the ones near the end of the video.  How precious were they??  Beyond precious!

But, I'm not so sure what my kids would have done.  And, this begs the question of nature versus nurture.  Some kids are just born more sanguine....mellow....not so easily ruffled.  Some kids come out of the womb barely suppressed volcanoes of energy and emotion.  I know this from personal experience.  So, the kids that threw a fit....are they born that way?  The one's that took the news well.....are they born that way?  Or did their parents raise them....nurture them....to have those reactions?

I think it's a bit of both.  Children are born wired a certain way....of that I am sure.  Parents have a responsibility to shape and mold children.  Certain behaviors are unacceptable no matter the circumstances and those "barely suppressed volcanoes" have to be worked with a bit more than the others.  But, no matter what, there are ways in which we are not allowed to act.....I'm sure you can pick those out in the video. 

Another thing I'm fairly sure of.....the children that were accepting, sweet and loving about the situation had seen that modelled at home.  That kind of behavior is more caught than taught and those kids had caught some grace and mercy somewhere along the way. 

Another view on "The Art of Marriage"

If you spend much time on Pinterest you will have seen the following.  It is attributed to Paul Newman.  The Pinterest pin says that it's a letter he wrote his bride, Joanne Woodward, on their wedding day.  That is actually incorrect.  It's a poem written by Wilferd A. Peterson and read at the Newman/Woodward wedding.  They were married for 50 years when Newman died so they must have taken the advice to heart. 

After 35 years of marriage I can tell you that these points are all worthy of consideration.  A good marriage doesn't just happen.....it happens because two people work hard toward that goal.  Let me assure those of you in the early years that all that work is totally worth it......no lie, totally worth it!

  "The Art Of Marriage" by Wilferd A. Peterson
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In the art of marriage the little things are the big things...

It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years.   It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude
of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best.
 

"The Child Whisperer"

I spent last weekend with my sister's kids.  I had a great time.  She and her husband had a job to do elsewhere and they called me in to stay with Eliot (9) and Owen (almost 7).  They are great kids.  Their parents have worked really hard to help them be kind, loving, empathetic, patient, and caring of others.  They've succeeded as far as I can tell.

While I was there I taught Owen to tie his shoes.  I've taught Owen a couple of other things in the past....how to use the potty, how to swim....that kind of thing.  But the shoe tie lessons were really very easy.  He was eager to learn this new skill and worked hard to conquer it.  He's a smarty and saw right away what needed to be done.  He just had to work a bit to make his fingers do what he wanted them to do.  I showed him a few times, encouraged him a lot and just watched him learn this new skill.  My sister was very impressed and wrote a really sweet note on her facebook page calling me "the child whisperer". 

I want to say a few things about that.....first, and least important, is that I like kids.  I like watching them become the people they are becoming.  I like the way they think and the way they learn and the way they live....right in the moment, real and totally here.  We forget how to do that as adult worries and concerns worm their way into our minds.  Kids are concerned about real stuff....the dark, their dog, who got the biggest piece of brownie....you know what I mean.  They don't really care about who gets elected or who won the debate.  They process life in a much simpler and more immediate way. I like that about kids.  And let me add that kids know who likes them....they have very specific radar for those that care about them.  They know and they respond to those that appreciate them.

The second, and more important, thing I want to say is this.....I had great material to work with in Owen.  His parents have encouraged curiosity and exploration.  They've raised a child that sees an opportunity to learn a new thing as a chance to conquer the unknown.   They've not sheltered him from difficulty and failure.  Shoe laces don't always cooperate and he didn't get overly frustrated or give up.  He's used to working for it because his parents don't make life too easy for him.  They encourage him so that he knows they have confidence in him and his ability to learn new tasks.  The first time he successfully tied the shoe himself he said, "my mom and dad are going to love this!!"   And he was right....they did.  He is my hero because he was willing to learn, struggled with the learning and beat that shoe lace into submission.  He is a great kid....and you can thank his parents for that!!

The Art of Marriage

This is on a canvas hanging on the wall of my office:

"A good marriage must be created.  In marriage, the little things are the big things.  It is never being too old to hold hands.  It is remembering to say "I Love You" at the end of each day.  It is never going to bed angry.  It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.  It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.  It is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.  It is not only marrying the right person, it is being the right partner."

The fact that I bought it at Cracker Barrel doesn't diminsh the message despite the kitsch......

A Self-Confident Daughter

These are hard times to raise a daughter.  Television, print media, the Internet, movies and other cultural influences bear down on our children making our influence more important than ever.  The message they hear from outside is one of unattainable beauty and perfection.  The message they hear from you must be more real and personal.  So, here are five suggestions for building your daughter's self confidence.  There are a ton more but here are my first thoughts:

1.  Be intentional.  Awareness that you need to do something is the first step.  You can't ignore the fact that her self-image is being formed whether you are involved or not.  It is happening.  She is deciding what she believes about herself, others and her world even as you read this.  So, be intentional about helping her form a healthy view of all those things.  This will require you to consider how you view these things as your example will speak loudest to her.  Her self-image is the foundation for her self-confidence.  Be intentional about helping her develop a healthy self image and that will lead to healthy self-confidence.

2.  Listen to her.  This isn't always as easy as it sounds.  We all live busy lives....jobs, friends, our other kids, iPhone or Blackberry, TV, radio are only a few of the things that contribute to the distraction.  Turn them off or turn them down.  Turn your face toward your child and truly listen to what she is saying.  You know how you feel when you speak to them and they keep looking at the TV?  That is how they feel when you don't give them your full attention.  So, listen and listen more than you talk.

3.  Allow her to be who she is.  For some parents this is very easy.  If you have a child that is much like you, never deviates from your plan for them or is exactly what you expect them to be (and if this is you I'd like to meet you) then letting them be who they are is easy peasy.  However, if you are like most of us, you occasionally look at your child and think, "What on earth are they thinking?" or "Why in the name of all that is holy would they do that?"  These are natural thoughts for parents raising children that are not their clones (and, really, that is all of us).  So here is what you do.....embrace who she is and encourage her to be just that.  Value and encourage her uniqueness.  She knows she is different.....let her know that you believe that is awesome!

4.  Let her know you have her back.  Unconditionally and without reserve.  The world is a tough place and it will help her to know that you are always there for support, love, a cup of tea, a manicure, chocolate ice cream...whatever she needs.  The day will come (probably sometime during Middle School) when she feels like NO ONE has her back so tell her early and often that you are her biggest fan....even when she screws it up or makes mistakes.  Actually, you should have her back even more when she screws it up or makes mistakes.  This doesn't mean that you never correct her or there is no discipline but it does mean that coated throughout the correction and discipline is a layer of love and support.

5.  Help her value the journey.  Life is a journey.  Who do you know that has arrived?  No one.  We are all on this journey.  We all struggle, fail occasionally, try again and keep on keeping on.  Share your journey, your struggles and your triumphs (in an age appropriate manner).  It will encourage her to know that your life isn't perfect and you are on a journey....just like her!  This sort of openness will encourage her to share likewise.  My dad used to say, "If you never drill a dry hole, you aren't drilling enough." (he was a Petroleum Engineer)  This gave me permission to fail and that was very helpful.  He embraced the journey and taught me to do the same.

I know I said five things but I have one more.....pray for her and with her.  Thank God for the wonderful person that she is becoming and ask Him to be with you as her parent.  He, the ultimate parent, will listen without distraction.  He has your back!

Which is Your Favorite Child?

There was a debate earlier in the week on The Today Show (something I watch every morning) about a blogger that wrote about having a favorite child.  His supposition was that no matter what parents said they really did have a favorite.  Now, I wish I was sitting in front of every person reading this because I would love to know what your initial response is to that statement.  I think that nearly everyone would have the politically correct words coming out of their mouth ("oh no, that's not true!" or "of course, I love all of them equally!") but I would be able to tell by the look on your face whether or not you really believed what you were saying.  I'm pretty intuitive. 

So, which is it?  Do you have a favorite?  Are you willing to admit it and name the child you favor?  Is that guy full of it and, of course, no one has a favorite?  I think the answer is slightly more complex than that.

Human relationships are complex.  A parent's love is probably the strongest love there is among humans.  People naturally feel drawn to or repelled by others and I think parents are the same....I mean, they are people too, right?

So, who is your favorite?  Well, if it helps any I'll reveal my favorite.....

Adam is my favorite because he is my firstborn.  We tried for many years to have a baby and were beyond thrilled when we became pregnant.  I rejoiced every time I threw up with morning sickness....no kidding.  He was a wonder and miracle and perfect all wrapped up in one chubby little boy.  As he grew he was fun and sweet and loved to share his life with us.  He filled our house with beautiful music and currently advocates for refugees.  We are beyond proud of him.  Absolutely my favorite.

Ryan is my favorite because we had two miscarriages before we got pregnant with him.  We worked hard for that baby and had some heartbreak along the way.  He was a sweet baby with an infectious belly laugh that echoed throughout our home.  He has grown up to be a smart, logical, loving man that fills us with pride in the man that he is becoming.  His passion for helping the students he teaches is amazing.  Yep, definitely my favorite.

Taylor is my favorite because he gives the BEST bear hugs.....bar none.  I defy anyone to show me someone who does it better.  He is without a doubt the most mellow and laid back person I have ever had the pleasure to know.  He has been that way since birth and I marvel that he came from my womb.  His comfort level with himself is astounding.  He is artsy, creative, and courageous.  He never gives up.  He is quite obviously my favorite.

Leah is my favorite because she is the only girl.  She shops with me, gets mani/pedis with me and is really my clone.  She is so much like me I sometimes feel like we are one person in two bodies.  She is my friend and sweet girl.  We never even had that classic mother/daughter conflict when she was a teenager.  I enjoy her enthusiasm for life and her care and concern for others.  How can she NOT be my favorite?  Totally, my favorite.   

Okay, so I cheated but let's be honest.  As great as they all are, haven't they all gotten on my nerves at one point and I considered sending them back to the hospital?  Oh, heck, yeah!  (unfortunately there are no returns during the teen years)  No relationship is without it's bumps.  Everyone brings something different to the table and even if I don't get or like it, they bring it.  It's important to value all of them for what and who they are.  It's the whole of the picture that is the important thing.  It's what we all are together.  That is my favorite. 

One last thing......my REAL favorite is their dad.  Please don't tell my kids I said that. 

My Shameful Confession

I'm going to confess a shameful secret here.  Don't judge me.  Please.  I have to give a little background first so maybe you won't be so harsh in your judgement (because you will judge, that is the way of people everywhere).

I began to try to get pregnant in the Spring of 1980.  My mom had no problem so I assumed I would have no problem.....that was a false assumption.  Five years of tests, pills, surgeries, and sex every other night (whether you were in the mood or not) followed until we finally got pregnant.  I became pregnant in May of 1985 and Adam was born in February of 1986.  I won't bore you with the gritty details of what followed but I will say that I had three more babies by October of 1991.  When Leah was born, Adam was 5 years and 8 months, Ryan was 3 years and 8 months, Taylor was 2 years and 5 months.  In the middle of all of that I had 2 miscarriages and I nursed all of them (Leah for 13 months as she wouldn't put anything synthetic in her mouth....she has always been my pickiest eater)
It should be sufficient to say that these were exhausting years that stretched me to the utter limits of my patience, strength, and perseverance.  As my children grew I developed a rich and wondrous fantasy life.....thus my shameful secret.

I used to drive past apartment complexes and wish I lived there.  Alone.  Just me.  In a little tiny apartment.  Maybe a table to eat at with a few dishes for cooking.  I'd only have to buy quarts of milk instead of a gallon a day.  A loaf of bread would last me a month.  I could watch whatever I wanted on TV and, even better, I could go to the bathroom in peace.  No one would need me to wipe their bottom, blow their nose, clean up their messes, or mediate their fights.  No one would expect me to know where the Blue Power Ranger was or use my tampons as weapons of mass destruction in their war games with their brothers.  There would be no peeing on the floor around the toilet or unending loads of laundry.  There would only be me....my stuff....what I want.

Now, you may be thinking my next sentences are going to be about the wonders of sweet children who you love and who love you so much....precious hugs and butterfly kisses.....the wonder of sleeping angels and belly laughing munchkins.  You would be wrong.

Here is what I want to say.....hang in there.  This too shall pass.  Time will march on and the days when you are their sole source of entertainment, discipline and caretaking will pass.  They will grow up.  If you have done your job well they will be independent and productive people.  They will leave you and this is a bittersweet thing.  Sweet because you will get your life back.....bitter because you will remember those days when they needed you so much and be very, very glad you didn't actually have that little apartment. 

It's tough when you are in the trenches raising children.  Remember that this will pass, you are not alone, and apartment rent is much higher than you think.

What is your definition of "Cute"

I want to say a word or two about what I think is "cute".  Little puppies, kindergartners with no front teeth, smiling babies, Darlene's new mustard color pants.  You may have a different criteria because there are lots of cute things out there in our world.

Now, I want to say something about things that aren't cute.  It isn't cute when kids are sassy....I don't care how old you are or how young.  My 77 year old mother doesn't think it's cute when I'm sassy to her and I don't think it's any cuter when my 20 year old daughter sasses me (thankfully neither of those things happen very often at all!).  It isn't cute when married people put each other down, argue or in any other way disrespect each other.  Jokes at another person's expense, especially one you have promised to love and honor, are not funny....ever.

But the thing that is really not cute....ever or for any reason....is misbehaving children.  I will admit that sometimes they do funny things when they misbehave.  I remember one day my mom was trying to give my little sister a well deserved spanking.  My sister was running around the back yard with her hand on her bottom screaming at the top of her lungs, "don't beat me....don't beat me".  My mom started laughing and had to sit down she was laughing so hard.  It was a very funny moment and my mom had her laugh.  Then she caught up with my sister and spanked her.  She didn't let the funny stuff get in the way of discipline. 

And that's really what one of the main purposes of parenting is....isn't it?  Discipline.  Discipline that leads to your children learning to be self-disciplined.  Self-discipline is what helps them be organized about their school work, it helps them make good decisions and proper choices, it helps them filter what they think and feel into socially appropriate behaviors.  People with no self-discipline are difficult people to be around. 

So often when we hear the word "discipline" it has a negative connotation.  We think of harsh punishment...spanking perhaps, tears certainly.  Our kids will dislike us and after many years talk bad about us on Oprah.  Well, that is not true....trust me.  Kids want boundaries.  They appreciate knowing where the line is and exactly what you will do if they cross it.  Harshness isn't a requirement....consistency and intentionality is.  Your discipline of them should lead to their own self-discipline. 

Don't fool yourself....bad behaviors at 3, 4, and 5 lead to completely unmanageable behaviors at 13, 14 and 15.  You plant seeds when they are little.  Please plant seeds of respect, honor, obedience, and self-discipline.  I saw a sign in a church fellowship hall once that said, "Thank you for controlling your children.  Their manners are a reflection of your love for them."  I thought that genius.

The Care and Feeding of Myself

Re-read the title of this installment, please.  This is something that I fail at....miserably.  It's really easy for me to get caught up in the next project, the minutiae of the day, and/or simply putting one step in front of the other.  I tend to have a more outward focus on the people, places and things around me.  I'm an extravert....through and through.  That's not a bad thing (IMHO) but it does have a dark side (sort of like the Force).  I tend to ignore my own need to stop occasionally and be at peace.  Frankly, it's hard to hear what God is saying to me when I'm yammering all the time. 

This summer I had several people ask me what I do to nurture my own spiritual self.  This is a question that took me off guard every time it was asked.  The third time I heard it I began to figure that God was trying to tell me something.  Maybe something like this...."Please slow down and stop doing....planning.....thinking...just be."  I think He's trying to tell me something and I'm too busy to listen.  This is not a good long term plan.

So, here is my short term plan.  I'm going to Summit at ACU.  Today.  Abilene Christian University holds this event every year.  It used to be called "Lectureship"....they wisely changed the name to Summit and bill it as "a conversation where life and faith converge in Christ."  It's a series of lectures (really) and worship times.  Summit offers renewal and refreshment.  Part of me cannot wait....part of me dreads it (it's been a long time since I sat and listened to an adult talk for any length of time....not sure I can do this).  All of me knows this will be good for me.  I need this so I'm going.

Please pray for me (and Jeff, as he will be with me).  Please ask God to give me patience and an attention span longer than your average 3 year old.  Please ask God to give me an open mind and that renewal indeed be the outcome.  Finally, pray for a safe journey there and back again.  Thanks. 

See you later in the week!!!

Perspective

As I consider where my thoughts are going today I'm struck with the word "perspective"..... so much of our life is about perspective.  Our perspective of the world.....how others see us.....how we see them.  You know what I mean.  I tried hard to teach my kids to think in the other person's shoes or see out of another person's eyes. 

Sometimes my perspective is skewed and I'm okay with that.  There is a door I walk in every day as I come to work.  It's double doors, actually....two glass doors.  You will NEVER see me walking up to the left door.  It offers a true reflection of myself.  The right door, however, offers me a reflection that is at least 15 pounds lighter.  What rational woman wouldn't choose the door on the right? 

Sometimes other's perspectives of me are skewed and that hurts.  I probably don't have to give an example.  We've all been there.  Someone assumes something about you, acts upon that assumption in an unpleasant way, and you are hurt.  Perspective can be skewed.

How we as Americans are being seen is especially hurtful these days.  People are protesting and people are dying.  I'm haunted by the deaths of the Ambassador and other personnel in Libya.  One of the men had children....that always makes it worse.  And, we are told this is all over an independent film that has a message the protesters don't appreciate.  News reports indicate this is untrue, however, as the nature of the attacks look more organized than the "angry protesting mob" type.  Regardless, people are angry and violent.

How we see the protesters isn't much better.  I don't know about you but I tend to think of that whole area of "middle east" as dry, dusty, and full of violent, hateful people.  (That is perhaps overstating my impression as I have a child that works with refugees from this area and he helps me see these things differently)  Certainly if you watch tv or other media that is all you see.....screaming, torch wielding madmen hating on America.  Yet surely there are peaceful, loving families that live in that region of the world. 

How do the protesters/terrorists see us?  The world's police....moving into other countries wielding our big stick and telling them how they must govern/live/work/drill their oil?  Secretive and powerful?  Sending spies in to topple governments or assassinate leaders?  Allies of those that would make others homeless?  I'm not saying any of this is true (or not true) but I am saying we must consider the perspective of others. 

Then there is the video I saw of Curiosity's landing on Mars.  Thanks, Alan Chapman, for posting.  It is frightening how small and insignificant this video makes me feel.  How far away and inconsequential our world is from the perspective of Curiosity and Mars.  Then my mind goes to God and I wonder about His perspective.  He created and his creation fell.....we fuss, argue, kill one another, hate each other....we are broken people.  We are fatally flawed....doomed.  And yet, He loves us.  He came here for us.  He came in the most humble, weak and vulnerable state in which a person can find themselves.....a newborn baby.   We don't appreciate that enough. 

We continue to fail Him as we sin and re-sin and still....He Loves.  He loves with unbounded compassion and mercy without end.  If we are striving for God's perspective (which we definitely should be doing!!) these are traits we must attempt to fill our hearts with.......love and compassion and mercy.  That's not always easy considering our perspective and what we perceive to be other's perspectives but Jesus didn't give up and neither should we.

What Does "Embody" Mean?

I went to a conference on Saturday that stirred my  heart and made me think.  Dr. Monte Cox, Dean of the College of Bible and Ministry at Harding University said lots of stuff that was really great but one thing stuck with me.  It kept turning over in my head and giving me little heart twinges so this is what I'm going to share.

He asked the following question, (I'm going to put it in quotes but you understand it's probably not exact....this is how I remember it)  "How do we embody Christ if we sit in church on Sunday morning, worshipping God, and then act rude to our waitress at lunch?"

I call them "heart twinges" but, honestly, it's gotta be guilt.  I do come to church and worship on Sunday!  I check all the boxes.  Dress appropriately?  (check)  Say "Hello, how are ya?" to my fellow members? (check)  Ask an obviously lost visitor if I can help them find their way? (check)  I'm nice.  I love God.  I worship.  That all makes me feel real good......

Do I embody Christ the other 110.5 hours a week?  (Formula: 24 hrs X 7 days = 168 hrs - 56 hrs of sleeping = 112 awake hrs - 1.5 hours of church= 110.5 hours/wk I'm awake and not in church).

The dictionary says that "embody" means "represent" or "materialize".  Synonyms include "actualize", "complete", "demonstrate", "epitomize", "exemplify".  The one that really speaks to me is "stand for".  Do I "stand for" Christ?  Would the average person I run into on a daily basis know that I "stand for" anything?  Much less Christ?  I would hope so.  And before you think I'm beating myself up too much, I think most days I do okay.  I try to treat others the way I would want to be treated.  I try to consider what Jesus would do in a situation and emulate that.  I try to consider the fruits of my actions and life in relation to the Holy Spirit - do my actions bring or show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness or self-control?  (some of these 'fruits' I do better than others:)

It's easy at Church.  My question is this.....do I live my faith outside of Church?  Do I "embody" Christ?  Do I behave like a child of God in my everyday life? 

Here is where it comes to.  I live in a place where people assume that if you are a Christ follower you believe certain things.  Some of these people are pretty rabid about this notion.  I don't always agree with them about what Jesus would have found to be important.  I don't think Jesus would care about illegal immigration (after all, his parents fled to another country when he was a baby to save his life).  I cannot believe that Jesus would care two figs for our economy. (he was an itinerant preacher)  I can't believe Jesus would get caught up in arguments about stem cell research, birth control, gay rights or abortion.   Matthew 25:31-46 tells me exactly what Jesus values.  We are told that Jesus would care about the poor, the prisoner, the sick, the homeless and the hurting.  What separates the sheep from the goats?  Not if they went to church or where they stood on some political parties platform.   It's how you treated "the least of these" (v. 40 & 45)  This is a story that convicts me.  This is where my guilt comes from.  It's not enough to be nice and come to church.  To embody Christ is to care about others in a way that is unusual for our times and culture. 

I want to close by saying that I believe church is important.  I think community is invaluable.  Worship with other believers is food for our souls.  But beneath it all let's not let our attendance at church make us feel better than or above _________ (you fill in your own blank).  Let's not check off that box and feel satisfied with our own innate goodness.  I'm grateful that God cares for sinners because I are one!  I'm very grateful Jesus came to bridge the enormous gap between me and God because of my sin.  I want to live a life that embodies Christ.  I want to "stand for" Him.

Is He Dragging You?

I saw this on someone's facebook page yesterday (sorry, can't remember who...you'll discover why if you keep reading).  It made me laugh out loud.  Not LOL...like virtual laughing but literally laughing out into the silence....out loud. 

I think it made me laugh because of some struggles I've been having of late.  He's been dragging me and I just hadn't recognized it or been grateful for it.  I would like to rectify that. 

Recognition Phase:  If you are not a woman in the middle part of your life you may not get this.  It's difficult for me to admit it but I've been having some....."issues" (think air quotes here).  I've been anxious and jumpy.  I haven't been sleeping....I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.  I wake up tired (duh!).  I'm a bit foggy in my thinking and I weep for no reason.  The worst is I feel like ripping someone's head off....not anyone in particular, just anyone will do (I actually feel rather cheery about this).  I finally admitted one day that my emotions had shrunk to a range of two - crying and rage.  This is not a happy place to be and it isn't especially pleasant for those who have to live with me.  No surprise there, either.  I took myself to a doctor who performed some tests, made some recomendations and is organizing a plan of treatment that is holistic and organic (along with some really good drugs).  I expect to be better any day now.

Grateful Phase:  It goes without saying (although I AM saying it) that I am grateful to my husband for putting up with me for the last six weeks or so.  He has lived with my snarky/don't touch me/quick give me a hug/weepy/angry/anxious self and he has been incredibly patient and loving.  I married a good man.   My kids are mostly out on their own so they aren't suffering as much although I did have an epic battle with my daughter one day that surpassed anything we ever experienced while she was a teenager at home.  Bless her heart, she was so baffled by her crazy-acting mom....and me?  I just couldn't seem to stop the insanity.  Fortunately she has enough of her dad in her to forgive and love me.  My co-workers have suffered (you know who you are, Van) and my friends have only done marginally better as I've largely ignored everyone as a mechanism to save friendships I cherish.   I have a lot to be grateful for!!

However, most of my gratitude is for God.  Even though He is the one that created this body that is aging and falling apart, He is also the one that promises to strengthen me, give me rest and never be separated from me.  He saves me.....on many levels and in many ways.  It seems that I rarely walk beside him (as the trite little story goes).   More often he carries me and sometimes he drags me....kicking and screaming or limp from weariness.  I'll take his love and care any way I can get it.  Thank you, Lord!!!

Grant and Leah

This is Grant and Leah.  For those of you who know me you know that Leah is my daughter.  My youngest child and only daughter.  She is a Senior at Abilene Christian University and while she was there she met Grant.  They fell in love and plan to get married next June.  Isn't the above picture cute?  Let me tell you about that moment.

We had planned a family trip to San Antonio for a weekend near the end of August.  Leah left early Friday morning and drove to Austin (where Grant has a new job and new apartment).  She was waiting for the delivery of a couch.  When Grant got home from work they left Austin to join us in San Antonio.  On the way there he stopped the car under the guise of a possible flat tire and when she got out to look he was down on one knee with "the ring".  She said "YES!!" and did a happy dance all the way to San Antonio.  We were thrilled.  We love Grant.

The picture!  Get to the picture!

So, the next morning (she's still doing the happy dance....I was afraid her cheeks would break from all the smiling) we go to breakfast and I'm sitting across from Grant.  At some point as I'm looking at him I think to myself, "there he is.  There's that little boy I've been praying for all of her life."   And it's true.  We prayed for him to be loving and love God, to be strong and brave, to be sweet and gentle, to be someone that could care about her happiness and her soul.  And there he was....all that we had prayed for.  It was a moment that had me swallowing back the lump in my throat.  God is good and He answers prayers.

I know that someone reading this has a small child so let me encourage you to pray for your child's future mate.  He or she is out there being parented, living a life, and becoming the person your child will love and make a life with.  Don't let that be a scary thought...let that motivate you to pray for that child.  You'll meet them one day and be glad you did!

By the way, that monstrosity sitting on the table between us?  We were at a place that prides itself on its 3 POUND CINNAMON ROLLS!!!!!  Oh yeah!  Good stuff!

I'm back and my only excuse is I'm an ENFP!!

It has been 3 years, 2 months and 17 days since I posted on this blog.  My only excuse is I'm an ENFP.  This may make you scratch your head but I promise you my husband is smiling.  He's smiling because he is a Myers-Briggs Personality Type consultant and he understands me.

I am an Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling Perceiver and one of the things they do very, very well is start up a project and then move on to start another.....often giving little thought to the projects they are leaving behind in the dust of their mind.  **let me take a moment here to apologize to everyone that has been left behind on a project I initiated or talked you into initiating.  I am so, so sorry!!!**

And so this blog falls under that category.  Unfinished business.  Stuff I've left hanging.  It sits in the back of my mind until I get tired of considering what to do and finally just...do.  So, here I am....again...trying to get my thoughts on electronic paper.  I don't know who will read this but I'm here and I'll try to stick.....no promises.  Once an ENFP, always an ENFP after all. 

What has finally brought me back is several things:  the political climate of the day, the state of our marriages and families, other blogs I would like to share, and just generally some things I want to say.  Social media and other blogs have me talking to my computer and I figured maybe I'd just write some of it down and share it.  We'll see how it goes.