Do you ever outgrow your difficulties with your siblings? I have a friend who recently had a squabble with an older sibling and they are both grownups. My dad's sisters often have spats and they are in their 70's and 80's. My kids, in their 20's, recently had a disagreement.
I think there are many reasons for this. Primarily, we tend to fall back into the old patterns of our childhood when we are with our family. The oldest tends to be a bit bossy, the baby tends to seek attention and the middle child just wants everyone to get along. Add the stress of illness, big celebration or a holiday and these old patterns can cause conflict. I speak in generalities but if you examine your family dynamics I think you'll see what I'm talking about.
So, what's a person/parent to do? As a parent I would say...stay out of it!! Especially if your kids are grown, or nearly so, as mine are. They have to learn to deal with each other and my interference isn't going to help. I encourage them to be kind and respectful of one another and I individually encourage them by letting them know that I love them. They are unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses. They must learn to get along with others for that is something they will do all of their lives.
As a person, member of a family just like everyone else's, I have much the same advice. Be kind, respect one another and remember that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is our uniqueness that makes us interesting and fun. And let me get on my most oft used soapbox one more time: your kids are watching!! How you treat your family is going to teach them about how families should treat one another.
Kathy
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The third option
I heard the most amazing thing on the Today Show this morning. There was a marriage and family expert posing the following question: Are children better off living with parents that argue or parents that are divorced. I found this discussion so frustrating because she was leaving out the most obvious third option. Children are better off living with two parents that get along!!
Now, I want to say that sometimes one doesn't have an option on this. If one parent wants to walk away that isn't something the other parent can do anything about. That is a doomed relationship....no matter what you want or do. I'm not really addressing this kind of sad situation. I'm talking about two people who simply cannot get along.
I want to say that honoring your family, your relationships, your vows, and your self (for goodness sake) is what is called for. If you can't get along or you find yourself perpetually unhappy or dissatisfied then figure it out....fix it! Get counselling, talk to a friend (a positive friend in a good relationship), talk to your spouse, read a marriage enrichment book but do something to make it better. Walking away is not the answer. Continuing to fight each other is not the answer. Laying down and playing dead is not the answer. Waiting for your kids to grow up so you can leave is REALLY not the answer. Be a warrior for your marriage! Fight for it!!! You wanted it once and you can want it again!
Can you tell that expert on the Today Show got my dander up??? Sheesh!
Kathy
Now, I want to say that sometimes one doesn't have an option on this. If one parent wants to walk away that isn't something the other parent can do anything about. That is a doomed relationship....no matter what you want or do. I'm not really addressing this kind of sad situation. I'm talking about two people who simply cannot get along.
I want to say that honoring your family, your relationships, your vows, and your self (for goodness sake) is what is called for. If you can't get along or you find yourself perpetually unhappy or dissatisfied then figure it out....fix it! Get counselling, talk to a friend (a positive friend in a good relationship), talk to your spouse, read a marriage enrichment book but do something to make it better. Walking away is not the answer. Continuing to fight each other is not the answer. Laying down and playing dead is not the answer. Waiting for your kids to grow up so you can leave is REALLY not the answer. Be a warrior for your marriage! Fight for it!!! You wanted it once and you can want it again!
Can you tell that expert on the Today Show got my dander up??? Sheesh!
Kathy
Monday, June 15, 2009
Back to the Future
In the movie "Back to the Future" Michael J. Fox travels back in time to the beginning of his parent's relationship. The movie begins with his parents having a not so great relationship. Fox's character effects some changes in their past which makes for a much improved relationship by movie's end. The point here is what we do in the present affects our future.
I bring this up because it occurred to me this morning that Jeff and I are in an incredibly sweet spot in our lives. I've posted about this before but let me say it again! We are almost to the point where we have each other, and only each other, back. Our youngest child is off to college this August. All four of our kids will be in college in the Fall and we'll have only each other. Think about it.....just him and me banging around in that big old house....just the two of us. No one else to buffer or consider as we live our daily lives.
If thinking about you and your spouse in this situation fills you with dread then you have some work to do. Never doubt that this day will come for you too. One day your children will grow up and leave home. Raising healthy, independent children should be one of the goals of parenting. They will leave and you will look at your spouse and say one of two things: "Yippee" or "Who the heck are you?" I over simplify the situation but you get my point.
Our relationship is almost like a third entity in our marriage. There is me, there is him and there is "us". We have been working on the "us" part for a while now. When our kids get irritated that we go out to eat alone we tell them "we're working on us". When we take a short vacation together without them we tell them "we're making us stronger". We've been "mom" and "dad" for so long and we are expending some energy finding our way back to "Kathy" and "Jeff". We'll always be mom and dad but we are very much looking forward to being Kathy and Jeff again.
So think about your future because it is coming sure as the sun rises and sets each day. Be proactive about your relationship. Reorder your priorities if necessary. Remember vows you made and how you felt when you made them. Look to your future and do today what needs to be done to ensure a happy outcome for happiness often does not occur by accident. More often it happens because we have worked really hard to ensure it!
Kathy
I bring this up because it occurred to me this morning that Jeff and I are in an incredibly sweet spot in our lives. I've posted about this before but let me say it again! We are almost to the point where we have each other, and only each other, back. Our youngest child is off to college this August. All four of our kids will be in college in the Fall and we'll have only each other. Think about it.....just him and me banging around in that big old house....just the two of us. No one else to buffer or consider as we live our daily lives.
If thinking about you and your spouse in this situation fills you with dread then you have some work to do. Never doubt that this day will come for you too. One day your children will grow up and leave home. Raising healthy, independent children should be one of the goals of parenting. They will leave and you will look at your spouse and say one of two things: "Yippee" or "Who the heck are you?" I over simplify the situation but you get my point.
Our relationship is almost like a third entity in our marriage. There is me, there is him and there is "us". We have been working on the "us" part for a while now. When our kids get irritated that we go out to eat alone we tell them "we're working on us". When we take a short vacation together without them we tell them "we're making us stronger". We've been "mom" and "dad" for so long and we are expending some energy finding our way back to "Kathy" and "Jeff". We'll always be mom and dad but we are very much looking forward to being Kathy and Jeff again.
So think about your future because it is coming sure as the sun rises and sets each day. Be proactive about your relationship. Reorder your priorities if necessary. Remember vows you made and how you felt when you made them. Look to your future and do today what needs to be done to ensure a happy outcome for happiness often does not occur by accident. More often it happens because we have worked really hard to ensure it!
Kathy
Saturday, June 13, 2009
How are we born?
Those of you who know me know that I am tip-top of my head deep in VBS and have absolutely no time to post. However, I saw a bumper sticker today that almost made me pull my car over. I was struck by the utter truth of this little piece of paper stuck to the bumper ahead of me in traffic. It said, "NO ONE'S BORN A BIGOT". I was, and continue to be, blown away by this rather simple statement.
It was Sigmund Freud who touted the concept of 'tabula rosa'. He said that we are 'blank slates' upon birth and it is largely one's family and upbringing that make us who we are. I don't know if I believe that wholy but I do believe that prejudice, bigotry and hatred are taught. Children are born to love and be loved. It is the adults in their lives that teach them otherwise. Teaching with words and actions our children learn to love and hate.
Dr. David Elkins is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and is responsible for one of my favorite quotes:
“Certainly the most important thing parents can do for their children’s spiritual development is embody and practice spiritual values in their own lives…If parents place spiritual values above material ones; if they are kind to each other, love their children, value their friends, and treat others with fairness; if they seek to rid their own hearts of racism, sexism, and other forms of intolerance; if they speak up for the dispossessed and engage in compassionate actions in their world; if they love God and treat their neighbor with respect – their children will observe and absorb these values.”
No one's born a bigot......indeed! What are your children learning?
Kathy
It was Sigmund Freud who touted the concept of 'tabula rosa'. He said that we are 'blank slates' upon birth and it is largely one's family and upbringing that make us who we are. I don't know if I believe that wholy but I do believe that prejudice, bigotry and hatred are taught. Children are born to love and be loved. It is the adults in their lives that teach them otherwise. Teaching with words and actions our children learn to love and hate.
Dr. David Elkins is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and is responsible for one of my favorite quotes:
“Certainly the most important thing parents can do for their children’s spiritual development is embody and practice spiritual values in their own lives…If parents place spiritual values above material ones; if they are kind to each other, love their children, value their friends, and treat others with fairness; if they seek to rid their own hearts of racism, sexism, and other forms of intolerance; if they speak up for the dispossessed and engage in compassionate actions in their world; if they love God and treat their neighbor with respect – their children will observe and absorb these values.”
No one's born a bigot......indeed! What are your children learning?
Kathy
Saturday, May 30, 2009
"Up" Review
It is difficult to know where to begin in describing this delicious movie. First, let me say take a tissue! I cried throughout the movie and tears really flowed on three separate occasions. These were tears of sadness only once and, parents be warned, there is a very sad scene early on in the movie. The other tears came because my heart was touched.
This movie is about adventure, loss, friendship, love in many forms, and very distractible dogs. It will make you laugh, think and cry. All four of my children reported tears (and three of them are boys in their 20's!). It isn't really appropriate for very young children. There are intense scenes of danger and some violence - the bad guy shoots at the good guys with a shotgun - but all in all it is a fine movie with many valuable lessons for those old enough to understand.
At its heart "Up" is about knowing that the journey is the thing and not the destination. The friends and loved ones we gain and lose along the way are what make the journey enjoyable. I loved the movie but you'll need to pardon me now because I need to go blot my eyes and wipe my nose.
Kathy
This movie is about adventure, loss, friendship, love in many forms, and very distractible dogs. It will make you laugh, think and cry. All four of my children reported tears (and three of them are boys in their 20's!). It isn't really appropriate for very young children. There are intense scenes of danger and some violence - the bad guy shoots at the good guys with a shotgun - but all in all it is a fine movie with many valuable lessons for those old enough to understand.
At its heart "Up" is about knowing that the journey is the thing and not the destination. The friends and loved ones we gain and lose along the way are what make the journey enjoyable. I loved the movie but you'll need to pardon me now because I need to go blot my eyes and wipe my nose.
Kathy
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Help! My kid is mad at me!
What is the job of a parent? If there were a job description, which there isn't, it would be too complex to follow. Parents must be many things but nowhere does it say that I should be my kids friend. It also doesn't say that I should strive to make them happy all the time and especially happy with me. In fact, sometimes it is precisely the job of a parent to say and do things that may make our children upset with us.
I have a friend whose daughter wants a Facebook page and he is opposed. You may be asking yourself what is wrong with that because your child has a Facebook page (doesn't everyone?) but he is opposed because his child is not yet the approved age by Facebook. Facebook says that you can't have a page until you are 13 and this dad believes that following the rules is important. He's trying to set the right example and teach his daughter that rules need to be followed. She, as you might expect, is throwing all of the typical pre-teen/teen cliches at him. "All of my friends have one"...."no one follows those stupid rules"....."you're ruining my social life"...etc. If you are a parent I'm sure you can imagine what life must be like for my friend.
So, what's a dad to do? I've encouraged him to stand firm. If following the rules is one of your values (and it should be) then stick with it. Children really do want boundaries. They want parents to care enough to make rules. They may bitterly complain but they still want to know that you fight for their best welfare.
Some of my favorite parenting advice goes like this: "BE THE PARENT!" That is precisely what he's doing.
Kathy
I have a friend whose daughter wants a Facebook page and he is opposed. You may be asking yourself what is wrong with that because your child has a Facebook page (doesn't everyone?) but he is opposed because his child is not yet the approved age by Facebook. Facebook says that you can't have a page until you are 13 and this dad believes that following the rules is important. He's trying to set the right example and teach his daughter that rules need to be followed. She, as you might expect, is throwing all of the typical pre-teen/teen cliches at him. "All of my friends have one"...."no one follows those stupid rules"....."you're ruining my social life"...etc. If you are a parent I'm sure you can imagine what life must be like for my friend.
So, what's a dad to do? I've encouraged him to stand firm. If following the rules is one of your values (and it should be) then stick with it. Children really do want boundaries. They want parents to care enough to make rules. They may bitterly complain but they still want to know that you fight for their best welfare.
Some of my favorite parenting advice goes like this: "BE THE PARENT!" That is precisely what he's doing.
Kathy
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jon and Kate
This Jon and Kate thing is really bothering me. If you've been stuck on a desert island for the last few months you may not know what I'm talking about but I'll bet most of you do. Jon and Kate of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame are having serious marital problems. There are lots of reasons for this and many opinions on what to do about it. Just google "Jon and Kate" and you can read most of what's out there. Lots of vitriol, buckets of sarcasm, and a ton of opinion. I'm sure most of what is reported as "fact" is really not true but I know what I heard from their lips and that is why I'm bothered.
Last night on their season opener they discussed their maritial difficulties...sort of. They didn't say much but what they did say really bugged! Kate said that she got up in the morning for her kids, breathed for her kids, stayed for her kids and did everything for her kids. Jon said much the same thing just not as dramatically. I think his words were "I'm here". They both reiterated that they would do anything for their children who are their priority.
On the surface these are fine words and sentiments but underneath the surface these words are representative of what their problem really is. They haven't put their own relationship first. Some other thing or things has preceded their relationship on their "Truly Important Things" list.
Now I'm not going to say what I think they should do because I'm not them and I don't live their life. However, I am going to say they should figure out how to put each other and the relationship they've formed back at the top of that list. That is what will be best for those children that are their priority. Children are important, special, prized, etc etc etc but they will grow up one day and leave you. If you play your cards right, your spouse never will. If you play your cards really well you won't want them to.
Kathy
Last night on their season opener they discussed their maritial difficulties...sort of. They didn't say much but what they did say really bugged! Kate said that she got up in the morning for her kids, breathed for her kids, stayed for her kids and did everything for her kids. Jon said much the same thing just not as dramatically. I think his words were "I'm here". They both reiterated that they would do anything for their children who are their priority.
On the surface these are fine words and sentiments but underneath the surface these words are representative of what their problem really is. They haven't put their own relationship first. Some other thing or things has preceded their relationship on their "Truly Important Things" list.
Now I'm not going to say what I think they should do because I'm not them and I don't live their life. However, I am going to say they should figure out how to put each other and the relationship they've formed back at the top of that list. That is what will be best for those children that are their priority. Children are important, special, prized, etc etc etc but they will grow up one day and leave you. If you play your cards right, your spouse never will. If you play your cards really well you won't want them to.
Kathy
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day Debacle?
Mother's Day is a holiday with high expectations. It is the one day a year when a mom can be honored just because she is a mom. Breakfast in bed, wonderful gifts and words of love all factor into my personal Mother's Day fantasies. Mostly in that order.
Reality, however, is another matter all together. Reality is we stayed up very late the night before (don't ask) and woke up exhausted. Leah sang on praise team so she had to get to church early. She put blueberry muffins in the oven before she went to church so her dad delivered one as I was throwing on my clothes.
Taylor's idea of the perfect Mother's Day gift is a bear hug (not that I disagree). Adam couldn't come because he has finals the week after Mother's Day and he needed to study but he did call. Ryan told me in advance that although he was through with finals he had much to do and wasn't into "that whole Mother's Day thing anyway". He was kidding.....I think. As a final blow to the day, I had planned and prepared a lunch for my mom and dad but they got sick and stayed home. I confess that I shed a few tears over the way the day was progressing and it was only noon!
The rest of the day began to look up as my brother and his family came for lunch. We had a wonderful time of eating, laughing and reminiscing. We went to Tomball to visit my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home. Taking the time to feed her and sit with her reminded me of how blessed I have been to have her as a second mother. Upon returning home we discovered that Ryan was there to surprise me! Another big hug for a Mother's Day present and the day was nearly complete. We wrapped up the day with a movie. "Star Trek" was awesome!
So, what did I learn? Several things: 1. a day is a very long piece of time and it can be ruined and made anew several times throughout its course 2. children will do what children will do and it is best to love them just as God gave them to us and 3. Mother's Day isn't as important as actually being a mother and I'm an outrageously blessed mother.
Kathy
Reality, however, is another matter all together. Reality is we stayed up very late the night before (don't ask) and woke up exhausted. Leah sang on praise team so she had to get to church early. She put blueberry muffins in the oven before she went to church so her dad delivered one as I was throwing on my clothes.
Taylor's idea of the perfect Mother's Day gift is a bear hug (not that I disagree). Adam couldn't come because he has finals the week after Mother's Day and he needed to study but he did call. Ryan told me in advance that although he was through with finals he had much to do and wasn't into "that whole Mother's Day thing anyway". He was kidding.....I think. As a final blow to the day, I had planned and prepared a lunch for my mom and dad but they got sick and stayed home. I confess that I shed a few tears over the way the day was progressing and it was only noon!
The rest of the day began to look up as my brother and his family came for lunch. We had a wonderful time of eating, laughing and reminiscing. We went to Tomball to visit my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home. Taking the time to feed her and sit with her reminded me of how blessed I have been to have her as a second mother. Upon returning home we discovered that Ryan was there to surprise me! Another big hug for a Mother's Day present and the day was nearly complete. We wrapped up the day with a movie. "Star Trek" was awesome!
So, what did I learn? Several things: 1. a day is a very long piece of time and it can be ruined and made anew several times throughout its course 2. children will do what children will do and it is best to love them just as God gave them to us and 3. Mother's Day isn't as important as actually being a mother and I'm an outrageously blessed mother.
Kathy
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Children who are friends
There is a big dilemma at out house. Actually, not at our house proper but this dilemma is taking place in four different homes. Let me explain.
Our three sons, who all attend college away from home, would like to take a trip together. Ryan, a certifiable Disney freak, wants to go to DisneyWorld (natch!). Adam, wants to visit his Aunt Shari and Uncle Scott in LA and go to DisneyLand (he's not opposed to Disney, you see). Taylor just wants to go somewhere since he got an airline ticket for Christmas and it's burning a hole in his pocket. Timing is the issue.
Adam is only home for about three weeks. He will attend summer school to stay on schedule to graduate in December (yeah!) and will spend the bulk of his summer in Austin. He doesn't want to spend a third of the time he has at home in Florida. He'll be less busy in August and he wants to make the trip at that time. Ryan isn't much interested in heat and long lines (who is?) so he wants to go now. Taylor, as earlier stated, just wants to go.
I'm not sure what they'll decide....probably some sort of compromise that makes everyone a little happy but also a little ticked off. That is the nature of compromise and sibling relations. That actually isn't what has me so tickled.
I'm thrilled to see my boys want to do something together. They want to do it so much that they'll call, email, text and communicate until they find a plan that works for everyone. Adam and Ryan are both concerned about hurting or guilting the other. They are each deeply concerned for the other. Taylor will be happy when they just decide what to do.
When your kids are little and they're fighting and fussing, remember this: the patterns you set when they are little continue on as they grow up. Encouraging your children to think of the other person and his perspective will help them grow to be empathetic adults. Discouraging ugly behavior, name calling and physical fighting will help your children find other ways to deal with conflict. It is a small price to pay for the priceless reward of seeing your grown children plan a vacation together!
Kathy
Our three sons, who all attend college away from home, would like to take a trip together. Ryan, a certifiable Disney freak, wants to go to DisneyWorld (natch!). Adam, wants to visit his Aunt Shari and Uncle Scott in LA and go to DisneyLand (he's not opposed to Disney, you see). Taylor just wants to go somewhere since he got an airline ticket for Christmas and it's burning a hole in his pocket. Timing is the issue.
Adam is only home for about three weeks. He will attend summer school to stay on schedule to graduate in December (yeah!) and will spend the bulk of his summer in Austin. He doesn't want to spend a third of the time he has at home in Florida. He'll be less busy in August and he wants to make the trip at that time. Ryan isn't much interested in heat and long lines (who is?) so he wants to go now. Taylor, as earlier stated, just wants to go.
I'm not sure what they'll decide....probably some sort of compromise that makes everyone a little happy but also a little ticked off. That is the nature of compromise and sibling relations. That actually isn't what has me so tickled.
I'm thrilled to see my boys want to do something together. They want to do it so much that they'll call, email, text and communicate until they find a plan that works for everyone. Adam and Ryan are both concerned about hurting or guilting the other. They are each deeply concerned for the other. Taylor will be happy when they just decide what to do.
When your kids are little and they're fighting and fussing, remember this: the patterns you set when they are little continue on as they grow up. Encouraging your children to think of the other person and his perspective will help them grow to be empathetic adults. Discouraging ugly behavior, name calling and physical fighting will help your children find other ways to deal with conflict. It is a small price to pay for the priceless reward of seeing your grown children plan a vacation together!
Kathy
Monday, April 20, 2009
Camping Out
We camped a lot when our kids were little. They loved it....me? Not so much. Camping is not a lot of fun for the mom. You have to plan meals (meals that can be cooked outside or over a camp stove), you have to have all the stuff from your kitchen that you'll need to cook those meals, and you have to do that without the comforts of your microwave. Then there is clean up....no dishwasher and, in fact, no hot water unless you heat it up yourself on the stove top or campfire. We won't even talk about sleeping on the ground, bugs everywhere, and bathroom facilities you share with everyone else at the campground. The last time we went camping we saw a very large snake crawling UP a tree! Who knew snakes could climb trees? Not me but I assure you I spent the whole rest of the weekend looking up in the trees waiting for snakes to drop out on my head. I was shaken to the core because my "snake escape plan" had always been to climb the nearest tree!!
I don't make it sound very fun, do I? But just a few weekend ago we went camping with some families from church and I remembered the good things about camping. S'mores so drippy and chocolatey you have to have s'more. Jiffy Pop - remember that? The popcorn that you cook over a fire and the tin foil lid mounds up with smells and sounds of pure goodness. Sitting around a campfire talking and laughing. Moving around that campfire trying to run from the smoke. The peaceful sounds of crickets and frogs in the night. Stars in the sky. And kids playing with each other; laughing and covered in dirt. Those are good times, no doubt, and while it is indeed a lot of work for the mom, I think it's worth it.
Our next Family Campout will be the first weekend in October at Brazos Bend State Park. Mark your calendars, plan you meals, pack your cars, and join us!
I don't make it sound very fun, do I? But just a few weekend ago we went camping with some families from church and I remembered the good things about camping. S'mores so drippy and chocolatey you have to have s'more. Jiffy Pop - remember that? The popcorn that you cook over a fire and the tin foil lid mounds up with smells and sounds of pure goodness. Sitting around a campfire talking and laughing. Moving around that campfire trying to run from the smoke. The peaceful sounds of crickets and frogs in the night. Stars in the sky. And kids playing with each other; laughing and covered in dirt. Those are good times, no doubt, and while it is indeed a lot of work for the mom, I think it's worth it.
Our next Family Campout will be the first weekend in October at Brazos Bend State Park. Mark your calendars, plan you meals, pack your cars, and join us!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Smoking
I know I just posted but this has to be said!
Last night my husband and I dined 'al fresco' (that means outside, in case you didn't know). We were surrounded by young people smoking cigarettes. They were all over 21 because they were also drinking but it was the cigarettes that bothered me.
I don't judge older people who smoke. After all, no one knew it was harmful or addictive for many years. During WWII the military gave cigarettes out in MREs, for goodness sake. People who started smoking years ago have my sympathy for I believe it is a powerful addiction.
People who start smoking now have my disgust, to be honest. Everyone knows that smoking is addictive and deadly. It ages you horribly, makes you breath stink and teeth yellow, and it's expensive. Young people who smoke really hack me off. Do they not realize that they are contributing to the pollution of our land with their butts and smoke? Do they not realize the future health problems they will burden society with? Have they not heard of the dangers of second and third hand smoke? I think these young people realize very well and they don't care.
What they care about is looking "cool". They blew smoke up in the air with a practiced nonchalance that made me want to walk over to their table, grab the cigarette out of their hand and smack 'em upside the head. What I really wanted to say is, "What are you thinking? Do you not realize what you are doing to your body and your health? Do you have the sense God gave you to give up this terrible habit that has absolutely no redeeming value? Are you just stupid?"
Fortunately, Jeff stopped me.
Kathy
Last night my husband and I dined 'al fresco' (that means outside, in case you didn't know). We were surrounded by young people smoking cigarettes. They were all over 21 because they were also drinking but it was the cigarettes that bothered me.
I don't judge older people who smoke. After all, no one knew it was harmful or addictive for many years. During WWII the military gave cigarettes out in MREs, for goodness sake. People who started smoking years ago have my sympathy for I believe it is a powerful addiction.
People who start smoking now have my disgust, to be honest. Everyone knows that smoking is addictive and deadly. It ages you horribly, makes you breath stink and teeth yellow, and it's expensive. Young people who smoke really hack me off. Do they not realize that they are contributing to the pollution of our land with their butts and smoke? Do they not realize the future health problems they will burden society with? Have they not heard of the dangers of second and third hand smoke? I think these young people realize very well and they don't care.
What they care about is looking "cool". They blew smoke up in the air with a practiced nonchalance that made me want to walk over to their table, grab the cigarette out of their hand and smack 'em upside the head. What I really wanted to say is, "What are you thinking? Do you not realize what you are doing to your body and your health? Do you have the sense God gave you to give up this terrible habit that has absolutely no redeeming value? Are you just stupid?"
Fortunately, Jeff stopped me.
Kathy
Monday, March 23, 2009
How to Raise a Boy
We discussed this subject in our Life Group last night and I thought perhaps I might share a few of our musings. Our group consists of several families that have kindergarten age boys. In fact, one family has twin kindergarten age boys (whew!). These are busy people who are interested in raising healthy boys to become emotionally healthy men.
It is a fact that we raise boys and girls differently. Science has proven this in studies of infants and children. We are more apt to buy dolls for our girls and balls for our boys. When our daughters cry we comfort them. When our boys cry we dust them off and send them on their way. We often find that boys are raised with a limited range of acceptable emotions breeding men who do likewise.
As I write this I realize that this discussion is way too broad for a blog post so I'm just going to say this: Allow, no...encourage your sons to experience all of the emotions that being human brings. Love, attention and an atmosphere of acceptance for all that they feel will bear fruit during their teenage years. If they know you will listen, really and truly listen, they will talk.
And never doubt that they have much to say!
Kathy
It is a fact that we raise boys and girls differently. Science has proven this in studies of infants and children. We are more apt to buy dolls for our girls and balls for our boys. When our daughters cry we comfort them. When our boys cry we dust them off and send them on their way. We often find that boys are raised with a limited range of acceptable emotions breeding men who do likewise.
As I write this I realize that this discussion is way too broad for a blog post so I'm just going to say this: Allow, no...encourage your sons to experience all of the emotions that being human brings. Love, attention and an atmosphere of acceptance for all that they feel will bear fruit during their teenage years. If they know you will listen, really and truly listen, they will talk.
And never doubt that they have much to say!
Kathy
Friday, March 13, 2009
Be Afraid....be very afraid
Close your eyes and imagine your child on his or her 16th birthday. What do you think they will be doing on that day? I can tell what all four of my children were doing and I still remember it with fear. Each of them were standing in the DMV waiting to get their driver's license. Isn't that a sobering thought? Your child will, one day, get behind the wheel of a car...your car....and drive it down the road to places you won't be. Awkward sentence, I realize, but you get my drift.
Now, it is true that they get their learners permit on their 15th birthday and you have all year to drive with them so that you can teach and help them but that still doesn't really prepare you to see your treasure drive away in your car. Seriously, it's a moment you won't forget. So think of it, your child who can't remember his homework or think to clean her room or realize the dog needs to be fed will drive one day. Life, limb, and your car on the line.
What's a parent to do? Realize, right now, that your child needs to be taught a sense of responsibility and to think of others. They need to be made responsible for their own messes and be encouraged to respect authority. You need to set a good model in this respect as you live and drive. They are watching you!
Once again, begin with the end in mind. You want a respectful, responsible, disciplined driver? You need to work on those attributes when they are toddlers. Talk about them, model them, encourage and reinforce them. That's how you get responsible drivers....and lower insurance rates.
Kathy
Now, it is true that they get their learners permit on their 15th birthday and you have all year to drive with them so that you can teach and help them but that still doesn't really prepare you to see your treasure drive away in your car. Seriously, it's a moment you won't forget. So think of it, your child who can't remember his homework or think to clean her room or realize the dog needs to be fed will drive one day. Life, limb, and your car on the line.
What's a parent to do? Realize, right now, that your child needs to be taught a sense of responsibility and to think of others. They need to be made responsible for their own messes and be encouraged to respect authority. You need to set a good model in this respect as you live and drive. They are watching you!
Once again, begin with the end in mind. You want a respectful, responsible, disciplined driver? You need to work on those attributes when they are toddlers. Talk about them, model them, encourage and reinforce them. That's how you get responsible drivers....and lower insurance rates.
Kathy
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Not Sure What I Did....
I think I edited one too many times and my blog rebelled. Lesson? Blogs, as with children, need consistency and a sure hand. Wowser!
The Sweet Spot
Think about your primary relationship. All of our relationships are important, certainly, but some take precedence. So, which of your relationships is the most important?
I was in Abilene at Homecoming one weekend in October. Jeff was unable to join us as he was travelling overseas on business. He had been gone the entire week before we left and was due to return on Saturday. We were driving home from Abilene on Sunday. Saturday afternoon it occurred to me that he was going to be home and I was going to be 7 hours away. Suddenly, I was desperate to be home. I turned to my children (who attend school in Abilene) and said, "Would it be terrible of me to go home this afternoon? I really miss your dad". Taylor looked affronted and replied, "Do you love him more than you love us?"
Well, my mouth said, "of course, I love you all" but my mind was thinking, "YES, you left me, as you should, and he never will". It started me thinking about the primary relationships in my life. My children, my parents and extended family, my friends are all very important to me but my spouse is my primary relationship. He is the one who fills my life with joy and laughter and peace. He is the other half of my heart and my home. He is the person who loves and forgives me the most. I shudder to think what my life would have been like without him and I thank God, every day, that he is mine.
When our second son left for college it occurred to us that we gave birth to four children in five years and we will lose them all in five years. In August of 2004 we had four children at home and in September of 2009 we will have none. In light of that, I cannot tell you how happy I am that my primary relationship is thriving. While our children will grow up and move on, as they should do, we will continue to love and grow together. This is what we call "the sweet spot" :)
Kathy
I was in Abilene at Homecoming one weekend in October. Jeff was unable to join us as he was travelling overseas on business. He had been gone the entire week before we left and was due to return on Saturday. We were driving home from Abilene on Sunday. Saturday afternoon it occurred to me that he was going to be home and I was going to be 7 hours away. Suddenly, I was desperate to be home. I turned to my children (who attend school in Abilene) and said, "Would it be terrible of me to go home this afternoon? I really miss your dad". Taylor looked affronted and replied, "Do you love him more than you love us?"
Well, my mouth said, "of course, I love you all" but my mind was thinking, "YES, you left me, as you should, and he never will". It started me thinking about the primary relationships in my life. My children, my parents and extended family, my friends are all very important to me but my spouse is my primary relationship. He is the one who fills my life with joy and laughter and peace. He is the other half of my heart and my home. He is the person who loves and forgives me the most. I shudder to think what my life would have been like without him and I thank God, every day, that he is mine.
When our second son left for college it occurred to us that we gave birth to four children in five years and we will lose them all in five years. In August of 2004 we had four children at home and in September of 2009 we will have none. In light of that, I cannot tell you how happy I am that my primary relationship is thriving. While our children will grow up and move on, as they should do, we will continue to love and grow together. This is what we call "the sweet spot" :)
Kathy
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Ryan
Abilene, happy birthdays, Sing Song and Peter Pan...those were some of my experiences this last weekend. We were in Abilene for Sing Song. Ryan's club, Gamma Sigma Phi, were Peter Pans and won first place for their efforts. They were wonderful! So much of this weekend turned my thoughts to thankfulness for God's blessings.
Sunday was Ryan's 21st birthday. It was so much fun to be with him and spend the weekend watching him be the man he is becoming. This is a person who never meets a stranger. Open and outgoing, Ryan is a friend to many. It's difficult to walk about anywhere in Abilene that Ryan doesn't see someone he knows well enough to hug. He is a loving and gregarious and passionate young man. A joy to spend time with and fun in conversation, Ryan is a person a parent would be proud of and we are!! He is that rare person who is serious about the serious things in life (i.e. his grades and his relationships) but balanced enough to know how to have fun.
We almost lost Ryan at his birth. There was some birthing trauma and his heartbeat was ominously silent for what seemed an eternity. I have never been more frightened. On top of that, we had experienced two miscarriages before becoming pregnant with Ryan. We fought hard for this child and we were not prepared to lose him. We have always considered his healthy delivery and childhood a blessing from God for which we have been very grateful. It seems natural to also thank God for the extraordinary man he is becoming.
We love you Ryan and we thank God for the blessing you are to our lives.
Mom and Dad
Sunday was Ryan's 21st birthday. It was so much fun to be with him and spend the weekend watching him be the man he is becoming. This is a person who never meets a stranger. Open and outgoing, Ryan is a friend to many. It's difficult to walk about anywhere in Abilene that Ryan doesn't see someone he knows well enough to hug. He is a loving and gregarious and passionate young man. A joy to spend time with and fun in conversation, Ryan is a person a parent would be proud of and we are!! He is that rare person who is serious about the serious things in life (i.e. his grades and his relationships) but balanced enough to know how to have fun.
We almost lost Ryan at his birth. There was some birthing trauma and his heartbeat was ominously silent for what seemed an eternity. I have never been more frightened. On top of that, we had experienced two miscarriages before becoming pregnant with Ryan. We fought hard for this child and we were not prepared to lose him. We have always considered his healthy delivery and childhood a blessing from God for which we have been very grateful. It seems natural to also thank God for the extraordinary man he is becoming.
We love you Ryan and we thank God for the blessing you are to our lives.
Mom and Dad
Sunday, February 15, 2009
February 15th
Today is my son's birthday. Unbelievably, he is 23 today. I remember the day he was born. I woke up early having labor pains. We went for a walk because we had been told that true labor worsened when you walked. After about half of a block we turned around and headed for home. I showered, picked up my bag, and headed to the hospital. On the way there I remember thinking, "we've waited too late...I'm going to have this baby in the car!!".
After arriving at the hospital and checking in it was just a matter of waiting through the labor. He was born about 3:30 that afternoon. We didn't know if we were having a boy or girl so I remember vividly the nurse saying, "it's a boy!" He was perfection and we couldn't have been happier.
Today, he is a college student at University of Texas. His major is Middle Eastern Studies. He has taught himself to play several musical instruments and speak several languages. He is idealistic and hopes to impact our world for peace. He is a person to be reckoned with and we are immensely proud of him. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how we could be so fortunate. Every time I look at him I am filled with wonder at the blessing he is in our lives. I thank God for the true blessing of being his parent.
Happy Birthday, Adam!!
Mom
After arriving at the hospital and checking in it was just a matter of waiting through the labor. He was born about 3:30 that afternoon. We didn't know if we were having a boy or girl so I remember vividly the nurse saying, "it's a boy!" He was perfection and we couldn't have been happier.
Today, he is a college student at University of Texas. His major is Middle Eastern Studies. He has taught himself to play several musical instruments and speak several languages. He is idealistic and hopes to impact our world for peace. He is a person to be reckoned with and we are immensely proud of him. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how we could be so fortunate. Every time I look at him I am filled with wonder at the blessing he is in our lives. I thank God for the true blessing of being his parent.
Happy Birthday, Adam!!
Mom
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Parenting Advice from Miriam Holder
Miriam's son, Eric, is quite the accomplished man. A Columbia Law School graduate and former judge he was known as Judge Hold 'Em by defense attorneys for his refusal to allow bail for clients accused of violent crimes. His appointment in the D.C. Superior Court put him on the front line of the battle against drug and gang violence in our nation's capital. His reputation was one of more leniency for criminals who accepted responsibility for their crimes. Defendants who were found guilty often found the maximum penalty. Eric Holder, Jr. is our new Attorney General. His brother, Billy, is no slacker either. Billy Holder is a New York City Port Authority Officer.
How does a mother raise two boys like these? A Time magazine article about Eric Holder gives a few clues in quotes from his mother. He grew up in Queens, NY where pulling the fire alarm was a common teen prank. Nearly everyone did it but not Eric, the churchgoing Boy Scout who knew the consequence of disobeying rules: "A good, quick smack on the bottom," his mother Miriam recall. "If you did something wrong, you're going to pay the price." Later in the article Miriam Holder is quoted as saying, "We taught them to help where you can and right the wrongs that you see." Sound advice.
Kathy
How does a mother raise two boys like these? A Time magazine article about Eric Holder gives a few clues in quotes from his mother. He grew up in Queens, NY where pulling the fire alarm was a common teen prank. Nearly everyone did it but not Eric, the churchgoing Boy Scout who knew the consequence of disobeying rules: "A good, quick smack on the bottom," his mother Miriam recall. "If you did something wrong, you're going to pay the price." Later in the article Miriam Holder is quoted as saying, "We taught them to help where you can and right the wrongs that you see." Sound advice.
Kathy
Monday, February 9, 2009
What's a Mother To Do?
What's a mother to do? Your daughter is 12 going on 13 and all of a sudden she knows everything, you know nothing and you are the uncoolest person on the planet. It's a common scenario, I think.
I have to say that I've been very fortunate in this regard. My daughter and I haven't had much mother-daughter conflict. According to "The Five Love Languages" if your daughter's love language is "quality time", you probably won't have many of these issues. Leah's favorite thing in the world is a "Mommy and Me Day" so she never shut me out. Knowing your child's love language may help you be truly heard.
Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages" describes different ways in which people perceive love. Some experts say communication is key to parenting. If so, communicating your love for your kids is the most important key of all. Besides quality time, Dr. Chapman identifies gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Most of these categories are self explanatory but if you want more info you can Google "The Five Love Languages for Teens". I have found these concepts helpful in raising four very different children.
Other minor notions: take advice from the Galaxy Quest crew "never give up, never surrender". Don't take what they say personally. Know, without doubt, they want you to love them so keep saying it.
Kathy
I have to say that I've been very fortunate in this regard. My daughter and I haven't had much mother-daughter conflict. According to "The Five Love Languages" if your daughter's love language is "quality time", you probably won't have many of these issues. Leah's favorite thing in the world is a "Mommy and Me Day" so she never shut me out. Knowing your child's love language may help you be truly heard.
Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages" describes different ways in which people perceive love. Some experts say communication is key to parenting. If so, communicating your love for your kids is the most important key of all. Besides quality time, Dr. Chapman identifies gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Most of these categories are self explanatory but if you want more info you can Google "The Five Love Languages for Teens". I have found these concepts helpful in raising four very different children.
Other minor notions: take advice from the Galaxy Quest crew "never give up, never surrender". Don't take what they say personally. Know, without doubt, they want you to love them so keep saying it.
Kathy
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Wisdom from Marian Wright Edelman
Marian Wright Edelman is one of my heroes. I had the privilege of hearing her speak several months ago. Her passion for children and justice was a wonder to behold. Ms. Edelman was the first African American lawyer admitted to the bar in Mississippi and is a long time civil rights activist. In 1973 she founded the Children's Defense Fund, an organization that serves as an advocate and voice for poor, minority and handicapped children. Her life is a testimony to service and I admire her enormously.
She has said many things that I find to be truth but today this one really sticks with me:
"If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won't either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out."
I've said many times that it takes courage to be a parent. It would seem as though Marian Wright Edelman agrees.
Kathy
She has said many things that I find to be truth but today this one really sticks with me:
"If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won't either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out."
I've said many times that it takes courage to be a parent. It would seem as though Marian Wright Edelman agrees.
Kathy
Monday, February 2, 2009
Family Traditions
Traditions are very important to children. Have you experienced the following? You do something once and it becomes that thing we "always do". One year we made and decorated cut out cookies before Christmas. The next year the kids bugged me to death to make those "cookies we always make". One way we know traditions are important is kids are so invested in seeing them continue.
When I was growing up my mom made a very big deal out of holidays. She still does. Her house is decorated in pumpkins and scarecrows for Halloween, red hearts for Valentine's Day, pastel eggs for Easter and flags for the Fourth of July. Everyone decorates for Christmas but my mom puts up shamrocks and served us green oatmeal on St. Patrick's Day. She believes in celebrating!
One Valentine's Day, when I was a snarky teenager, we had wrapped presents on our breakfast plates along with decorative napkins. I asked the following question as only a teenager can ask, "If the Easter Bunny brings Easter baskets, who brings the Valentine's presents?" My dad, at the top of his game, quickly replied, "The Valentine's Cow, of course". The Valentine Cow visited us for many years after that and continued to visit us when I had children of my own.
One day this week the Valentine's Cow will buy candy and cards. She'll make cookies and pack everything in boxes to send to our college boys. My daughter's gift has already been purchased. Celebrations and traditions are important. You have them, too. Think about what they are, talk about them and celebrate the things that make your family unique. A Valentine's Cow is pretty unique and while I'm not sure I appreciate the bovine reference, I am happy to continue the tradition.
Kathy
When I was growing up my mom made a very big deal out of holidays. She still does. Her house is decorated in pumpkins and scarecrows for Halloween, red hearts for Valentine's Day, pastel eggs for Easter and flags for the Fourth of July. Everyone decorates for Christmas but my mom puts up shamrocks and served us green oatmeal on St. Patrick's Day. She believes in celebrating!
One Valentine's Day, when I was a snarky teenager, we had wrapped presents on our breakfast plates along with decorative napkins. I asked the following question as only a teenager can ask, "If the Easter Bunny brings Easter baskets, who brings the Valentine's presents?" My dad, at the top of his game, quickly replied, "The Valentine's Cow, of course". The Valentine Cow visited us for many years after that and continued to visit us when I had children of my own.
One day this week the Valentine's Cow will buy candy and cards. She'll make cookies and pack everything in boxes to send to our college boys. My daughter's gift has already been purchased. Celebrations and traditions are important. You have them, too. Think about what they are, talk about them and celebrate the things that make your family unique. A Valentine's Cow is pretty unique and while I'm not sure I appreciate the bovine reference, I am happy to continue the tradition.
Kathy
Friday, January 30, 2009
What does it mean to be a "Cameron"?
After reading the last post someone asked me "What does it mean to be a Cameron'?" That seems pretty self-explanatory to me but I could explain some.
When I was growing up I remember my mom saying, "Don't embarrass me!" (explanation point inferred by the tone of her voice or the situation we were in) I knew that meant that what ever I did, I was not to have my mom feel shame regarding me or my actions. That meant something to me. My mom is a small woman who is southern to the core. Manners (good ones) and decorum are important. We were raised to be polite and respectful children. It seems to me that we (my siblings and I) continue to be polite and respectful in most situations. My parents have 14 grandchildren, ages 23 - 3, and they are much the same. My parents values rubbed off on me and I infected my children with them.
So, this is what it means to be a Cameron. You are frequently reminded of whose child you are....and in case you don't know, you are God's child. You know that your actions reflect upon the rest of us. In so far as your able, you do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. You are polite to those who serve you and you bus your table in a fast food place. Your dad tells corny jokes and makes up silly words to songs, your mom doesn't cook much and your siblings will be quarrelsome on occasion but there is love and respect aplenty. Your differences are valued as are your opinions. There's more but you get the drift.
Your family has these kinds of attitudes/values/dogma....call it what you like. If you really want to impress them upon your kids hearts then identify them and talk about them. Often. If you ask one of my kids "What does it mean to be a Cameron?" I'd bet they'd say a lot of that stuff above. Try it and see. I'd be interested to hear what they have to say.
Kathy
When I was growing up I remember my mom saying, "Don't embarrass me!" (explanation point inferred by the tone of her voice or the situation we were in) I knew that meant that what ever I did, I was not to have my mom feel shame regarding me or my actions. That meant something to me. My mom is a small woman who is southern to the core. Manners (good ones) and decorum are important. We were raised to be polite and respectful children. It seems to me that we (my siblings and I) continue to be polite and respectful in most situations. My parents have 14 grandchildren, ages 23 - 3, and they are much the same. My parents values rubbed off on me and I infected my children with them.
So, this is what it means to be a Cameron. You are frequently reminded of whose child you are....and in case you don't know, you are God's child. You know that your actions reflect upon the rest of us. In so far as your able, you do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. You are polite to those who serve you and you bus your table in a fast food place. Your dad tells corny jokes and makes up silly words to songs, your mom doesn't cook much and your siblings will be quarrelsome on occasion but there is love and respect aplenty. Your differences are valued as are your opinions. There's more but you get the drift.
Your family has these kinds of attitudes/values/dogma....call it what you like. If you really want to impress them upon your kids hearts then identify them and talk about them. Often. If you ask one of my kids "What does it mean to be a Cameron?" I'd bet they'd say a lot of that stuff above. Try it and see. I'd be interested to hear what they have to say.
Kathy
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Is "Teenager" a Bad Word?
One day I was driving down the street with my four small children in the car and one of them asked me a rather surprising question. He said, "Mommy, is teenager a bad word?" I guess I'd been driving around snarling "teenager" at every bad driver I came upon. The way I pronounced the word made it sound bad. That was before I had teenagers.
At this juncture I have to say that I have not had bad teenagers. At 23, 21, 19, and 17 I admit that I'm not completely out of the woods, but I'm close. I can see the edge of the treeline, certainly, and I can say that they are really good kids. So, how did this happen? Here is what I think.
We started when they were very young. When the baby was born, the oldest was only 5, so we were outnumbered and overwhelmed. Survival required clear rules and consistent boundaries. We paid close attention to what we said and what they did and we required obedience. As they got older, we loosened our grips a bit. They knew what we expected and they pretty much delivered, needing fewer reminders of the rules and boundaries. Because we had been clear and consistent when they were young, they were able to manage the boundaries themselves as they got older. They knew what it meant to be a Cameron and they didn't disappoint.
As they grew we began to see them as individual people with worth all their own. They aren't mini-me's or meant to robotically obey our every command. We value them for who they are and what they bring to the table that is our family. Today they live (three of them away at college) and move within the broader values that we established when they were very young. Although they are becoming independent, they are still an integral part of our family even today; apart but still a part if you know what I mean.
Sometimes it feels as though we've arrived at this wonderful place with our children in a serendipitous way. We're not sure how we got here or how they turned out so wonderful. On the other hand, there must be something to what we did and that is what I want to share. Our goal was to raise children who would become Godly, independent and joyful. As best as I can figure it we began with the end in mind.
Kathy
At this juncture I have to say that I have not had bad teenagers. At 23, 21, 19, and 17 I admit that I'm not completely out of the woods, but I'm close. I can see the edge of the treeline, certainly, and I can say that they are really good kids. So, how did this happen? Here is what I think.
We started when they were very young. When the baby was born, the oldest was only 5, so we were outnumbered and overwhelmed. Survival required clear rules and consistent boundaries. We paid close attention to what we said and what they did and we required obedience. As they got older, we loosened our grips a bit. They knew what we expected and they pretty much delivered, needing fewer reminders of the rules and boundaries. Because we had been clear and consistent when they were young, they were able to manage the boundaries themselves as they got older. They knew what it meant to be a Cameron and they didn't disappoint.
As they grew we began to see them as individual people with worth all their own. They aren't mini-me's or meant to robotically obey our every command. We value them for who they are and what they bring to the table that is our family. Today they live (three of them away at college) and move within the broader values that we established when they were very young. Although they are becoming independent, they are still an integral part of our family even today; apart but still a part if you know what I mean.
Sometimes it feels as though we've arrived at this wonderful place with our children in a serendipitous way. We're not sure how we got here or how they turned out so wonderful. On the other hand, there must be something to what we did and that is what I want to share. Our goal was to raise children who would become Godly, independent and joyful. As best as I can figure it we began with the end in mind.
Kathy
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Parenting is not for weaklings
"Be the parent" is the best parenting advice I can give. So many people don't want to do what it takes to "be the parent". What does that mean? Well, in practice, it means that you are clear and precise about what they should do and you are willing to do what it takes to get them to do it. That is a very long sentence so let me give you a scenario.
I'm walking down the street and there is a woman walking behind me. Her child runs ahead so that I am between the mother and the child as we walk. The child is approaching a street and the mom, in a very soft and uncertain voice says, "stop and wait for me". The child, of course, keeps running. The mom begins to move a bit quicker and says a bit louder, "I said stop and wait for me." I move to the side so she has room to get to the child but that's not necessary because she isn't making an effort to get there. She just continues to beg the child to stop running. She even adds the word "please". Becoming more and more ineffective as she begs the child to stop. He finally stops at the curb; not because he is listening but because he has been trained not to run out in the street and for this I am thankful. It would have been bad to see that precious child smeared on the street while his mother pleaded with him to stop. So, what would I like to see happen?
Kid runs down the sidewalk. Mom assertively and with forcefulness says, "STOP RIGHT NOW". When kid doesn't stop, mom runs ahead and grabs him getting down on his level and in his face saying, "you must always listen for my voice and obey me." Big hugs all the way around and hand holding as they cross the street.
Step up and be the parent!
I'm walking down the street and there is a woman walking behind me. Her child runs ahead so that I am between the mother and the child as we walk. The child is approaching a street and the mom, in a very soft and uncertain voice says, "stop and wait for me". The child, of course, keeps running. The mom begins to move a bit quicker and says a bit louder, "I said stop and wait for me." I move to the side so she has room to get to the child but that's not necessary because she isn't making an effort to get there. She just continues to beg the child to stop running. She even adds the word "please". Becoming more and more ineffective as she begs the child to stop. He finally stops at the curb; not because he is listening but because he has been trained not to run out in the street and for this I am thankful. It would have been bad to see that precious child smeared on the street while his mother pleaded with him to stop. So, what would I like to see happen?
Kid runs down the sidewalk. Mom assertively and with forcefulness says, "STOP RIGHT NOW". When kid doesn't stop, mom runs ahead and grabs him getting down on his level and in his face saying, "you must always listen for my voice and obey me." Big hugs all the way around and hand holding as they cross the street.
Step up and be the parent!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Grateful Children
I don't believe it is news to anyone that we live a blessed existence. Even with the economic "crisis" we live in the most economically advantaged country in the world. We throw away more food in one day than many people eat in a week. There is an upside and a downside in this for our children.
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that a primary need for humans is safety and security. Our children benefit from plentiful food and a roof over their heads. It is especially important to meet these needs when children are very small and foundations for a healthy adulthood are being set. In this sense abundance is a blessing.
On the other hand, abundance (and especially overabundance) can cause some very unhealthy outcomes for our kids. A sense of entitlement is very unattractive. Materialism and ungratefulness are also common results. How do we give our children what they need and want while maintaining a sense of gratefulness on their part? How do you do this without inducing guilt?
There are several things a parent can do and, as usual, it starts with you! Your example is critical. Expressing your thankfulness everyday will model for your children. Be thankful, out loud, to God for all of your blessings. Sharing your abundance is another way to help your children learn to be grateful. Have them sift through their toys and donate some to a shelter. Bring cans of food to church for the Hands of Christ pantry. Write a letter to a shut-in. Go to www.anysoldier.com for ideas on how to encourage a soldier. Anything that encourages them to think beyond themselves will encourage an attitude of gratefulness.
Once again, and I know I say it often, your example of gratefulness is one of the most important gifts you can give your children.
Kathy
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that a primary need for humans is safety and security. Our children benefit from plentiful food and a roof over their heads. It is especially important to meet these needs when children are very small and foundations for a healthy adulthood are being set. In this sense abundance is a blessing.
On the other hand, abundance (and especially overabundance) can cause some very unhealthy outcomes for our kids. A sense of entitlement is very unattractive. Materialism and ungratefulness are also common results. How do we give our children what they need and want while maintaining a sense of gratefulness on their part? How do you do this without inducing guilt?
There are several things a parent can do and, as usual, it starts with you! Your example is critical. Expressing your thankfulness everyday will model for your children. Be thankful, out loud, to God for all of your blessings. Sharing your abundance is another way to help your children learn to be grateful. Have them sift through their toys and donate some to a shelter. Bring cans of food to church for the Hands of Christ pantry. Write a letter to a shut-in. Go to www.anysoldier.com for ideas on how to encourage a soldier. Anything that encourages them to think beyond themselves will encourage an attitude of gratefulness.
Once again, and I know I say it often, your example of gratefulness is one of the most important gifts you can give your children.
Kathy
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